Where Black meets White

2007-06-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

The Silence Ends.

2006-05-28T11:08:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I will be in Italy from tomorrow until July 20th. (I'm leaving today for Dallas, plane tomorrow to Italy.) You can keep up with my adventures (Italy and, later, France) at msblackandwhiteeurope.blogspot.com.

I look forward to hearing from all of you at that spot.

Vous comprenez?

2006-05-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

If you didn't get the last post, click here.

Bonjour, Tout Le Monde!

2006-05-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

Je n'écrivais pas souvent et je suis désolée. Je pensais d'étudier en Europe et je ne pensais pas de vivre ici. J'ai créé un blog pour mes voyages étrangers. C'est msblackandwhiteeurope.blogspot.com. S'il vous plaît, allez-là. Parfois, j'écrirai en français et en italien, mais, pour les premiers mois, j'écrirai en anglais. Maintenant, mon français n'est pas très bien, mais ce sera mieux après j'aurai étudié pour un mois ou deux en France.

Souhaitez-moi la bonne chance!

Happy Four Twenty

2006-04-20T06:54:00.000-07:00

May you enjoy it more than my homework will allow me to.

The Dark Legacy of the Bible in Africa.

2006-04-19T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm reading the book "The Construction of Nationhood" by Adrian Hastings. This week I'm reading about the influence of evangelism on the creation of ethnic identities in Africa. It's really interesting.

Before colonization, there were many places in Africa that did not have a written language. When language is no written, there are no standard rules and so the "language" varies considerably more than what we think of as languages. In Africa, an oral language would have many dialects and would vary from location to location. The economic and cultural situation did not necessitate a written language, so they didn't have one. But then came the missionaries, and how are they supposed to convert these people if they can't give them a Bible? So, these dedicated missionaries begin trying to learn the languages. They record the grammar structures, and create dictionaries. When they think they've got a grasp of it, they make a Bible. The only problem was that they were usually learning the language from a limited number of people and so when the final copy was written, the language might make sense in that specific area, but walk 30 minutes away and it's no longer useful. So, the missionaries would use the language as long as they could and when it no longer made sense, they'd start the whole process over again. But many of these languages were closely connected and the people who spoke them closely connected. By making their specific dialect a language, though, the missionaries inadvertently created an identity. Now two groups of people, who might belong to a similar identity, were now two separate groups.

"What's the big deal?" I hear you thinking. Well, language is something that is closely associated with national identity. Think about it. We're furious because there are so many people in the U.S. that don't speak English well if they speak it at all. The French are furious because American globalization is englishifying the French language.

Well, a very long time ago Europe went through a period of time where it published texts and oral languages gave way to written languages. However, it was a very long process. Centuries went by as different groups of people clustered towards French or Italian or whatever. In Africa, however, the process was rushed because the eternal souls of these people depended on it. So, rather than a slow evolution of eliminating dialects and flocking to a central tongue, missionaries recognized every single dialect. The result was an overabundance of languages, and therefore an overabundance of national and ethnic identities. One of the greatest complaints about Africa is that there are so many different kinds of people there, how can we possibly have them get along? Well, that's the fault of the missionaries and other groups like them who created identities from a sense of urgency and convenience rather than allowing Africa to develop identities and nations on its own.

Now, however, it's too late. These new identities are so ingrained into the way of life there that the old identities, loose as they were, no longer exist. The great challenge of Africa will be to shrug off the identities given to them by the missionaries and begin merging together with some of the other nation groups around them. Imagine, though, for a moment how difficult that is. Think if someone told you that you had to shrug off your American identity and try to become Mexican because some people messed up a few hundred years ago and made you separate when you shouldn't have been.

Madness.

Lend the Chick Your Thoughts.

2006-04-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

My mother has been diligently blogging and has been having some slow responses. I'm going to remind you all that you should take a look at her blog and jump in every once and a while. She would dearly appreciate it.

winetravelandmusings.blogspot.com

Today she's discussing the guest worker debate of Mexicans in the U.S. Hmmm....

All the hope in my life has been sucked away.

2006-04-18T17:30:00.000-07:00

You have no idea how difficult this semester has been for me. I've spent the semester studying the hopelessness of the human situation, and I can hardly stand it. I began the semester by studying the Bosnian War and the War against Kosovo. At the same time, I was learning how democracy is failing across the world for the opportunity of intolerant religious groups to obtain dominant political structures. I've learned that the colonization of Africa, the Middle East and Asia has left these countries with a model political structure of violence and intolerance. I've discovered that the U.S. has made foreign affairs decisions that effectively destroys any opportunity of aiding instable countries to obtain stability. I've learned that children today are being forced to fight in civil wars, women are risking rape on a daily basis to secure food for their family, and if the U.S., Europe or the UN attempted to do something about it, we would be killed.

I need some chocolate.

My professors criticize their students when we try to hope that there are solutions, we just have to keep fighting for them. They laugh and say snidely, "Well, that's optimistic!" I know they do it because they don't want us to underestimate the complexity of these issues, but sometimes I wish they would give us hope that by studying these issues and being open-minded, we will be rewarded with the solutions.

The Despair After the Wait.

2006-04-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

I remember learning that someone was going to make a live action version of the Lord of the Rings several year before the movies came out. It was one of the films that I would check up on every couple of weeks to see if this film could possibly be a fraction of the greatness of the books. I remember my excitement when I discovered it was going to be three films released once a year. I remember my distrust when I heard they cast Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins. I watched and waited with such intense anticipation for so long, I don't think I can adequately express it. Those last few minutes before seeing The Fellowship of the Ring were brutal. My fears seemed to be confirmed when someone sitting next to us said, "They cut of Tom Bombadil." All hope is lost.

Then the movie started. When I watched the first 10 minutes, a lovely monologue by Cate Blanchett as Galadriel, covering briefly the history of the ring, I was consumed. Never again would I simply be a fan of Tolkien. I was now a Tolkien/Jackson fan.

The two years that followed were no less stressful than the years before. Could the next two be as good as the first? What academy awards were waiting for these excellent films. What of the storyline would be added in the additional footage of the DVDs? The thrill of the wait had been extended and I was completely engrossed in the whole process.

It ended so abruptly. I watched "The Return of the King" extended edition, and that was it. There was no more waiting. There was a sudden dissappointment that there was no other film that could possibly fill that need for a sense of anticipation.

I had almost forgotten this process until I watched "The Mummy" this weekend on TBS. It's not an exceptionally great movie, but at 9:00 on Saturday morning, there are worse things to watch. Then, to my horror, an outline of Galndalf appears on the screen, dancing around to a weird musical theme of "The white, white wizard." It was a commercial for The Fellowship of the Rings, which would be playing at 6:00, I believe, Saturday night. That's it. For all the beauty of these films, that was all that was left. Now, they will be corrupted by the advertising whims of cable networks.

I have other issues of cable television to address, but not today. Today is reserved for the memory of greatness that was those three movies, and the anticipation they gave, which was justly deserved.

OIL and a Sinus Infection.

2006-04-13T13:45:00.000-07:00

Forgive my absense. I've been sick and I've been at Oklahoma Intercollegiate Legislature. Quick rundown:

Senator [MsBlackandWhite] Cannot Read

Well, one of the bills that came up in session at OIL was the bill prohibiting home schooling in Oklahoma. The poor girl who wrote it had no idea of the trouble she was getting herself into. I was serving as the President's clerk at the time, but the moment I knew that bill was going to be up on the floor, I got down as quickly as possible. I and another girl who was home schooled offered our perspectives of the bill. Needless to say, by the end of questions and debate, there was only one person (the author) who voted "yes." Even the people arguing in proponency of the bill turned their arguments into a joke, holding me as example, "Look at Senator [MsBlackandWhite]! Clearly she cannot read or function in society, so vote yes to prohibit homeschooling!"

My conservative side

Another bill up for consideration was to force large corporations to pay a month of maternity leave for every mother. I did not argue strongly, because again I was working as the President's clerk, but I voted "No" on the bill. I saw eyes of hate meet me when I made my vote coming from the women in the Senate, but I was unmoved. Somehow Americans feel that by the pure quantity of business that corporations produce that they do not pay a proportional level of costs. So, we pass laws to pile on all these benefits for the employees of these corporations, and then we wonder why companies like GM are stuggling with the possibility of bankruptcy. Could it be they are spending more money on health care of their workers than they spend on steel? Hm.

My liberal side

Miss Black and White arguing for abortion? Surely not! I could hardly believe the words coming out of my mouth, too! Yet, I did. The bill was to require that women receive permission from the fathers before having an abortion. If the fathers refused to allow them, the women would carry the child, deliver it, and immediately turn the child over after birth. I have no problem with this in theory, but there is one problem: Rape. A very simple event can make the whole thing impossible to deal with. A woman is raped. She doesn't know the attacker and doesn't report it for one reason or another. Trauma can affect people's rationalities negatively, and I don't think a woman should suffer for something that is not her fault. A month or so later, the woman discovers she's pregnant. She goes to an abortion clinic, but they demand proof that the father has been notified. Since she has never filed a report, how can she prove that she was raped? Will the clinic go off her word alone? In that case, any woman who does not wish to tell the father can claim they were raped and didn't file a report. If not, then every women who fails to file a report must carry through with the pregnancy. I do not think it is fair of the State to demand a woman carry a rape child to term. I would do so if it were me, but I don't demand it of everyone else.

That was OIL in a nutshell. ::shrugs:: I was also give the title of one of the three most fabulous babes, which amuses me greatly. However, I a much more impressed with my intellectual achievements: I had two bills (one on Genocide in Darfur and another on Torture) given the recommendation of Do Pass, essentially give immediate passage. Unfortunately, though, neither of those bills made it to the floor. Oh well.

What is the reasonable temperature?

2006-04-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

It is 75 outside right now with a slight breeze. My thermostat in my apartment reads 75 degrees.

My roommate got up and turned on the air conditioner.

I'm puzzled.

I turned it off.

Open the windows, turn on the fans, throw off the thick winter blankets, absolutely, but turn on the air conditioner to lower the temperature by 3 degrees?

She turned it on again.

I turned it off again and told her that when she pays for half the electricity, we can negotiate the temperature settings. She pays a fixed rate on the rent, and any cost over that my brother pays part of and I pay part of. We offered her a place to live after she pissed off her last roommate, which allowed my brother to jump out of the lease before May 31st, when our lease is up.

So, until she pays more, I decide the temperature, and unless the thermostat reads 80, take a cool shower, because I'm not turning on the air conditioner.

At what temperature do you turn on the air conditioner?

Do you support safety, education, and a good economy?

2006-03-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

I am on the list of the Republican National Party because of my relationship with the OU College Republicans. I receive mailings pretty frequently asking for donations and encouraging me to be a good Republican. I will clarify my political affiliation:

I have Republican printed on my voter's registration card. In the state of Oklahoma, our primaries are closed. So, if you want to vote in the primaries, you have to vote for a particular party. Rarely in Oklahoma does anyone run outside of the two major parties. So, am I a Republican or a Democrat? Well, I think the lottery is stupid. I support more fiscal responsibility and less government involvement in individual's lives, and I believe that the Republicans are more that way than the Democrats. In Oklahoma, Republicans have been very smart in working to protect the rights of Home Schoolers, while Democrats are still trying to understand why anyone wouldn't want to give more money to Public Schools. I've volunteered for the Republican Party in many elections, even if the candidate does not perfectly match my views because I like volunteering. As long as I keep my views about homosexuality, the war on terrorism, Republicans' actual record of fiscal responsibility, and the No Child Left Behind act to myself, I'm good to go. I think Democrats are just as flawed in their positions on the above issues (save, maybe, for gay marriage), but then I disagree with them on Abortion, on Iraq, on taxes, and many other things. Without a doubt, this is a "lesser of two evils" situation, but I'm not even sure I'd call it evils. I believe that both sides are guinuinely interested in protecting the American way of life, but have different ways of policy-making on how to do so.

Anyway, I received a "Republican Party Census" with 18 questions about major political issues. Of course, on must fill out the form and return it with your donation or with $11 "to cover the cost of tabulating" the survey. Well, I start to read some of the questions, and I begin laughing. Are people really paying $11 to let the Republican party know their opinions on these "issues"?

Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans? Yes or No or Undecided. You've got to be kidding me. No, I only like initiatives that promote the saftety and security of some Americans. Or, heck, let's eliminate safety and security altogether. How about a real question like "Do you support the PATRIOT Act?" or "Do you support the right of the U.S. Government to indefinitely detain and/or to torture prisoners who are believed to be terrorists or associated with terrorists?"

Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations and all government buildings including monuments and museums? Yes or No or Undecided. Damn it, do they not understand that some people just like that terrorists have easy access to killing large numbers of people all at once? I mean, seriously, who is really going to say "No" to this question unless that have some concept of what kind of increased security we're talking about here. Even then, you'd have to come up with a really stupid suggestion to make this sound like a bad idea.

Do you support President Bush's pro-growth policies to create more jobs and improve the economy? Yes or No or Undecided. lol! No! If we don't have poor people and unemployment, what the hell else can we argue about? Improving the economy... who would think of such an absurd idea?

Do you think Congress should focus on cutting the federal budget deficit by reducing wasteful government spending? What?!? The government has wasteful spending!?! My God, this changes everything!

Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and restore local control of education? No, as we've seen with the CIA and Guantanamo Bay , accountability is a bad idea. I mean, the truth might come out and that's just not good for anyone. And, wait a second, the President of the federal government is going to give education back to local control? What, by federalizing a system of accountability? This is so much more confusing than I anticipated.

Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards? Higher standards? And then our children might actually be expected to learn something! Heavan forbid! They might go out and get jobs and improve the economy!

Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority? Oh my God, I can almost not joke about this anymore... Is there a single person in the world that disagrees with the above statement?

Do you support President Bush's initiatives to allow private religious and charitable groups to do more to help those in need? No... Charitable groups should be kept from being charitable, or at least under some circumstances.

Do you support the President's effort to save Social Security for future generations? I thought we covered the economic security thing? I mean, if old people aren't dieing because they can't afford to buy food, then really, what else can fill in the gap on slow news days? And wasteful spending, too! There's nothing like knowing that all those taxes we paid for so many years could just waste away to nothing.

Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations' commanders? I'm not entirely sure I understand this question: Do you mean that in times where the UN and the U.S. are working militarily in the same area that under no circumstances should an American soldier serve under a UN commander? That the US will make it a policy to never have cooperation with this international organization militarily because we make it policy to never have our troops under UN commanders? Or that every U.S. troop should be obligated to follow the orders primarily of the UN commanders? That UN military policy dictates U.S. military policy? There is no "Yes" or "No" answer to this question, but I am definitely not "undecided" about my opinion on this issue.

Should the U.S. continue work on building a defense shield against nuclear missile attack? No! I like waking up every day and thinking, "Ah, today could be the day the world comes to an end." I mean, it takes away the suspense. Seriously, though, apparently this is a trickier issue than we thought. I had someone tell me we were under a treaty that disallows any nation to build a nuclear defense shield. The idea is that no single nation should have a defense against nuclear weapons over other nations. I just don't get it... The idea is that nuclear weapons are bad, right? If we build a nuclear defense shield, then we are removing the affectivity of nuclear weapons, right? So, wouldn't be a better deal to say, "If you make one, you have to share it." Then, rather than simply disarming with an uncertainty whether or not there is another nuclear missile floating around somewhere, we would have a defense system that could protect any population on earth from the possibility of a nuclear missile attack.

But, like I said, it removes the suspense. ::rolls eyes::

Final question:

Do you support the election of Republican candidates across the country and rebuilding our majorities over the next ten years? After questions like these? Oh, geez, it's a good thing I'm moving to France.

Beth

2006-03-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

Recently I've been having a bout of reminiscence. You see it's been playing out in all sorts of peculiar ways such as my last post. Last week I drove to my parents' house by going down Morgan Road to Wilsure to Piedmont Road to Cornwell. There is never anyone on Morgan and on Wilsure at 12:30 a.m. So many times I'd return down that road from OKC to Yukon and collect my thoughts. Such places become holy to an individual because they represent so many ideas that you developed in your life. Driving is a place to think and, therefore, where you drive is where you think.

"Well, one time Beth and I," my mother would always begin and then start giggling. She'd laugh for another five minutes before she could finally get the story out. Beth was my mother's childhood friend. Neither of them were highly responsible in their youth and so the stories they created are legendary. The most famous is the hitchhiking story. I think my mom said they were fifteen when they decided to go from Denver, Colorado to Amarillo, Texas. So, like any reckless pair of youth, they decided to hitchhike there. From seeing the severed thumb of a truck driver to spending a period of time in jail, the story carries a mythic quality to it. Nobody really does that, do they?

Apparently they do.

It's been over a decade since I last saw Beth. She never really seemed like a real person to me because her presence in my life was only brought through my mother's stories. She was in Norman tonight and my family met up with her. It was bizarre sitting there and realizing that she looked like an average human being. I could have seen her at Wal-mart and I would have never known the difference. But in my mind Beth represented courage, recklessness, adventure, mischievousness, laughter mixed in with a little stupidity. She wasn't a person, she was a lifestyle that for so long I had never engaged in.

Before we left to meet up with them tonight, my mom said, "Watch her. This is what Cassidy will be like when she's 40." Cassidy, of course, is my hippie, free-spirited roommate who stands in stark contradiction to my more conservative and intellectual way of living. She has also been the sort of influence to encourage me to be a little more free-spirited. I watched Beth, and my mother was absolutely right. I watched my mom and Beth laugh about things they had done. I realized that that was what I wanted. I want to remember things about my life that make me laugh. I realized that I have been creating that with my friend Cassidy and other people I've begun knowing throughout college in much the same way my mother has done with Beth. The Beth ideal, which had for so long been incubating and festering in my realm of desire, has finally broke loose in my life. It's broken loose in a slightly more intelligent and responsible way, but nevertheless, it is very much here and in action on a day to day basis.

So, thank you, Beth, for the spirit that you bequeathed to my existence. It will always be remembered with smile.

Today is a Good Day.

2006-03-13T01:20:00.000-08:00

I am going to post a warning here. Many of you have already found that there are things on this site that express parts of me that you do not enjoy. I understand that, but at the same time this is a place for me to express myself in a way I do not feel I can in person. These postings liberate my mind. Somehow sharing my thoughts, even the ones I sometimes am nervous to share, gives me a sense of peace. In the following paragraphs I am going to outline some of my sexual experiences and substance experiences. If you are going to be offended, don't read on.

I know you are going to anyway, so when you do, don't be upset that it is what I told you it was going to be.

In the Fall of 2004, I attend OU for the first time. I took Botany that semester, and the seating was set so that everyone would have the same lab partners every class. I was assigned to a wonderful person, a very attractive young man from Maryland. He was shy, but so was I, and I was almost instantaneously attracted to him. I had been determined for a long time that I was not going to date as a means of finding my husband. However, I moved away from that position when I was in Missouri. There was a young man at College of the Ozarks who I was also attracted to, but he made his move the day before I was returning the Oklahoma. So, I had never been on a date, and I was extremely inexperience on how to get a boy to ask me out. Here I am in Botany every day wishing that he would talk to me, wondering why it was that I was unsuccessful in my endeavor. I finished my class, gave my lab partner my phone number and said, "We should hang out sometime next semester." He replied that that sounded great and he'd give me a call. I never heard from him.

I began hanging out with my brother and some of his friends that next semester. They were everything that I promised myself I would never get involved with during high school. These people were sexually active, physically involved with each other, drinkers, smokers, etc. But something had changed in my life and I began to believe that experience was not a sin if I did not do it for the wrong reasons. I did not think that all of my brother's friends were making their choices for such careful though processes as I was, but there were a way of finding the experiences that I wanted to have. I went to a few of there parties and it was from my select social experiences in early 2005 that lead me to have my first party at my apartment.

It was the night of March 5th that we held my party. My friends brought great music, lots of alcohol, and a determination to remove the stick I had up my ass for a little too long. I drank a lot that night. It was the first time I was ever drunk. My friend brought a Hookah to my apartment, which I had smoked once before. It was the first thing I had ever smoked. I had my first cigarette and cigar that night. I flirted and flirted some more and by the end of the evening, one guy asked me out. I was getting somewhere. I was so happy in my success of widening my realm of social experience.

It was the following Monday that I was waiting in line for pizza that I met my first boyfriend. There is something about success with one guy that leads to sexual confidence that exudes and creates sexual success with a lot of people. I flirted and set up what would become my first date.

It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. We talked about books, movies, personal histories, and so one. We kept dating from walking dogs to playing racquetball, and I did everything in my power to hide my inexperience. I am not sure to what point this young man knew how inexperienced I was, but if he knew, he did not speak of it much.

Then it happened, the next major step, the first kiss. I have to say it was not lightening or fireworks. He was a little drunk and we had been talking on his bed when he said, "I want to do this before my buzz wears off." Then he kissed me. It turned into a rather long make out session, in which the entire time I was completely terrified. I had no idea what was going on, and I don't remember it that pleasantly. But, I remember thinking, "Hm, I could see how this could be fun if I developed some skill at it." So I did. I made out with him again a few days later. Shirts came off the next time and then I asked him if he would consider becoming exclusive with me. He agreed and I enjoyed practicing with him as frequently as possible, and I a found as time went on that I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

What I did not realize was the degree to which I attached myself to him. After a month of being with my first boyfriend, he broke up with me. I was stunned. I did not understand why it was that he had been interested in me and then he was suddenly not interested in me. I was devastated. I tortured myself thinking about it for the next couple of weeks. I got blackout drunk for the first time the weekend after we broke up. I was so sick that I sat in my French class the following day while the room spun around me incessantly. I returned home and crashed on the floor without moving for hours. The girl who is now my roommate was there at the time and she found it funny. That weekend was without a doubt the darkest in my life. Not only was I frustrated by my circumstances, but I allowed my circumstances to manipulate my ability to make good decisions. I have never done that since.

After the breakup, my first though was, "Well, dating sucks ass, I'm never doing that again," but that was short lived. Something had changed that could not be undone. I had not had sex, but I had certainly gone quite far sexually. It leaves an imprint on you, and, well, damn it, one will certainly want more after a time. I kissed a few guys here and there, and then it happened. I made out with a friend of mine one night while we were both pretty drunk. He thought we were going to go much farther than I thought we were going to go. However, I remembered the "next morning feeling" from my blackout night, and I was not going to make the same mistake twice. I stopped myself, and therefore him as well, and called it a night. I am pretty certain that he was unhappy about this, but it was not his right to have me if I did not want to give it.

My memory of this time frame is somewhat muddled. First off, let me state that I began partying since the party I first held. I would meet up with friends, drink a little and hang out. Now that I worked with people my own age, I would hang out and get drunk pretty frequently. I smoked cigarettes and cigars often then and had no qualms any longer about kissing people for the hell of it. I know I made out more innocently with several other guys after then. I also kissed a couple of girls, not to discover any sexual capacity within me, but because girls’ lips are not that different from guys, and hey, it's fun!

At some point, I began to believe that dating was a good idea again and started going out with some different men. I went out with several very amiable guys, but it was my co-worker that would sweep me off my feet. It all began with the question, "Do you like swinging?"

I wrote first dating Andey in the post "a couple of nights". Dating Andey was wonderful. I do not think he'll ever know that our relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to me for romance. It started off slowly, because I did not think it would go anywhere. He was a liberal, a Mormon, bicycle riding, hippyish sort of a guy without a lot of clear ambition in his life. He was focused on his mission for his church, but not really about a future career or intellectual achievements like I was. This is the last person in the world that I would ever consider having a long term relationship with. But he could date. And he was amazing at it.

He asked me out by walking up to me at one point and saying, "Do you like swinging?" I had no idea what that question entailed. It could mean a lot of things, but he meant it quite simply as going to a park and swinging. I agreed, and then I stood him up. I don't think I ever told him that I stood him up so I could smoke with my friends. Regardless, he was persistent and I entertained his persistence until we went out the first time.

He picked me up from my apartment with a new plan: He was going to take me to downtown Norman and we'd walk from building to building climbing the ladders to the roofs. I took my camera with me and we talked while I took pictures. Then we saw there was a Harvest moon and so we parked in the parking lot of the Norman Transcript and talked late into the night. It was so much fun! The next time we went out, he took me to Lake Thunderbird where we set off waterproof fireworks in the lake. Every time I was with him, we’d do something unique and exciting, and there was nothing physical about it. Finally, I realized our relationship was going to become something different when one night he told me how much he thought I was amazing and that he knew I was seeing other people, but that he just appreciated the time that he had with me. Andey had a way with words that made me feel as if I were the only thing he cared about in the world. Here’s some concept of what he would say to me. He posted this on his blog about me before we became official, before we had even been dating for some time:

“Hilarious, Sensitive, Adventurous. She knows I have a blog now, but she doesn't know where, So I'm going to post with continuing impunity. This woman is amazing. She's smart, confident, smart, fun, adventurous, smart, joyful, and gorgeous. I deserve someone like this, I really do. She probably deserves someone way better. I mean I'm a very strange mess.

I'm definetly taken back by her, you can tell you're taken back by a woman when the idea of her smiling or speaking seems like a glorious tribute to beauty and all poetry. The funny thing is, I don't feel exclusive. I'm spending time with someone I like a whole lot, but I don't see us going anywhere, and for the first time ever I prefer it that way. It's just a lot of fun without fear....”

I loved that feeling. And I agreed on the point on non-exclusivity and the notion that it wasn’t going anywhere, but it was great! It was poetry and adventure and romance and great kissing and everything else you want with a romantic partner.

I enjoyed it while I could, but eventually those differences that made a long term relationship impossible became illuminated each day we were together. Among many other things, his commitment to his religion, which is nothing to be ashamed of, limited our physical relationship. I became frustrated by this and longed to be with someone different. At first I thought I could just ignore it. But he would never go out with me when I continued my Norman social activities. Being drunk and unable to be with the guy you are dating is a dangerous thing. When I briefly made out with someone else while I was still with Andey, I knew it had to end. He deserved someone who treasured his lifestyle and the choices he made. I could not give that to him.

We broke up, rather gently, and that was the end of it. I have hardly spoke to him since, but his memory has shaped my romantic experience since then. How could it not? Any time someone says, “Hey, so do you want to, like, hang out some time or something?” my initial thought is, “It’s not ‘Do you like swinging?’” Since Andey, I have sort of seen this one person on and off. My relationship with this person, however, has been extremely limited by the fact that his style of dating does not have the same romance, passion, and excitement that I became so adjusted to.

Regardless of my success in finding a boyfriend, I have adopted this new strategy of finding an occasional make out partner. This is something that is still in the experimental stages, but it’s not doing too badly for me. The first person I made out with after Andey, absolutely no one in the world except for him knows about it. (Well, this guy may have told his current girlfriend.) I had to hang out with my friends the next day, and they did not even notice that I wore a scarf around my neck the whole day. I had a hickey and I did not want anyone to know lest they guess who it was. It was the farthest I had ever been with anyone before. We did not have sex, although it was certainly an option, and we did about everything else except for sex. It was strange, though, and I wouldn’t want to be in that same situation again. But it is done and I certainly gained a great deal of experience from it.

Since then, it seemed my romantic life had come to a stand still. I just sort of accepted that I was not going to date before I went to Italy and France. I am now working both Friday and Saturday nights and that has significantly affected my ability to hook up with anyone.

And then the strangest thing happened. I went to an event at OU about American culture and religion when one of my classmates came around to sit with me. As he approached me, I saw his friend; it was my Botany lab partner. Almost immediately, I thought, “You know, I wonder what would happen now that I have gotten some grip on this whole dating thing?” As it happens, he apparently regretted having never called me and wanted to date me now. How convenient. As soon as I agreed, though, he said something I did not expect, “I am not very experienced with dating.”

It’s almost comical, I think, the way this has worked out. I started dating because I believed (and still do believe) that I was not enjoying all the pleasurable experiences available to a person making rational and correct decisions in there life. I no longer believe that physical relations outside of marriage are sinful and they are fun to have, so I have them. My lab partner was one of the relationships I thought I had missed out on because of my inexperience at reeling men in, but as it turns out he was just as inexperienced as me. I had been attracted to him at the time when I was inexperienced, but now that I am experienced and he is not, I am no longer attracted to him. We dated a few times the last couple of weeks, and it was fun on some level. But I had to explain everything to him! He did not know what questions to ask to get to know me that would not imply that he was thinking about marriage. He did not know when was the right time to kiss me. He did not know that a couple of dates and some very basic physical contact such as holding hands and laying side by side does not mean that you are boyfriend and girlfriend. He dropped me off at my apartment while I was drunk and clearly eager to make out with anyone in sight without even walking me to my door. I wonder if he’ll ever know that after he dropped me off, I spent the next few hours flirting with one of my other friends in person, and two other friends over the phone!

A couple of nights back I ended up messing around with another one of my friends and it was a blast. At the end, I asked him, “Any complaints or suggestions?” I know this sounds like a horrible thing, but I usually ask because these are my friends and they always have constructive criticisms that make me better at what I do such as, “Don’t open your mouth so wide” or “Be louder” and so on and so forth. This time, though, my friend replied, “Hell no.” I was so proud.

On the note of thoughts after my activity with this person, things are very much in the air. It was so enjoyable that I want to do it again. At the same time, going back might suggest the beginning of a relationship and I am not certain that I want to begin a relationship with him.

I received an e-mail from my Botany lab partner. I broke the news to him a few days ago that things are not going to work out between us. I told him it was because we have a lack of common interests, which is true. I do not think that we share enough in common outside of just thinking that dating each other would be fun to justify me taking the time to teach him the ropes about relationships. He thinks he’s done something to offend me. He wants to know why things ended so quickly, and I don’t know what to tell him. Truth is that when I look at him I see the same person I was last year. I was eager to break with my rather sober activities, but I was a little late getting started as compared to my peers. It is definitely difficult breaking into the game, but if one is a quick learner, you can pull it off. I think I am going to tell him that it’s not going to work because he’s too inexperienced, but that he should keep at it. Learn from what I’ve told him so far and keep at it; it’s worth it! At the same time, I don’t want to make him feel that he is ill qualified to recommend himself to girls because he failed with me. I’m still trying to figure out what I am going to do and it is not easy.

So, why am I writing this? Because it’s March of 2006 and I can’t help thinking about March 2005 and everything that has happened since then. I have started dating, started smoking, start partying, started making out, started drinking, and so on. Somehow I am trying to process who I’ve become. This is a tribute to my victories and a study of my failures. It is a recognition of the things that I have learned and of the fact that there are still so many things to learn. Every once and a while, people need to take a step back from their lives and realize what is going on. If it’s not what they want it to be, then they should change their actions. If it is what they want it to be, then they should definitely pause before changing their actions.

So, I’ve taken my step back and let’s just say I think my actions are working quite well for me.

Hm, but that’s just with romance and sociability.

Now I need to think about politics, religion, school, and much more.

Those are other days.

Shades of Purple, Blue, and Green.

2006-03-09T20:19:00.000-08:00

I went to the doctor today. I hate going to the doctor, but there are a few occassions that I find this task useful. Well, I went hiking in the Wichita Mountains this last Monday. I was over-ambitious with my rock hopping, and I hurt my ankle. My first thought was, "Blast, I'm not going to be able to hike anymore today with a twisted ankle." Well, that didn't happen. I wanted to watch the sunset from Mount Scott from a lovely position, so I hiked down a little ways. It hurt, but it was worth it as you can see.

However, this was Sunday. Today is Thursday. When I examined my ankle this morning, you should have seen it. Yesterday it was so swollen that I couldn't fit into my shoes. (Hence I called a doctor.) This morning, much of the swelling had gone down to be replace by horrible bruising all over my foot. You can see in the picture below the line of bruising where the tear is most apparent. What is difficult to see is that there is bruising up above the ankle, running down my ankle and then on top of my foot. Naturally, of course, it's still swollen to about twice the size of my other ankle. But, nothing is broken! I have yet to have a broken bone, and I do not intend to have one at any point in my life. Just a very serious sprain. The doctor issued me a rather medival looking ankle brace that I must wear for the next two weeks and then I must wear it any time I do any other intense physical activity for the next year!

In the past week, I have been accepted both to the study abroad program in Italy for the summer and then France for the next year. So, there you will see me, trapsing about Italy and France with my ankle wrapped up in some hideous black contraption. I should make up a story about why I have to wear it so I might make something useful out of my misfortune. Perhaps I'll say these ankle things are all the rage in the U.S. ::sighs::

Well, nothing says Spring Break like the lack of rapid mobility.

"Where Do Black People Go?"

2006-03-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

I now work at a bar, which is a really interesting thing. It has brought me experience that I could not have obtained any other way. Last night, a couple approached me and asked me if I knew Norman well. I replied that I did and then the woman asked me, "Where do black people go?" You know, there are some things you don't hear very often, so you don't know how to respond to it at first; this is one of those questions. Instantly, I became very aware that they were black and I was not. I stood there silent for a moment, and as I processed the question, I grew a little disgusted by it. I stumbled over my words trying to communicate that we don't have segregated bars in Oklahoma. The woman responded, "Oh, so everyone sort of goes to the same places?" I nodded my head and she asked me, "Okay, so where do cool people go?" I made a recommendation and wished them a good night. However, this morning I was thinking about it and it really bothered me.

The thing was they just wanted to go to a cool bar. The bar where I work is definitely a mellow, older environment. That's fine. When I go out, I don't go to Othello's either. Yet somehow, this woman decided to make race the primary source of her inquiry. Why? If she wanted to hang out at a cool bar, why not just ask where the cool bars are? I work hard every day to give her and her boyfriend respect. I chastise my friends because they will occassionally make a racially inappropriate comment. I get into arguments all the time explaining that just because one says that they are not racist does not mean that they do not act racist. What we have in America is a nation full of people who say they are not racist and yet they let racism breed in their hearts with little snide comments and trivial actions. And here I am staring this woman in the face who is doing exactly this thing that I have worked so hard to stop specifically for the benefit of the people of her race! Does she want me to cease my efforts? Does she want me to ignore the walls that society has built up between races? Does she to insist that there is a difference and I should always remember that?

Well, I do not care what she thinks. I know what is right and I will keep doing it.

A Curse on Reepicheep and his Kind.

2006-03-03T08:09:00.000-08:00

So, I was originally sad that I had to kill a mouse a couple of weeks back, but then I killed a second one. Then there were more. And now I'm just pissed. Why my apartment? The only one(s) left are terribly clever and they keep eating the peanut butter off the trap before it snaps. Bastards. So now all I'm doing is fattening it (them) up. The apartment office offered me mouse poison, but I'm afraid of it finding a nice little hiding spot before it dies. Suddenly my roommate and I will think, "Hm, what's that smell?" Rotting mouse, that's what it'll be. No other choice but more peanut butter.

Any other suggestions?

The Shortest Pilot in the World

2006-03-01T17:07:00.000-08:00

This semester I decided to volunteer for a program here called "Conversation Café." It's a program that helps English as a Second Language students learn English by spending time with normal English speaking students. Today was my first day, and I can't believe I didn't hook up with this program earlier. I was assigned three women to speak with, but none of them came. Instead, these two men by the name of Habib, one from Saudi Arabia and the other from United Arab Emirates, spoke with me for a while.

The man from Saudi Arabia told his friend that he should tell me a story. After some persuasion, Habib from UAE began telling his story. He said that when he was younger his father wanted him to become a doctor. However, Habib wanted to become a pilot. Everyone he knew said that he couldn't become a pilot because he was so short. Eventually his father gave him a large some of money and said, "Well, take this and study whatever you want." So, he went to study to be a pilot.

When he went to apply for his pilot's license, the man in charge said that he was not sure that he could let him have the license because he was so short. After some convincing, the man finally said, "Fine, I'll let you pursue this if you answer this one question. I'll give you one hour to answer: You are flying a plane and you see another plan flying towards you. There is no radio contact, what do you do?" So, Habib went home, prayed to God to give him the answer, and after 25 minutes he returned. He gave his answer and he was right.

Since then, he has traveled all over the world watching airshows. He's moved here with his wife to practice his English. However, I wondered silently how difficult it was for him, of Arab descent, to move to Norman as a pilot. He told me that he had to argue with the American government that he was not a terrorist. He said, "I told them that I do not have enough to be a terrorist. It's very expensive to be a terrorist." I listened to him give his reasons for why he wasn't a terrorist, and held back my laughter.

Anyway, while he was visiting a airshow in France, he was stopped by security. He tried to explain that he was a pilot, but they didn't believe him because he was so short. He pulled out his license and answered all the appropriate questions. However, despite proving that he had done nothing wrong, the security officer insisted that he take all of his information. Habib provided him with all the questions the security officer asked, and then went on his way.

A few weeks later, he was contacted by someone stating, "We're with the Guinness Book of World Records, and we would like to add you to our list as the shortest pilot in the world." His response was, initially, "What's the Guinnes Book of World Records?"

That is what I did today was listen to a man tell me about his life. For a few moments there, I felt as if I had left the U.S. My feeling of confidence about my ability to coerce was dashed to pieces because these men clearly had very different cultural mannerisms and rules of politesse. However, both of them were extremely appreciative that I was so patient and kind. Thay both took pictures with me (when I get them, I'll post them on here) and the gentlemen from Saudi Arabia bought me a bag of M&Ms.

It was a fine day.

Darfur.

2006-02-23T16:32:00.000-08:00

I know that my posts keep getting darker and darker, but it is the way of being an International and Area Studies student. I went to a lecture today by Senator Tom Coburn and the head of the Religious Studies program at OU. I was stunned. Right now in Darfur, Sudan, genocide is happening. The UN is not acting quickly enough and the African Union is not strong enough to make anything happen. The U.S. on the other hand does have the power to assist this region and Sec. Rice has requested that the legislature give her the funding to do so. If this situation is severe enough that the fiscally conservative Tom Coburn says that we should help, then you know that this situation is something we need to help with. This is an issue that has bipartisan support, but citizens have not been vocal enough with their leaders to let make this issue a priority.

Right now the best thing you could do is call your Senator and/or representative and ask them right now to support acting to stop genocide in Darfur. If you are uncertain what to say, here's a script:

“Hi, this is ___ calling from ___. I’m calling to urge Representative/Senator ___ to do everything he/she can to make sure that the $123 million that the Administra-tion recently requested for African Union peacekeeping troops in Darfur is appropriated as soon as possible. Funding the African Union is critical to stopping what both the President and Congress have called genocide. Please tell the Congress(man/woman) /Senator that his/her constituents care about Darfur and expect Congress to fund the AU peacekeepers. Thank you.”

Also, please google "Darfur" and find a website that will send a postcard for you to the President that asks him to act to stop the genocide. Then, let your friends know about this. Talk about it at church. Talk about it at work. Tell your relatives. This really is something that we can help with. People always say if they knew, they would have helped. Well, now you know.

Now I Lucked Out Hard Core.

2006-02-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

I received a letter from the Honor's College yesterday saying, "We want to congratulate you on maintaining a 4.0 last semester." I did not make a 4.0 last semester. It was my first semester not to make a 4.0. I read it out loud to my friends while I laughed. They thought that perhaps it was a jab. "Yeah, Jessica, way to screw up."

One of the reasons I did not make a 4.0 was Honors Micro Economics. That class completely mystified me. I was one of the most vocal persons in class. I knew all the answers to the questions that were asked in class. I explained production and cost theory to my mother at Chili's. I studied a lot. I still made a B.

Grrr...

So, I showed up for my first Macro Economics exam today a little confident. I've made every class and have studied extensively. And this is not Honors. One of my friends who took honors with me last semester was there and we were recapping. Remember there are 500 students in my class. This kid walks right up to me and says, "Hey, do you know what the Parity Price Ratio is?" It sounded familiar, but I had no idea. Then another kid walks up and says, "Yeah, it's the ratio of non-farming products to farming products. They multiple by 100 to get a number. They use it to determine if the government needs to subsidize farmers and by how much."

::smirks::

I get the test. I would have known every question. Except one. Sure enough, there it was, "What is the Parity Price Ratio?"

Hehe.

We Lucked Out Hard Core.

2006-02-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

So, when the conflict in Bosnian happened, I was, what, like 6? So, yeah, I don't remember it so much. Now, I am paying for my ignorance because I am being forced to study to situation in Yugoslavia since essentially pre-Ottoman rule. It's horrible, and I'm not even to the 1990s yet! I'm curious, though, to what degree the media revealed to the public the events in that region during the second world war. To simplify the story, let me give you the low down:

The Croats have always been tight with Italy and so they ended up working with the Axis. The Serbs ended up working with the Allies. That, however, is really inconsequential. Neither group really cared that much about the war outside of that region. They were hell bent on killing each other. The Axis set into power a group called the Ustasas in Croatia. The Ustasas are like, "Hey, let's kill a third of the Serbs, export another third, and force the final third to convert to Catholicism." So, they'd just march into Serbian villages and kill all of them. The Serbs had their own little ethnic cleansing group, the Cetniks. The number of people die are in the hundreds of thousands if not millions. But what's important is not the number of people who died, but the way in which they were killed. The concentration camps in the Balkans make the German's look civilized. The slavs did not have the money to waste bullets or build gas chambers, so they had to be more creative with their forms of genocide. Both of these groups were sadistic in their brutality, rape, murder, and torture of children, men, women, and the elderly. One historian describes the massacres as "pornographic" to describe "the pathological nature of the hatred" (Perica 2002 23).

Seriously.

Every time I read about the conditions of World Wars in every other region of the world except for the Americas, I cannot help thinking how blessed we were to be the winners of the situation. The losers lost more than economic power and international political clout. These poor people, from the Germans to the Serbs to the Turks to the Iraqis and so on, have seen violence that we, as Americans, can only imagine.

1 glass of wine in me, an hour to kill, and well, damnit, this sounds like fun.

2006-02-20T18:04:00.000-08:00

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8 o'frickin' clock in the morning
2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearls. This is my birthstone.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? At the cinema? Do people seriously use that phrase anymore? Munich.
4. What are your favorite TV shows? Lost and 24
5. What did you have for breakfast today? Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds.
6. What is your middle name? Lauren
7. Favorite food? Fajitas with chips and queso.
8. What foods do you dislike? Bell Peppers. They are horrible in every way.
9. Favorite drink? Hot Chocolate.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? The Tain by The Decemberists
11. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive a car! Look at me! I'm contributing to reduction of demand for gas and helping the environment. Why don't I join the Democratic Party now?
12. Favorite sandwich? Club anything.
13. What characteristics do you despise? Passivity.
14. Favorite item of clothing? High heals. It's a power thing.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? The French Riveria.
16. What color is your bathroom? Gray and white.
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express.
18. Where would you retire to? New York or Pennsylvania.
19. Favorite time of the day? 7:00 p.m. It's the time I think, "Hm, I don't have to go to bed until after midnight and, hey, I am not at class! Let's have fun!"
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Eighteenth. My mom took me to the Philbrook museum and I took pictures. This is the day I got into photography.
21. Where were you born? Do I have to answer this question?
22. What's your favorite cartoon? Actually, I really dislike cartoons. Animaniacs? It's been years since I've watched it, but that was classic. That and The Tick.
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? For e-mails only.
24. Person you expect to send it back first? For e-mails only... But I think Jordan might fill it out.
25. What fabric detergent do you use? Gain.
27. Are you a morning person or a night person? Times of the day greet me different each day that I live. Sometimes the morning is my friend and sometimes the evening greets me better.
28. What is your shoe size? 8
29. Do you have any pets? Kenobi and Shadow are my aussie shephard puppies. Ahhhhh, they're so cute.
30. Any new or exciting news you want to share with friends and Family? I'm going to Italy for the summer!
31. What did you want to be when you were little? A nurse, and then I discovered I freaked out around blood.

Additions:

32. What word do you regularly misspell? Separate.
33. What was the favorite year of your life? 13.
34. What do you do when you're nervous? Talk really fast.
35. How many different hair colors have you tried? 3.

For warmth and a little peanut butter.

2006-02-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

For this little fellow, his last days promised warmth. The winter here on the Oklahoma fields were warmer than normal. The past few days, though, were cold. In one night, the world around him became covered in ice and snow. He ran from place to place searching for a place to escape the weather. His fate was bound in a tiny hole that no one knows of except for him.

He crawled and he crawled until at last he found himself standing on vinyl flooring. It was warm, he realized, but more than that. Scattered across the strange ground beneath him is enough food to survive the winter with joy. In fact, why leave? He moves around with caution, and at length his doom stepped into his view. Beasts that he had only seen from the distance lumbered across the vinyl flooring. He hid beneath that big machine that rumbled, and waited. Finally, the great beast settled in the distance. Time for this little guy to expand his horizons. He prides himself for remaining unseen for so long, and he confidently runs to the big black thing on the carpeted ground. He did not know it them, but that was the beginning of him doom.

The great beast grumbled and rose to its feet. After some time, it exited out of a bigger hole, back into the cold. Oh well, the little fellow thinks, their loss. Why go into the cold when their is warmth and food to be found here. But the beast returns. The little guy waits and hears a few clickings. He waits and bides his time. When the great beasts rests, then he will find tonight's feast.

When the quiet settles in his new domain, our little friend follows the smell of something that is fantastically unique. Here in a little contraption of plastic and metal was a meal that he could only imagine. It took some working, but he was able to get his mouth to the stuff that smelled so good. This, he did not know, was the stuff we call peanut butter. So rapt in this moment of ecstasy, he did not see it coming. The plastic was bound to a spring, and the spring to the peanut butter, and when he got his mouth around it, the plastic came down upon his neck. He struggled and fought, but this device is twice his size. It was designed so his tiny body could not escape.

I am sorry, my friend, that the world is so small that there cannot be warmth for both of us. The moment you braved the carpet, I saw your scramblings and I knew I would be your end. You see, with your species comes disease and a will to breed that is only encourage by the warmth of my apartment. You could have raised so many with the filth that is the kitchen cleaning battles between me and my roommate. She doesn't like to sweep after her own messes, and I don't like to sweep after messes I don't make. I could have caught and released you back into your natural home, but you would only have found an unbearable cold that would have killed you anyway. At least this death found you in a moment of happiness.

Too Many Frustrations.

2006-02-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

I have been without my computer for essentially one month. I do not think I can communicate how frustrating this is. For French, there are online activities you have to download. For my Religious Studies class, I have to post comments three times a week online. And for my International and Area Studies class, most of the information we need is available online. I can get on a computer on campus, but I either have to already be on campus, or I have to take the bus to campus. In most of the labs they charge me for making prints. I called Comp USA to see if my computer is back in. They said it had just been shipped. I was dumbfounded.
"You mean," I said, "that my computer sat at Comp USA for a week before you shipped it to Apple?"
"Well," replied the manager, "yeah, we had some troubles."
"Well," I began cooly, "did you consider when you had 'troubles' that you should give me a call to let me know?"
"Oh, yeah," he responded quickly, "we should have called you."
"Uh huh," I ask, "so, why didn't you call me?"
"Oh." Long pause. "I don't know. I look into that for you."

Rage.

Some of you know that I have been attempting to study in Turkey over the summer. I received an e-mail from the professor heading the program saying we were short students and if we didn't recruit, the trip might not happen. I e-mailed the professor asking if I should be concerned about this enough to consider another program. He never e-mailed me back. I took that as a "Yes." Fortunatey, I still had time to look at other summer programs. Looks like I'm going to Italy instead. I'll just have to grin and bear it.

Good ending.

My friend has attempted to set me up three times and failed each time. It's really a pity, because I liked all three of the guys he's suggested. However, nothing is more disappointing then hearing, "I met your future husband" and then nothing happens. Remind me to not listen to his suggestions in the future unless the guy is holding an engagement ring.

Too bad, too, because I'm sure that there will be no moderately attractive men in Italy for me to hook up with. ::raises eyebrow::

Hope in future.

My French history class is one night a week. I went the first week and discovered that the bookstore messed up; apparently there were many books I needed to buy for the class. Considering the bookstore error, I assumed he'd push the reading back a week. Then, we had no class the next week, so I assumed we only needed to do the reading for that first week. I get to class, and not only did he expect us to reading from the first two weeks, but the next two weeks as well. When no one in class had done this he said, "Well, you better hurry up because we have our first test next week." So, I dropped the class. However, I may have to pay for it.

Despite this, it means that this will be my first semester only taking 12 hours. I do not think I can express how much better I feel as a result. I'm working again as a waitress on campus corner, I have developed a very large group of friends, and this is my last semester before I'll be abroad. I could use the break.

A little peace.

When I get my computer back, I'll do some more postings.

But what of the soul?

2006-01-29T09:34:00.000-08:00

I received an e-mail from an old friend of mine just this morning, and I was very happy to hear from him again. In addition, it gives me the opportunity to clarify a theological point of my acceptance of evolution. He has been reading my blog and he believes that a large gap to the meshing of Christianity and evolution is the issue of the soul. Where did it come from and was there a fall?

This is actually quite appropriate, following my last post, because it was my science teacher at CofO that first introduced me to this concept. I think there are several extremely important points to the story of creation in the Bible. First, of course, I do not believe it is a literal representation of the creation of the universe. If you read it carefully, very little of it makes any sense. There was light on the first day, but we don't get the source of light until the fourth day. The earth was formless and empty, but there were "waters"? This is what I believe the story of creation was meant to tell:

1) The existence of the universe came about from the will of God, and that the product was something He believed was good.
2) Humans are a form that are in the image of God. I do not believe this implies a physical image, but rather elements of our nature. I believe it is represented in our ability to think independently, a desire to create, an ability to perceive the world abstractly and so on and so forth.
3) At some point, we became aware of God, and we became aware of good and evil.
4) Despite what we knew was right, humans chose to wrong. As a result, we began feeling shame, because we knew that we had no right to be in the presence of a perfect God.

What do I believe happened? I believe that God set the universe into motion, and that He had a very specific plan of creating a being that could think freely. Why? Well, I believe that He wanted to be in a relationship. There is more fulfillment to being loved by someone who chooses to love you rather than being loved by someone who has no choice or no knowledge of a choice. As evolution continued its process, a creature came about that began having abstract thought, and an intense capacity for rationality and choice making. This was the design of God, and I believe that He gave to these creatures the ability to perceive the unnatural or spiritual world. In fact, I believe this may be what "the breath of live" that made each man become "a living being." Our bodies and minds were dead to the spiritual world, and at a point God made us apart of it. Whether that meant that they gained a soul or that he had to give them souls in order to perceive it is irrelevant. I do not believe there was one Adam or Eve, but that they represent the first of Gods contacts with humans. However, because we existed with free will, every one of us made choices that were against the will of God.

Am I absolutely sure? Not really. I'm not exactly sure what God wants from us, or how He created the world, or how the soul came about. I do my best to understand the world given the information that I have available to me. I believe, though, the way I do because I do not believe that the evidence on earth is faulty or that God created a world meant to deceive us into believing the world is older or created differently than the way it really is. Yet, this is not what matters. What matters is that I see in myself a fall. I have chosen evil, I have sinned, and I understand that I do not deserve to be in the presence of such perfection. I believe that I obtain redemption by accepting the sacrifice of Christ as truth and by following the guidelines He has laid out for me.

Make sense?

Probably not, but I'm open for debate.

The Great Divide at OU.

2006-01-27T13:19:00.000-08:00

I am filling out my applications for study abroad in the Fall, and I came across the forms for letters of recommendation from my professors. It occurred to me, for the first time since I left College of the Ozarks, how much I miss knowing my professors. Maybe it's my fault, or maybe it's just the way of going to such a large public university, but I'm now in my fourth semester of OU, and I only know one or two of my professors really well. At CofO, I knew 4 of my professors really well, and the only reason I didn't know the 5 was because that class was split into three parts. Each section was too short to really know your professors.

I think this is something that needs to be improved in the academic world. This was part of the reason my mother home schooled me; she wanted the person who taught her kids to be personally involved in their lives. This not only meant her, but any other co-op teacher who taught Nick and me. Now, I go to class and leave, and I can't even remember what the names of my professors were. In addition, they certainly do not remember me. This lack of connection between the professors and the students is tragic. That rift will only weaken the intellectual strength of our youth, as well as discouraging professors from putting real effort into their classes.

I ran into the head the Expository Writing program at OU Wednesday, and he was meeting with a candidate for professorship in the program. He asked me why I loved the program so much, and I said, "You know, I still meet with Dr. Hawkins (my EXPO professor from my first semester at OU, Fall '04) and I think that says something. I hardly know any of my other professors. I think that speaks to the significance of the class to a student." If only all classes were as well run as that one.

King of the Obvious.

2006-01-26T09:37:00.000-08:00

"I don't see how you can be a partner in peace if you advocate the destruction of a nation." - George W. Bush on the Hamas victory.

I'm not making a political statement by posting this or attempting to make fun of GW. I love the way the words very clearly convey a rather obvious dilemma.

Ghosts from the Past.

2006-01-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

There have been precious few times in my life where I have said, "Goodbye" to someone and felt happy to believe it was unlikely I should meet them again. I knew someone once who took time out of his day to call me on the phone so that he could rub my face in my failures. I did not appreciate it then. When I finally quit the organization that we mutually attended, I felt this happiness I described above. I was certain I would not see him again. Somehow, it is like a fly to the zapper, this boy consistently finds his way back to me. It's infuriating. So many times I've met a person and longed to meet them again, but our relationship ends there.

When I desire it the most, coincidence seems set against me.

Fandom.

2006-01-14T10:22:00.000-08:00

I attended my first OU football game this last semester. It was fascinating. I have grown up in the center of Oklahoma and have felt the pains of OU football obsession my entire life. I remember making my first trip to Norman on a Saturday during a game. My destination was not the game, but it did not matter; I was pulled into the madness without my consent. Norman is not a large town, and so when there is a game, the whole town is consumed by it. I was not wearing Crimson and Cream on this unfortunate first meeting, and I paid for it by the disgusted stares of the more knowledgeable fans. I can say that after this initial introduction to OU football, I wanted nothing to do with it.

Yet, I think that it is pointless to attend such a university and not attend at least one football game for the cultural value it provides. So, when I was given the opportunity to attend the OU vs. OSU game, I went. And, I loved it. There is a pattern to being a fan. You dress a certain way and throughout a game, you make certain chants and gestures. You know when to cheer and when to boo, and when you are cheering for such a good team with such a large group of people, it's uniquely fulfilling.

I was reminded of this feeling when I attended a Hornets game last night. This is even slightly more difficult, because the Hornets are not nearly as dominant a team as OU. (Or, at least, they did not play as dominantly against the Kings and OU played against OSU.) I had no attachment to this team, but yet by the end of the game, I am undeniably bound to their success or failure. If you go to a game and do not cheer, it is not half as fun. You cheer for you team as they enter the court, and you make the first connection. Then your enemy comes out, and suddenly the battle is yours. Every shot they make is an insult. And you are deeply elated every point that your team makes. You take confidence in the fact that you know when to cheer at the right time with the rest of the crowd to make the most noise.

The NBA is a clever beast. They have been forced to play some of the games at the Lloyd Noble Center in Norman, rather than the Ford Center in OKC. Norman, however, is not as passionate a fan base as OKC. So, someone dresses up a fake mascot for the other team and brings him out after the first quarter to say, "I had been told that OKC had the worst fans ever." Now it's personal. That bastard just said we can't cheer. He even had the audacity to mistake us as Oklahoma State University. Everyone starts getting louder, yelling at him to get off "our" court. Needless to say, we were loud the rest of the game and quite grateful when "our" mascot ran him out.

::raises an eyebrow:: The many faces of marketing.

But I like it. It makes my experience more enjoyable the more I am attached to the competition. Will I go back? Absolutely.

Go OU.

Ayn Galactica.

2006-01-13T11:39:00.000-08:00

I have been hanging out with a good friend of mine throughout the break. He is intrigued with my connections to Objectivism, and he will occassionally delve into a conversation with me concerning it. However, they are short lived, because (In order to avoid the confusing terms "conservative" and "liberal") he is what you might call the "occassional looter." For those of you who are not familiar with the term "looter," I'll clarify with a loose definition: a person who seeks to take away the profit of people who actually work and give it to people who don't work and don't attempt to work. This is an unfortunate situation. I've found most looters have good intentions, but simply lack (or do not wish to posess) the rationality to examine the beneficiaries of their redistribution of wealth.

Anyway, this good friend of mine will then go talk to his brother about our conversations, which is also unfortunate, because I think his brother would probably kiss Marx, Lenin, and perhaps even Stalin on the cheek if he had the chance. So, our conversations never really go anywhere, because I do not have the opportunity to combat the arguments from the source. However, I have never selected friends based on their accordance to my personal philosophies. As long as they do not force me to compromise my moral positions, I feel no harm in enjoying their company. However, I am connected with his brother through this indirect debate.

Beyond this, my friend enjoys watching Sci-Fi shows. My interests in television is for one purpose only: it is light entertainment. I spend a great deal of time thinking, and so, on occassion, I will endulge in an amount of mindless activity. Stargate SG-1 has been a show that I could watch, and enjoy without thinking too much about it. My friend invited me over to watch it with him on the Sci-Fi channel with his roommate in their traditional Sci-Fi Friday get together. Needless to say, I was the only female. On Friday nights, there are three shows: Stargate SG-1 (which has been going downhill), Stargate Atlantis (which started downhill), and Battlestar Galactica. The latter show interests me a great deal, and I have a feeling I will rent a season when I get a chance.

The point here is that I have a new name because of this. Apparently my friend brother used to ask "How's the Objectivist?" but when my friend replied that I hung out with him to watch Battlestar Galactica, the brother was stunned. So now when he asks about me, he asks, "So, how's Ayn Galactica doing?"

Somehow, I delight in this name.

Is it abnormal, or are we bored?

2006-01-01T17:29:00.000-08:00

I was amused to discover that Eastland County Texas had made national news. Fires, apparently, are rushing over this area of the country and the "government spokesmen" is hoping to evacuate the entire county. This is tragic, for all those who have houses there. I need to ask my mom if there are any insurance concerns, but if I remember correctly, fire is always covered. It's hurricanes that get complicated. If the storm destroys your house, no problem. If it was flooding, though, then you have to have separate insurance. So, as as unfortunate as it is, hopefully everyone who has home insurance in these counties scouraged by wildfires will find adequate reimbursement on their property if it is burned down.

However, this has been a rather strange year. We started it out donating huge sum of money to Tsunami relief effort. Then Katrina came and we donated more. Then Rita came and I am almost certain there were several other large hurricanes or storms outside of those two. Now we have wildfires and flooding in the west. Have natural disasters been springing up rapidly, or has there been a sudden interest in the news consumer market for stories about natural disasters? I suppose we could be wearying of politics, controversy, and war, and therefore what something else to be miserable about that can't be solved. You are supposed to keep up with politics, because you are responsible for who's in charge. When something goes wrong, it almost like it's the citizens fault for not paying close enough attention. Nature, however, is not elected. It is the ultimate us verses them. We humans have to stick together if we want to survive the cruelty of the universe, regardless of the internal conflicts of our species.

I don't remember another year where so much of this stuff happen and with such violent force. I remember Andrew, but did several other natural disasters happen that year at the same time? Or is there something about human memory that makes us want to believe that whatever misfortune that exists right now is the worst that has ever happened, regardless if it is or is not? If that's the case, I wonder what that says about our perception of the situation in Iraq.

Hm... Well, I'm going to go play some more Zelda.

Addiction.

2005-12-26T15:23:00.000-08:00

My friends praise me for having one of the least addictive personalities they know. If I start doing something enough that people think I'm beginning to be dependent on it, I stop. I smoked cigarettes on occasion for a while, and stopped when I realized my lungs were suffering too much for it. I've shared one or two in the last several months, but only when I'm around a good friend of my who smokes. I drink and then I don't. I have men and then I don't. Those things are not critical. However, I have one weakness: A good story.

So, I have Netflix now, which is a wonderful thing for me. I decided I'd watch the first disc of the first season of Lost. Well, my mom came to pick me up to come to Yukon, and I went out later that night to get disc two and three. And then the next day to get four and five. Then I got sick and I was working for my father, and I couldn't get disc six. So, I watched an episode from season two on TV, which is a bad idea for this show. The next day my brother brings me disc six (he love me.) But that was it. I really need to see the episodes from season two.

This show, y'all, is so much fun. There is always something you don't know, and some things that you do know, but doesn't help you much because the things you don't know can change what you do know dramatically. It reminds me of the first season of Alias in a lot of way. I just hope it doesn't fizzle out as quickly as Alias.

Regardless, I am now suffering from withdrawl. My solution? 24. Season 4 is out on DVD. I don't want to think of a world where I have no good books, television, or movies. I could not live under such circumstances.

Farwell to History and Communications.

2005-12-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

Well, what can I say about American History from Reconstruction to present? It was a little on the boring side. I had an amazing professor, however, who was kind and genuinely interested in the education of his students. However, the pure quantity of the reading was absurd. I to never have to read that many books in such a short period of time. I also delighted in being in a class of honors students. Such smart and social people.

Communications is terribly ironic. The content of the course curses society for it's rigid determination to make everyone and everything the same. It criticizes schools for creating testing systems that are held under time restrictions and limit creativity. Naturally, this course is taught in the very dull Dale Hall with 200 students and almost no interaction from the students to the teachers. The course is composed of three timed multiple choice exams. The point of the class is well taken. Too bad the professor doesn't get it as well.

One rant, and I'll be done with it.

2005-12-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

Okay.

I'm sick and frickin' tired of reading all the bullshit comments that professors leave on my papers. They don't want me to write well, they want me to write like they write. I used to try to keep up with all their little rules, but I've discovered something: none of know the rules. They make them up as they go. One professor says no italics. One professor says I must use italics. One says I should never be afraid to bring "I" into an essay. One demands that I must take myself out. I hate it! Listen to my damn message! If you are listening, all the shit you would add on no longer matters and suddenly what's important is how I think.

Why I believe.

2005-11-17T12:16:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Zach,

I have read and carefully considered the letter you sent me. This is a very difficult subject. I love and treasure the capacity of the human mind to see something, to study it, and then to make conclusions about it that can be repeated to be proven true or false. The world we live in is understandable; it is hopeful, in that sense. And yet, I have a different hope in God that seems to challenge the hopefulness of human understanding.

Dawkins (I will refer to him so informally, because I could not glean from the information online the degree of his education) begins his letter essentially asking his daughter why she believes the things she's been told. The things he directs this skepticism at originally are matters of the natural world. " How do we know, for instance, that the stars, which look like tiny pinpricks in the sky, are really huge balls of fire like the sun and are very far away? And how do we know that Earth is a smaller ball whirling round one of those stars, the sun?" He precedes to explain the scientific method. He says that there are bad reasons for believing, lists those reasons, and then makes the faulty jump in logic: He goes from explaining why one should believe in science to assuming that same method should be used on religion.

Science is the tool of the natural world. It is taking the tools of man (his mind, his senses, and his ability to create) and finding a way to understand the world around us. It's a wonderful way to bolster the security of our species. We know why we get sick, so we can avoid it. We know why storms come, so we can prepare for them. We know the movement of the earth, to we plant our crops accordingly.

But how does one weigh the spirit? How do you measure God? What device can prove or disprove the existence of another realm? Science is for the natural world and it is just that: for the natural world. I strongly disagree with people who wish to teach intelligent design in biology text books. Why? Because I do not believe it is the position of scientists to make judgments about something "supernatural." It should always be their position to seek to find problems and answers that exist on a physical level. In the same way, I do not believe it is the position of scientists to try to use tools of the physical world to try to explain the spiritual one.

This creates a difficult problem: how do we know, then, what to believe or not believe about the spiritual world? ::sighs:: I don't know.

Okay, okay, I won't be that cheap, but it's not an easy question. Here's a process:

1) Know the world you live in.
2) Create values based on that knowledge.
3) Decide if religion is in congruence with that knowledge.
4) For the most part, never allow your decision in #3 change #1 or #2.

I've studied the world I live in. I've met atheists and Muslims. I've argued with republicans and democrats. I've been lied to and I've lied to others. I've seen science experiments and magic tricks. I have done everything in my power to base my belief in things on evidence.

From this evidence, I've concluded a lot of things. I believe the world is understandable and predictable in many ways. Where it is understandable and predictable, I live my life accordingly. Humans have found an optimal means of living. If you share with your neighbors, you get to benefit from multiple fruits of labor. If you stay committed to your friends when they are in need, you find support when you are in need. If you help those in need, they can be stronger and contribute to society as a whole. Not everyone follows the rules, so we have problems, but the point is that there is a way to live that is beneficial. This is a vastly oversimplified version of all the values I've created with my knowledge of the world, but it gives you a taste of it.

From this knowledge, there are two choices: 1) Believe that all of this is simply the way the universe shook out. Or 2) Believe that all of this is the result of design. Both are beliefs. We would have to be able to operate in a spiritual world in order to disprove 2, but we can't. I have chosen to believe 2. Why? Because I want to.

That's right. It is no more complicated than that. I want to believe that there is a God. I want to believe that this world, that I take comfort in its ability to be understood, was designed so that I can understand it. The Creator of this world made a place for my existence where I could learn how to be happy. And, hopefully, there is a way for me to meet Him. Tradition, authority, and revelation are simply means that the idea of God was communicated to me. I chose the Christian God simply because I believe the teachings are that God are the most harmonious to my observation of the natural world. (I believe it has to be harmonious, because any God who creates a world in contradiction to his nature is malicious. Any god that would design a world for me to live in where I had to be destructive of the only tool that allows me to believe [my conscious mind] to follow him is not the sort of god I want to follow.)

Point #4 is the most controversial. In fact, I would argue that the vast majority of people in my same religion would disagree with me. I can hear their snickering, "Does she seriously expect me to question the will of God?" Well, guys, what is the will of God? Can you corroborate it? I can give you a list of times that men have used "the will of God" to gain personal power. Wars have started this way. Innocence has been lost because of it. Untold numbers of lives have been wasted to false prophets. And there is no way I can tell any of you apart. Don't tell me to lean on the Bible for understanding, because even the word of God can be taken out of context to make any argument you want. Morality should not be a figment of our imagination. Religion shouldn't be dogma set forth in a cute collection of platitudes. When we act in faith, we should do so with some amount of that faith being based in reality. Don't tell me to throw out my mind for God, because it was my mind that lead me to believe in him in the first place.

So, in a way, I agree with Dawkins, or at least my personal interpretation of his last two sentences:

"And, next time somebody tells you that something is true, why not say to them: "What kind of evidence is there for that?" And if they can't give you a good answer, I hope you'll think very carefully before you believe a word they say."

The Journey to Cold.

2005-11-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

It occured to me on my trip to the bus the other day that I love how the trees make a mess of sidewalks during autumn.

Autumn first came when I ordered my first Pumpkin Latté of the season. The flavor of Pumkin spice on my tongue signals my my that fall has come, even if the colors, the cold, and the season itself isn't present. Businesses know when fall will come, and they sell their product accordingly.

Then the trees begin to change. It's no different than any other fall, only I realized this year how rarely it comes. In my life, I have only lived through fall 21 times. I have only seen the trees become red, gold, and orange a few times. Suddenly, it is more precious to me now than ever before.

Do you know the sound of acorns falling to concrete? I's a quick "click" that follows the wind. But they do not break, but lays on the ground waiting for my shoe in causal stride to crush it. So, as I walk, the silence is interupted with the cracking of acorns oand the rustling of fallen leaves.

And there is uncertainty when I awake. Will today be warm or cold. After getting dressed, I step out on the porch to discover if today I will need a jacket or not. Either way I am happy, because there is no fear of it being hot or cold, rather warm or cool.

Finally, do you know the smell of turning the heater on for the first time. Throughout the winter, you can smell it, but you don't notice it because it is like that for months. However, when you turn it on for the first time of the season, you remember: this is the smell of Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.

I like it.

Why I am concerned...

2005-11-09T16:48:00.000-08:00

I just left an OU College Republican meeting, and I am concerned. Rep. Ernest Istook is running from Governor, Lt. Governor Mary Fallin is running for that Congress seat, and State Senator Scott Pruitt is running for Lt. Governor. (Who will be running for his seat will be interesting, because Republicans are trying to take the Senate in Oklahoma.) I've heard Rep. Istook and Lt. Gov. Fallin speak, read polls about Bush's declining approval ratings, watched Miers failure to get nominated, and general unrest about the war in Iraq. All of this spells bad news for the Republicans.

But, perhaps I'm suffering from liberal school syndrome.

Istook - I'm very nervous about how Rep. Istook is using lottery rhetoric. Oklahomans voted, and voted relatively soundly, for a state lottery. I personnaly thought it was a stupid idea, but if I was running for office, now is not the time to be taking an anti-lottery stance. You don't even have to say you don't want a lottery, you can simply take a negative attitude about it, and I think people are going to think, "Hey, this dude got us a lottery. Why should I take him out of office for this other dude that is talkin' down to our choice?"

Fallin - This is the meeting I just walked out of tonight. I'm torn between believing she has the exact personality that Oklahomans love, or if most people are going to see her like I did: grossly uninformed about the state of the nation. Granted, I know that she just entered the race, but I'm stunned at the oversimplicity. She talked about overspending, and then talked about bottles of Saline that were purchased at $8 a bottle rather than $1. Bottles of Saline are not going to solve our spending problems. Especially when she's simultaneously talking about cutting taxes.

And I cringe now that the most marking statement she made about foreing policy is that we need to fight terrorists over there, not here. Then she went on to state that the situation in France is a perfect example of why to need to fight harder. France is a perfect example of why we shouldn't treat our immigrants like shit. There is an element of Islamic radicalism, but this isn't motivated by, "Hey, these people won't fight back; let's kill them." I am just terrified that the people that we are nominating to national office, based on there state and local government experience, are not prepared or properly informed about the international situation ( *coughs* Bush *coughs* .... Okay, okay, I'm not saying Bush was wrong to invade Iraq, I am merely stating that I don't think he was elected based on his foreign policy and I think we are suffering on some level for it.)

So, what about Iraq? ::sighs:: Bush, I love you, sir, but seriously.... There is a seriously lack of communication about what's going on in Iraq. I've not given up on the issue. I really think there is a defensible position that this administration can take. I am concerned why Republicans are not taking this position. You wouldn't lose anything by saying, "Everyone believed there were WMDs, there was merely disagreement about the quantity and whether to attack based on that quantity. We were proved wrong only when we invaded; there was no other way to know. Saddam Hussein was doing everything in his power to prevent inspectors from proving he held up his end of the agreement. By his actions alone, we have reason to believe he is hiding something, or hiding nothing long enough until the opportunity to hide something comes along. Saddam Hussein has a history with the U.S. and with using chemical weapons on his own people. Beyond that, what happens when this weak leader dies or is removed from power and a newer, younger, strong tyrant takes over? No, there were not significant connections between Al Qaeda and Iraq, but Iraq has been connected with other forms of terrorism. Besides all of that, we have taken a supressed people and given them freedom. We have a wonderful opportunity to encourage a more democratic form of government in the middle east. We have not held our end of the bargin with Iraqis in the past, and now is certainly not the time to let them down." This is not happening. Why is this administration afraid of saying this?

I'm a Republican. My list of similar stances is narrowing, but I am still a Republican. I will vote Republican. I will probably help Istook and Fallin campaign, and do so with the upmost respect for their positions. However, I think Republicans need to be very cautious in taking comfort in thier position of power and not seriously address the grievous concerns. We claim to be for small government: What's with all the spending? Where's the explaination about Iraq? I don't think the CIA leak scandal would be half as big a deal if we would be forecoming about Iraq. People feel talked down to and deceived. And it is gunna hurt a frikkin' lot in 2006 if we don't deal with this now.

But, like I said, maybe I'm just suffering from the liberalness of my surroundings.

Sometimes...

2005-11-07T14:53:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I've had a couple of responses to my last post, and now I'm passionately interested in writing a more lengthy opinion of the situation. But, I will not. Why? Because I have a midterm tomorrow over varying paces of time in differing cultures, a test over "Death of a Salesman," and a page long response about music in Afghanistan. I have a mass of thoughts moving around in my head, but I can't make any sense of them because I do not have time to write them down. Sometimes I think that my classes are getting in the way of my thinking. Or maybe that is the talent of the modern man: To make a sane thought without having the time to think about it.

What!?!

2005-11-07T10:16:00.000-08:00

Does anyone know what the hell is going on in France?

The Most Important Wars in U.S. History.

2005-11-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

We were talking about U.S. wars today in my History class and I had a slight disagreement with my professor. I would like to see what you all think:

If you were to name 4 U.S. wars that were the most influential on U.S. history what would they be? (Influenctial politically, socially, etc. Think in the long term, what will be important 50 years from now, not just today. The Cold War is excluded, as it was not an actual war.) Explain why, and rank them if you can.

And, if you'd like, if you were to name the 3 most important things (can be a movement, a person, a policy, etc) in U.S. history from 1945 to 1992, what would they be? Explain why, and rank them if you can.

I'm a Republican. I'm allowed to think this is funny.

2005-10-28T09:47:00.000-07:00

An old friend of mine had this posted on his blog and I thought it was funny:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. At the end he concludes, "Finally, yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"OH DEAR GOD, NO!" the President exclaims. "That's horrible." The President's staff sits stunned at the display of emotion, nervously watching the President sit with his head in his hands.

Finally, the President looks up, devestated, and asks, "How many is a Brazillion?"

Blessings in Disguise.

2005-10-27T14:48:00.000-07:00

I have found that the loss of my car has been a pleasant experience. I happily told my manager I would no longer be able to work at El Chico because I have no means of getting there. And without a job, I'm remembering this pleasant concept: A weekend. ::smiles::

Now, this week has been busy because I'm trying to return to my correct position of Hermione in all of my classes. With a job, all my activities, and friends, my school was beginning to hurt. I feel a little on top of things now. What will I do?

Well, I have some business on here to get done...

1) Zach has inquired more about my position on my I believe in a God. My response on atheism is forthcoming.
2) A stranger e-mailed me to ask how a Christian could be an objectivist. He knows someones who uses objectivism to bash Christianity. This might be conveniently wrapped up with the atheism response. I'm not sure yet.
3) Have you ever eaten at Victoria's Pasta Shop in Norman? Oh my God, it is amazing! Wait, this has nothing to do with my list.
4) Are we done with Iraq, my friends? I've been taking a class about it, and I'm curious if you would like to discuss this as well.
5) There is a student in my Economics class that came across my blog. I'm a very polite and discreet person in public, and I was slightly shocked that he suddenly mentioned my views on objectivism in a very public place. But he said that he liked the discussion we had. I do wish he would elaborate what it is about this conversation that was better than others before.
6) I need to finish the "One Day" story.

Maybe I'll start reading those books my mother gave me. Maybe I'll read the Goblet of Fire again before I see the movie. Maybe I'll work on that story that Josh kept begging me to let him read. Maybe I'll buy a bike. Maybe I'll finish that book that Andrew lent me. Maybe I'll take some more pictures. Maybe...

My mind is cleared of men, work, alcohol, and drugs. The world is so bright.

But maybe it's just because it's a nice day outside.

Yeah, so my last 24 hours sucked ass.

2005-10-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

It was around this time yesterday that I made my way to work. I have been sick the last few days and called my manager to see if he needed me. He said that he did and so I went into work with Asprin in hand. After an hour, he found a way to send me home. I was planning on going to my parents house to eat dinner with my aunt, uncle, and cousins, so I decided I would skip Friday's only class (French, which I'm getting a Super 'A' in anyway) and go straight to my parents house. This way if I started feeling worse, my mom could take us to my doctor.

Well, my car has been having problems. At the corner outside of the Mustang Wal-Mart, it died on my. The transmission finally gave way. I stood in the cold, still not feel very well, waiting for my parents to come and pick me up. I know how much it costs to fix a transmission. I'm planning on not working next semester and spending it knocking out a few last courses before I leave the country. I'm going to Turkey in July and then I'll be in France until the Summer of '07. To invest in a new car now would be foolishness.

There are really only two things I use my car for. Getting to work and getting to my parents house. I walk or take the bus to school. Without the car, my parents can plan on coming to get us to visit them. But my job? Yeah, I can't get there without a car. Well, I could take a bus there if I leave and hour and a half early. ::laughs:: So, I get to tell my manager tomorrow that he is losing a worker.

Beyond that, my brother just started working there and as we share the same car, he's out of a job as well. Neither of us have to work, but we'd rather have a little income.

Then this morning my cat crawled up on my lap. While I was petting her, I noticed some weird slimy substance on the side of her head. She gets into fights a lot and there was an open wound that had become infected. The wound wasn't there last night when she went out. It was oozing blood and puss. We called my Aunt who works at a Veternarian's office and she told us that I would be at least a couple hundred dollars to treat her and there was no guarantee that she would get better. She's been sick a lot lately, throwing up a lot and defecating on my father's motor cycle. So, after talking with my dad, my mom and I took her to the vet and we had to put her to sleep. I can't express how painful this is. She trusted me so much. I just wrapped her in a towel on the way to the vet. She normal complains in the car and every trip I would always say, "It's okay, it's gunna be fine." But this time I couldn't. I just held her while I cried, listened to her desparate meows, realized this trip we were going to kill her.

My only thought was that if I had not been at home, my mother would have discovered the injury and she would have taken Reta (my cat). And if that had happened, perhaps the distance between me and my cat would have made it easier. But I had to hold her and it was at my command that they took her away. I know it was the right decision, but it doesn't change the fact that I held my cat this morning alive and now she is dead.

I've had better days.

Loneliness.

2005-10-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

My communication class in Non-Western culture has been interesting because it makes me acutely aware of the assumptions accepted in all of my western classes. In my American History class, we discussed "Babbitt" today and my professor was discussing how the classic storyline in the book was that men will do anything to be a part of the group. Ultimately, men are afraid to be the only one left out. He then concluded, "A great lesson in life is that it's okay to be lonely."

The certainty in which he made that final judgment astounded me. How does he know that is true? I instantaneously thought of my Comm course where my professor said, "Western society enjoys the benefits of individual freedom, progress, open debate, and so forth, but we suffer from loneliness." Every Western hero has abandoned large portions of the surrounding society, at the risk of losing every one of their friends and family, to pursue and idea or abstract goal. From Jesus to Henry Thoreau, these men and women abandoned societal norms, rebeled, and withdrew from "good society." We tolerate this behavior, because we believe people will be successful on their own merits. If they are right, they will reap the benefits. If they are wrong, well, they'll suffer the consequences. And we are sure that they suffer the consequences. You're on your own. You're alone, sucker. There is a reason why suicide is so prevalent in western society.

In Eastern culture, there is more acceptance of conformity and rebellion is seriously questioned. However, there is a much wider spread of support from each person. There is always your family, your extended family, your friends, their families, the family you didn't even know about, and so on there to help you. Just don't question anything and anyone and you will always have friends. In my History and Society in Iraq course, my professor has been trying to convey the concept of Assabiyya (which can be spelled many ways), but he can't fully communicate it. It's a community system, made up of friends and family, that exhists in Iraq to protect each other.

I believe in my values, my political beliefs, my religious beliefs, etc. just as strongely as any other westerner. I've lost friends and scared off potential friends for them enough to make me cry. At some point we find a balance. There has to be. At some point I do not concern myself with the fact that my mother believes so strongly in creation and I believe to strongly in evolution. One of my friends is certain that women should always submit to men, and another is so certain that men are too stupid to make any independent decision. I smile discreet, express my opinion clearly, and refuse to become emotional about it. Last night my friend said, "It's so funny to watch you talk, Jesi, because when you start off, you have this pleasant look on your face and then say, 'Yes, but this is why they're evil...'" I enjoy my ideas, but they have a place in the world, and frequently their value is below the value of my friends.

So which is better? To be lonely or not to be lonely? My professor was so sure, but I'm not sure I would agree with him that the answer is clearly to be lonely.

Understanding Tips.

2005-10-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

Waiting tables has been an educational experience. I'm trying not to become too jaded by it, but I find myself becoming increasing discriminatory the longer I'm a waitress.

Leaving tips is a tricky issue. Generally, I would say 10% for bad service, 15% for fair service, and 20% (or more, if you are someone who wants to make their day... how? leave an extra dollar. If you have a $30 tab and I gave you great service, if you leave me $7, I'm ecstatic. $1 for you isn't a big deal, but for me, it adds up over time) for good service. But I give a few caveats to this concept.

1) If you are a pissy ass bitch, please leave more. When you are demanding and then you leave a shitty tip, I guarantee you will not have a pleasant experience if you ever return to that restaurant.

2) If your children make a mess of my section, scream at me, or find some other creative way of making my life a nightmare, you had better leave me a better tip. I can't tell you how many times I wish we would gas all the children in the world because a family of 5 comes in, the parents share a cheap entree and order all the kids 99 cent meals and leave me a two dollar tip. If 5 adults come in, it takes me half the time to clean up afterwards, takes less of my patience waiting on them, and they'll probably tip me $10 on the whole table.

3) Parents, you need to teach your children how to tip before you allow them to walk around by themselves. I don't want to talk about how many 12 year olds have walked into El Chico from the mall and said, "Oh, we just want the chips and queso." They are so shocked that we charge for that and then they magically forget to tip me.

4) If you use a coupon, tip based on the amount before the coupon. If you order $50 of food, that is $50 of work for me. Just because you are only being charged for part of that does not mean I worked any less. If you ge 50% off $50, your ticket may only be 25%, but I gave you great service, it's reasonable to expect a $10 tip.

5) If you come in by yourself for dinner (at lunch we expect 1 or 2 people to a table) and you order on $10 worth of food (or less) it is not acceptable to leave a $1-$2 tip. My average tab at dinner is $35. As long as you and your single self are sitting at my table that could hold 4, I cannot serve anyone else. So, were I could easily make $5 or $6 at this table, and you only leave me $2, that it not cool. $2 for bad service, $3 for fair service, and $3.50 or more for good service MINIMUM!

6) If you decide you are going to camp out at one of my tables (eat and stay for 30 or more after you've finished), you had better compensate for it. While you're sitting at that table, I cannot help anyone else. I would say a $1 for each addition half an hour you sit there, because if you're table was clear, I could make another $3-$6 in that half an hour, easy.

7) Watch the restaurant. If the whole place is packed, it's not bad service if it takes a little longer on your food or a little longer on your drinks. In fact, if you're getting everything out exactly on time and they are busy, I would say your server is slackin' some place else, making the other wait staffs' job miserable. When it busy, be patient.

8) If you have bad service, say something about it. Leaving a bad tip doesn't mean I'll know your were dissatisfied. I may just think you're a dumb ass. Frequently, it's not the server's fault! And complaining usualy gets you something: free dessert, replaced meals, etc. Usually it's just that the server is new, managements new, side staff (like bussers, hostesses, chippers, etc) are not keeping up, there was an accident in the kitchen, or that the server is dumb, but no one was bold enough to tell management.

So there you go.

Not Another Soda Pop Incident!

2005-10-07T10:49:00.000-07:00

I try to respect the serious nature of law enforcement dealing with terrorist threats, but I just jumped on CNN. This is the headline: Penn Station back to normal after soda scare. ... hehe... Everyone, have no fear! The NYPD is out there protecting us from soda.

Hm... I need to find better things to do with my time.

One Day. - Part IV

2005-10-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

I waited in that house the hour he asked me. But within that hour, my mind raced for an eternity. The desire to belong somewhere was holding me to this tiny town. Ambition, however, was driving me out of it. At the end of eternity, I decided I would find "the center of the world" and my journey their would determine if I could ignore the visitor in the hotel and stay with Andey.

I checked my watch confident that an hour had passed and began walking down the streets of the town. I had grown up in a city and had no knowledge of small town life. It mystified me. Everything was empty, even in the middle of the afternoon. I could literally stand in the middle of the street, take a picture of an old street post in the center of the road, and no one knew.

It was beautiful, just as Andey had promised. But beauty can be silent, lonely, and unwelcoming. Every corner I turned, the buildings cried out for me to heal the years of negligence.

And then I saw it. The center of the world.

One Day. - Part III

2005-09-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Darkness enveloped me as I walked into the abandoned hotel. Bursts of light from the sun outside shot through holes in the wall and randomly illuminated insignificant corners. But we moved into the building where the sun could not pierce the air. When the blackness was complete, I was able to see. Figures, ghosts they must have been, moved through the halls in the hotel with the glorious spirit of wealth that had diminished long ago. I gasped and reached for my camera, but Andey laughed at me.

"They will not be captured on film," he said softly, reaching for my hand and holding it. For hours, we sat in the ruined hotel and watched the spirits move about in bygone activity. At length, a figure approached us. He was holding a flashlight pointed directly at us, leaving his face annonymous.
"You do not belong here," the figure said. I nodded my head, but before I could speak, Andey grabbed my hand and ran. He burst through the window and dragged me down the fire escape of the hotel.

"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Didn't you hear the policeman?" he replied incredulously. I frowned and followed his haste, but silently considered the visitor who was not who Andey thought he was. He explained to me, as we ran, that he did not want me to get in trouble for trespassing. So, he hid me in a small building and said, "Meet me at the center of the world in one hour."

What is the "real world?"

2005-09-18T14:47:00.000-07:00

If you haven't had a chance to look over the fabulous dicussions from my opinions on Ray Nagin, you should; it's interesting, to say the least. People have been arguing against my statements by saying that I do not have enough education, experience, or first hand knowledge to have a "valuable opinion." I will call it the "You haven't been in the 'real world'" argument. I'm curious, though, what is everyone's opinion of the "real world?" What is it? How do you become a part of it?

And this one, his name is Hurricane.

2005-09-13T08:43:00.000-07:00

My uncle is stationed in Louisianna. I'm not exactly sure what his specific duties are. This is irrelevent to the story at hand. This dog starts following him around; that's what's relevent. My uncle digs dogs and is amused by him. At some point, someone comes up to him and asks if he knows the story behind the dog. My uncle says no and asks him to elaborate. Well, this guy explains that they had been doing rescue in a flooded area and found an old man, a woman, and this dog in a tree. They try to get the two people into the boat, but the old man stops them and says, "We need to get the dog." They tried to explain to him that they were trying to save people and there wasn't enough room for the dog, but the man would have none of it. He said if they didn't take the dog, they might as well move on, because he would not get into a boat. So, they resigned and broughtthe dog on the boat. Well, the old man did not survive, and the woman was completely unrelated, so they were stuck with the dog. They sort of just set him loose hoping that someone would take care of him. And that's how he found his way to my uncle. My aunt went down there for a while and when she returned, the dog came with her. Welcome to Oklahoma, Hurricane.

Faustas. His name is Faustas.

2005-09-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

The orange cat returned, except this time he was wearing a collar. He has a name. He chilled on the couch with Andey and me last night while we watched "The Princess Bride."

I walked out of the mall last night and the sun was shining brightly. I walked out from the protection of mall canope to discover it was raining. I love the juxtaposition of the two.

There are two exits off of South Bound 1-35 to get onto Main St. There is a yield sign there to allow traffic getting on the highway to continue on. I hate the people who yield to the people who should be the ones doing the yielding. God will punish them some day. He'll probably punish me first for have written that sentence.

I think limes are fantastic.

I watched Meet the Press yesterday. The mayor of New Orleans was on. I sat with smug satisfaction as Tim Russert appropriately humiliated him. Something to the effect of:

Russert: We've all seen the pictures of hundreds of school busses just sitting in water. Why weren't these busses used for transporting people out of the city?
Mayor: We didn't have drivers.
Russert: But does it state in (quoting law) that you are supposed to provide drivers to transport people to safer areas?
Mayor: Well, um, uh, um, uh, hm.
((Jesi is taking liberties with this paraphrasing))
Russert: Why didn't you supply the Superdome before the storm hit?
Mayor: I told people to bring non-perishable food. I thought that'd be enough.
Russert: So, told people to come to that location and only provided running water because you thought people would bring their own supplies?
Mayor: Well, yes, sure, why not?
Russert: You said (then quotes mayor's radio address) about the President. Do you still hold this opinion?
Mayor: Well, I had a chance to talk to the President, and I see that's not the case at all.

::smirks:: Hehe.

So, what did we learn today? The cat's name is Faustas. Rain and sunshine at the same time is good. Yielding when you aren't supposed to be yielding is bad. Limes are fantastic. And, finally, if you are local government, don't cuss out the President when Tim Russert can put you on national television and point out everything you did wrong.

One Day. - Part II

2005-09-11T07:46:00.000-07:00

We drove for miles and at length it came. We pulled into the small town and he began walking me decisively towards the Franklin Hotel. He explained that one time the industry in the area made this hotel a fine central meeting point for businessmen. When the industry collapsed, so did the hotel's business. It still stands, but only as a faded memory of it's greatness.

We walked around together and I tried to take a few pictures from the outside, but the was only so much to see. He lead me into a door on the side of the building.

One Day. - Part I

2005-09-10T17:43:00.000-07:00

I was walking down an endless road one day. I carried only my camera. I had no destination. There was no where to go, no means to get there, and no reason to go.

This day, though, was different than the others. A gray Volvo stopped beside me. The young driver rolled down his window.
"Hi," he said. I smiled a returned the greeting. He was not the first to stop on my journey. Everytime they asked if I needed help. Every time I asked them, "How can you help me?" They would offer me rides home, food, money, water, but I always responded, "How does that help me?" Frustrated, they would drive on, and I kept walking. But Andey did not say this. He responded, "I can give you beauty." I was silent, so he continued, "You need to see Mangum, Oklahoma."

Ma Mère et Katrina.

2005-09-08T20:16:00.000-07:00

If you have not yet taken the time to read my mother's blog, do so. It's a beautiful and thoughtful blog. She wrote a wonderful couple of posts about Katrina and the situation in Lousianna:

Link to the full blog: Wine, Travel and Musings
Link to post about Katrina: Questions

Leave a comment or two. She's a newbie and deserves a little encouragement.

Emperorship of Penguins!

2005-09-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

I almost don't want to write anything else. That is the coolest frickin' term I've heard all week.

Okay, okay, I tell you the story behind it. I'm taking one of the most boring course on the face of the Earth and I spend most of my concentration focusing on staying awake rather than the content of the professor's lectures. And suddenly, in the midst of his lecture, he stated, "Emperorship of Penguins." It had something to do with what defines a state, and how Antartica doesn't have a state unless you count animals. Maybe an "Emperorship of Penguins." But that's not important. It makes me happy. I have it written in bold letters on the front of my notebook. Just try saying it sometime this week when things seem to be a little to serious and dull. I hope it makes you as happy as it makes me.

_________

What the water wants is hurricanes
And sailboats to ride on it's back
What the water wants is sunkiss
And land to run into and back

Burns a hole in my chest!

2005-09-02T07:40:00.000-07:00

I'm someone who believes that sympathy needs to be balanced with reason. I'm horrified and saddened about the tragedy from Hurricane Katrina. However, I'm blazingly angry about the way the media and some officials are behaving at this point. Did you hear the Mayor of New Orleans? What a flippin' moron! Most people believe that this Hurricane will be considerably more damaging in the long run as compared to Andrew. He starts cussing on a radio address and saying how "G*damned pissed" he is at the Bush administration. What the hell does he expect? Does he really believe that the federal government should stop all bus systems in the entire US to come to Louisianna? Why not stop the entire economy for them! He has the gall to explain it as his frustration about the looters saying that instead dealing with the looters, we're rescuing people. ::pauses for effect:: Uh, yeah! Somehow, I'm thinking let's save the people first and if things get stolen, things get stolen. And here's CNN posting this as the first thing on the page and right under it saying that Bush states, "Not acceptable." Well, of course he's going to say more needs to be done! What is he going to say? "Oh, no, we're happy that millions of people are without electricity, that people are wading through dead bodies, and people are standing up to their chins in water in their attics." Sorry, but I would like to remind New Orleans that they chose to live in a bowl on the side of the ocean. If you live in an area that can get hurricanes, don't you dare get pissed off at the rest of the world about it! My God, selfish little... ::sighs heatedly::

In contrast, I was so happy yesterday when I learned how America was responding. Public schools around the nation are opening their doors to children from affected areas so they can go to school. Houston opened the Astrodome to help house the people who are going to be without their homes for an indefininate period of time. Both my uncle and my cousin have been deployed. Europe has already stood up and said, "How much do you need?" This is the world that I choose to live in. It is a world with disasters and that is imperfect, but where people genuinely want to help other people. It saddens me to think how many people do not live in this world. They live in a world where politics is always more important than cooperation. I hope at some point in their life, they learn the foolishness of their decision.

Where did this strange woman come from?

2005-08-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to announce that my mother has recently started blogging. If you get a chance, you should stop by and read it.

winetravelandmusings.blogspot.com

Okay, this is funny.

2005-08-26T12:33:00.000-07:00

So, I have poison ivy. I got hooked up to talk with a nurse about it, 'cause it's getting worse. I never post crap like this on my blog, because I don't have the time to go from web site to web site looking for this stuff. But, waiting for my appointment on campus, I had some time. I hope you enjoy.

http://www.unionleader.com/articles_showa.html?article=59609

What is philosophy?

2005-08-25T13:31:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a fantastic communications course this semester and in order to better understand the subject I am learning, my professor has been reviewing western culture. He reminded everyone in class today that a philosophy is not a doctrine. That is that a philosophy is not a set of rules that one must follow. Rather, he explained, philosophy is a way of thinking. What a fantastically important distinction! This is how Ayn Rand and I may have the same philosophy, but she may complete disagree with my personal doctrine. Western philosophy is a way of thinking that believes in the power of argumentation, reason, equality, and individualism. Because this philosophy is so individualistic, it's hard to pinpoint a (or even a few) western doctrine(s). There is some, but it's usually, "Let everyone else alone!" Not that this should surprise anyone, but I've suddenly been reminded how much I love western culture.

Without a doubt, Eastern Orthodoxy is at risk in my life.

My site was recently nominated "Best Culture" by the Okie Doke blog group. I was honored in one way, but on the opposite end, I asked myself, "What the hell does it mean to be 'best culture?'" In my same COMM course, my professor defined culture today. He explained that it naturally flows from the same roots as "cult." What cult do you belong to? Culture is the things around you that make you a part of everyone around you--that which "enculcates" you. I never thought my site would be best at representing a collectivist ideal, but there it is.

Let's say it all together: We are all individuals.

::sighs::

MUST HAVE GIRL-FIT SHIRTS!!!

2005-08-24T16:27:00.000-07:00

I worked for the Republican booth today and naturally purchased one of our club shirts to wear while working there. I have a petite torso and I put on a small and it comes halfway down my thighs. I've been trying to explain to my dear OU Republican chair that we need to see girl-fit shirts. Not just for me, but for women all around. Boys' shirts are boxy and look horrible on the feminine figure. It's a sad thing to see.

The Star Wars gods are looking out for me.

2005-08-23T15:19:00.000-07:00

I'm amused at this moment, because on my way up to my apartment, a orange cat followed me right up my steps and helped himself into my apartment. He seemed clean and friendly enough, so I gave him a bowl of water and watched him explore my apartment. Now he's rolling over on the couch with me begging for affection. He clearly just needed some water and a cool place to take a nap. I think he needs a name. If he returns, I should have something to call him. Any suggestions?

I'm taking U.S. History this semester and one of our assignments is to write an essay about a certain year in history. We randomly drew year out of a bag. I got 1977. Nothing can make a Star Wars fan more ecstatic than that right there. I'm not sure how that's going to make it into my essay, but it will.

The Smell of Activity and Cadavra.

2005-08-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

I love school. I'll never be able to leave. On Sunday night, I went to my first meeting at the Union. I walked in and the smell hit me immediately. There are two smells to the Union. One if you walk in on the Crossroads side smells like food. You know: the quick smoothie and a bagel before class. That's important, but the smell on the opposite end of the Union smells like organizations and activity. That's where are the rooms are for meetings. It's smells like Oklahoma Intercollegiate Legislature, OU College Republicans, Gamma Beta Phi, Alpha Lambda Delta, College Libertarians, and oh so much more. That's something I did not realize I had missed over the summer. But when I smelled it last night, it made me giddy. Busyness has arrived and I am reveling in it.

Also, as an addition and seemingly random note, if you have not heard of "The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra," please step away from the computer and go rent this fantastic film. The last several days I've heard friends of mine talking about it and I realized that I have not mentioned this movie before on my blog. This is without a doubt one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. It was made in 2001 and it is a black and white parody of 1950s horror/sci fi films. If you get a chance to watch it, watch it with friends who like to laugh and are not afraid of stupid comedies. It has The Princess Bride/Spaceballs quality to it. Let me know what you think, too.

"The Deep Breath Before the Plunge"

2005-08-19T08:26:00.000-07:00

I have been absent from my posting, and I apologize to those who love responding to me. School starts on Monday and I took Summer courses, so I've taken these couple of weeks in between to relax. And it has been relaxing. I'm taking 15 hours, with two of my classes being honors courses, officer in 3 clubs, participating in like 5 or 6 other clubs, and I'll be working 15-20 hours a week. Busy, busy, busy. However, I hope my activities will give me plenty to write about.

It's so strange living in Norman at the beginning of the fall. I was not here last year, but it is crazy. If you wish to get to campus, you cannot! There is a permanent traffic jam at Lindsey and Asp. I'm essentially an upper classman, now, and it's very different viewing college as someone on the way out. It makes me happy, however, because I have lingered long enough trying to get a degree. I want to get right into the real world as quickly as possible.

Thanks to everyone who made my summer so fine. It's been lovely.

Des Couleurs

Tu es la couleur d'un rêve,
Tu te tiens dans la prairie verte jaune,
Tu tiens les lys blanc austères du sable.
Le rêve est la couleur rouge du soleil final,
Et tes yeux égalent la couleur le ciel utilise coucher le soleil.
Cette couleur m'enivre.
Je n'ai pas besoin d'autre substance.

- Mon Copain.

Merci.

Surreal

2005-08-07T00:28:00.000-07:00

It was a very average night with Andey. I called him as he was driving home from work and told him that I would not be able to see him tonight. He drove home to find me waiting on the porch. It was a short deception that yielded a nice surprise for him. We hung out, talked about Interpol and Longfellow. At a late hour, I told him I needed to go home. What 3 hours had made the night normal would not compensate for the next 5 minutes that made the evening surreal.

When we stepped outside, there was a police car parked in front of Andey's house. Slightly down the way there was another police car and two police officers talking. We get inside the car and make our way back to my apartment. Not two blocks from his house, we see a bunch of cars lining a narrow residential street. As we're driving, Andey sees his brother. There is no room for him to pull out of the street, but he wants to say, "Hello." I'm very tired and it immediately becomes difficult to concentrate on the conversation between Andey and his brother. Something about the Red Sox. I sort of stare out the front window at the street in front of me. We are stopped in the middle of the street about halfway down a block in a neighborhood. At the end of the block, I see a car speed around a corner and plow through yard and stright into a white Ford Taurus. It happened so suddenly, that I had difficultly grasping the situation.

The speed and the angle that the vehicle hit showed that this could not have been a substance free accident. Billows of smoke or dust from the crash sort of lingered around the white Taurus, but from behind that car I begin to see headlights. The speeding car was moving and now looking for a quick escape--an escape that would lead naturally to us. I start gently hitting Andey's arm and say, "Dear, you need to move. You need to move, like, right now! We need to move!" Sure as my expectation, this black demon twisted from the first impact comes barreling down the street directly for us. We were not stopped in the middle of the road for no reason. The lines of cars parked for partying did not leave room for us to just pull aside. There was only room for a single car to drive through. With the maniac in front of us, Andey responds, "Yeah" to my frantic commands and throws the car into reverse. He is able to pull back far enough that there is room to the right of us if the other car wished to drive by. Our hopes of remaining safe depended on whether this car would slow down enough to pass to the left. Having seen the wrecked vehicle bump into other cars on its way, this was not a promising prospect. And so there it was, the black shape of a vehicle, with headlights pointed directly at me. It turned. It turned.

In the moment of my relief, I though maybe I should turn to get the tag number. But, as I turned, I saw the man in the passenger window waving his arms outside of the window. My window was open. If I had reached out my hand, I could have touched him. I shivered and pulled my body away from the concept of such closeness to something that not three seconds ago terrified me. I threw my books I was carrying with me to the floor and jumped out of the vehicle that had trapped me in front of that fiend. We ran to the street corner to see where he went. Why? I wanted to leave. Go home. Sleep. A girl with a tape recorder ran around asking questions. A young woman replies to the question, "What did you think about the crash" with "I just can't believe that guy threw his car in reverse and backed through all those cars. That was fucking amazing." I want to leave. Why are we talking? Let's go home.

And I stand there watching the social nature of people talking about an accident. They want to tell you what they saw. They want you to tell them what you saw. I do not care. It just occured to me that the choice to leave at the time we did, the choice to yell at Andey's brother from the car, which kept us in the middle of the street, put us in danger of being hit. The choice to tell him to move, the choice to put the car in reverse, and then the choice of the other driver to turn to miss us made the danger disappear. But I still stood there afraid. Let's go home.

Homosexuality.

2005-08-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

I enjoy philosophical/religious debates, but let's do delve into something more specific. I've had a strange year. Being on a college campus exposes you to the far left end of the political spectrum, and I would have to say that by the end of the Fall semester 2004, I was leaning towards the side of supporting gay marriage. This usually surprises people, because I am known as the "conservative one." Since then, my best friend came out of the closet and my social group has included more gay men.

Tonight I hung out with my best friend and we spent some time talking about why it was that I enjoyed talking about politics with my boyfriend, who is highly liberal. When Andey and I first started seeing each other, we would have conversations that lasted for hours over politics, despite my belief that this would drive any interest right out the door. Instead, it made the conversation far more interesting. I told my best friend that when it came to politics, perhaps having the opposite viewpoints is something beneficial because it's not as if liberals and conservatives have different values. Most humans support the concepts of freedom, equality, and so on. We just have different ideas of how to achieve the ideal of those values. So, if two people meet and talk about those values, the different perspectives on how to achieve them do not create conflict, but contribute to more stimulating discussion.

Joel, my best friend, thought that gay marriage was an exception to this concept. I understand this in some ways because anyone who talks to me about gay rights thinks I'm highly liberal. I still waver on this issue anyway. There was an election in Oklahoma making gay marriage illegal, and I voted against the measure because it forbade anyone from giving the priveleges of marriage to any other form of partnership. This worked against heterosexual partnerships, and disallowed private organizations from being able recognize homosexual partnerships of their own volition. But do I think gay marriage is a good idea? I'm not entirely sure.

Thought for the night. I'm so grateful to everyone for contributing to discussion on my last few posts. I would really love to keep up this sort of discourse for a while.

----

Two cigarettes, a beer
Chitchat with a friend.
The voice over the phone
whose lips I want here.

An Objectivist Christian is Not a Contradiction

2005-07-29T19:46:00.000-07:00

I reread some comments today made by Loxley, Hegel, John Galt, Pooh, and others, but today I decided to respond to the comments made by Hegel and Galt about how Christianity can work in accordance with objectivism. You may not understand this post unless you first read the comments from my post in April: Problems with Objectivism

First off, the truth is multifaceted. This is not to imply that the truth is relative, but rather that the truth has many aspects to it. The sky is blue. The sky is also white, grey, black, and yellow. If it is raining and I say the sky is blue, then I am lying. If it is sunny and I say the sky is gray, I am also lying. And if the sky is blue, but has clouds, than from the ground the sky is both blue and white. Does that mean that the truth is relative? Absolutely not. There is a clear truth visible: the sky is a certain color depending on what time of day it is, whether their is a storm system, or if there are any other objects in the sky.

I absolutely believe that the Bible is the truth. I do not, however, believe that the Bible is the whole truth. The Bible does not state that my shirt has the words "Star Wars" written on it right now. That does not mean that it is untrue that my shirt has the words "Star Wars" written on it nor does it mean that the Bible is a failure for representing the truth because it does not state the truth that my shirt does in fact, at this moment, say “Star Wars” on it. This is a rather trivial example. A more important one may be this: The Bible states that I am supposed to give to the poor. However, the Bible also states, “If anyone will not work, neither let him eat.” Is the first argument a support for welfare? Is the second argument mean that I should not give out food without demanding that that person should work somehow? The Bible is a foundation of understanding the truth, but ultimately we must use that foundation to discover the whole truth through living. This discovery is what led me to Ayn Rand.

When I began reading Atlas Shrugged, I was in a period of frustration with the church. I did not believe that the values of the church were the values I saw in the Bible. I always believed that God existed. I believe that that one God is the Father and that he sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for our sins. For much of my childhood, I believed this fact because of personal emotional feelings about this matter or apologetic evidence that frequently turned out to be unsupportable against other scientific evidence. There was a sort of crisis at this time for me. Was my concept of the Bible wrong or were the concepts of the Bible held by the church wrong?

At the time, I had been studying political philosophy and had grown attached to the concept of natural law. Rather than just picking a political ideology, natural law demanded that one study the nature of the world and then determine what law structure works best with nature. It's such an amazingly effective tool for understanding politics. Communism, for example, does not work because it denies the reality of the nature of men. It assumes that the Bourgeois are the only ones who desire power. In reality, when absolute power is available, corrupt men always find a way to fill this position - poor and rich men alike. Once you understand the nature of men, you can start creating a political philosophy that functions around that idea. If when absolute power is made available, bad men will naturally take over, then do not make absolute power available. You repeat this process to ever aspect of the political system, and you find the system of government that you want. This is wonderful, because when people begin using the label of a political system to support an idea (i.e. a democratic leader saying the only way to secure democracy is by giving this leader absolute power) one can refer back to the nature of the world and the origins of the political system to recognize that idea is flawed.

This seemed like a terribly fantastic thing to also apply to religion. There was a contradiction in the Christianity that I believed in and the Christianity I saw all around me. So, I decided to take the argument down to the very foundations of how I saw the natural world and how that made me believe in God ("Check your premises" -Ayn Rand). If there is a God, then the world He created must be a reflection of how He expects me to live. If it is not, and the whole thing is a great deception, then either God does not exist or he is not any sort of God I wish to follow. The concept of the world I agreed must strongly with was the objectivist idea and it is as follows:

Man's first issue is to survive. A human must breath, eat, and drink first before he can make any decisions. Life is the highest value for any human. How can a human make good choices unless they are alive? That is not to say that choosing to die is a bad choice, it simply means that one must be alive long enough to find out what are good choices. Living, however, is a volitional issue. Every person chooses to eat and drink. Every person has the capacity to not eat and drink. In order to eat and drink, a person has to exercise their mind to achieve this. We have to learn what liquids we can drink (i.e. water) and how to find liquids that are safe for our bodies (i.e. clean water). We have to practice a life that gets food. In the modern world, one has to work to contribute to an economy that shuffles money around so that man can purchase food. Survival, in this terribly oversimplified paragraph, is something secured by rationality. Exercising our minds is the only way we live.

This is a happy thought, indeed. Rationality is a process anyone can do. It implies that a person is capable of thinking within himself exactly what is necessary to do to live. However, it gets really complicated when lots of minds become involved. If another man tells you to do something, but rationally you see no reason for doing it, should you trust his rationality or your own? This is where egoism comes into play. Some men have discovered that manipulating other men into not thinking for themselves can be an easy way to gain things without having to do the work himself. This is not rational behavior because it encourages men to not provide for society, but to mooch off of others. But if no one provides, then everyone will die. Rather than forcing other people to do you work, it is much more rational to do the work yourself. If every man provides for himself, there is no problem. This does not mean that some mean will not try to undermine the whole of society for their own irrational interests. But as men cannot read each other's minds, the only way to protect from being mooched off of from another man is to be dependent entirely on your own rationality. If another man provides rational evidence to gain your support, you can join him, as long as you are still judging evidence through your own rationality rather than depending on the rationality of others.

There are other founding ideas that develop important concepts for other aspects of life, but these three ideas--life, rationality, and egoism--are the reasons I believe in the Christian God and are means for me to better interpret the concepts of Christianity.

First, God created humans to desire life. He wanted humans to want to live on Earth. That means that on some level He wanted humans to define their standards of life simply for the sake of living. God, therefore, is benevolent--He has not created a standard in one world that has to be contradicted in order to live in the afterlife.

Second, if God wanted humans to live for living on Earth, He must also desire that humans live rationally, since that is the best way to pursue life. More support for God as a benevolent being--every human has the capacity to be rational and therefore every being is capable of obeying His will and doing good.

Lastly, if God wanted rationality, He must have also wanted people to be egoistic. It is rational for every being to trust in their own rationality to come to decisions. This shows that God is benevolent because He does not create a primary means of understanding that is found outside the make-up of the human mind. Every human being has the capacity to understand the truth of God within themselves.

(In theory, God could be extraordinarily malicious, creating a world where it seems evident to pursue life, rationality, and egoism, but have a supernatural standard of death, irrationality, and selflessness. Such a god is a deceiver, and I will not worship a deceiver. If hell is the existence opposite of this god that is where I wish to be. Also in theory, there could be no God and this is simply the nature of the universe, but by the objectivist philosophy, this matters very little. I am still living my life to the fullest capacity because I am living it by the standards I believe are evident, and in accordance, with Earth.)

I believe in the Christian God because I believe that the Bible is intended to help Christians live on Earth the best way possible, has standards that are rational, and encourage men to live by the rationality of their own minds. Because I am an egoist, I do not follow the opinions of other Christians just because they tell me they are Christians. Because I am rational, I listen to the opinions of others, but ultimately decide how to respond based on my own rationality. Because I believe in life on Earth, I do not become deceived that I should do something simply based on argument that I will see a reward in Heaven.

That very last fact is critically important, and Ayn Rand did not understand this concept. She was frustrated with Christianity because she believed that it was necessary in Christian principle to always defer to the mystical goal of getting into Heaven. This is a fallacy in a lot of common Christian practices. Being Christian is not about getting into Heaven. Being Christian is about living your life in the way that tries to act like the perfect symbol of life, rationality, and individual perfection: God. The hope is that in living this way, we can carry on a relationship with this entity that created the standard of living on Earth. God is the greatest producer. Heaven is the hope that Christians have that death is not the final action we will have with the creator of Earth, the maker of all things good. The hope is that for making right choices here, despite the temptation of making bad choices, we will be rewarded by living in a place where there is no irrationality, no irrational selfishness, and no death. I am an objectivist because I believe that God created an objective world so that I could use objectivism to come to Him.

Objectivism is the word that Ayn Rand uses to define her philosophy, which she also calls “The Philosophy for living on Earth.” So, if that philosophy espouses atheism, how can I use that philosophy to prove God exists? Objectivism is about life, egoism, and rationality (it includes other things, but with relation to religion, these three ideas are supreme), anything else is an interpretation of those ideas on life. Ayn Rand believed that parts of the Bible contradicted the values of Earth, specifically the concept of altruism. Altruism is the process of giving without rationality. I do not believe that the Bible supports this concept. It is true that the Bible supports charity, encourages people to feed the hungry, cloth the naked, and give money to the poor. This may seem like altruism, but remember altruism is irrational giving. Giving rationally, or as Rand puts it “benevolence,” is a good thing. There are people in the world who are not trying to be moochers or looters who need help, and helping them is a clear benefit to the collection of individuals we know as humanity. There is lots of evidence that God did not intend us to give irrationally. The Bible states clearly, “If anyone will not work, neither let him eat.” The Bible is full of examples about how men should not condone laziness. The Bible is a code of standards that each man is supposed to adapt in his own life and not force upon others. The Bible does not support moocher and does not create looters. If anyone uses the Bible to do so, they are not acting in accordance with the spirit of God.

But why believe in God at all? Rand stated that it is possible that God existed, but even if He did, it didn’t matter because men were the most important thing in men’s own lives. But I think Atlas Shrugged is a perfect contradiction to this idea. What was the greatest thing Dagny Taggart was looking for? She wanted to know and love the greatest producer that ever lived. She wanted to live in an idyllic society where men like James Taggart did not exist. She wanted to live where rationality ruled the minds of every man. But, she was forced to live away from that world for a time until she could understand the value of the utopia that she dreamed of. She had to learn how to give up her railroad in order to gain her railroad. I am looking for the motor that runs the universe; I want to know, and to love, the mind that created the world we live in. I think He gave us a way to find Him, but there are lessons we have to learn here on Earth. His existence is not the negation of goodness on Earth or the power of mankind, but rather He is the compliment to the power of men and the perfect representation of the goodness we see on Earth. That is the greatest value I could ever live for.

So, in a nut shell: I’m an objectivist, because I need some standard outside of Christianity that helps me understand the will of God so that when contradictions in my circle of Christian influences occur, I can make a decision. I am a Christian because life is more fulfilling when I understand why I am living it.

I am sure that this is incomplete, but after 2300 words, I am open for questions.

Are you a "schoolwork" or a "homework" sort of person?

2005-07-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

I was talking with Cassidy the other day about how busy I was and how I didn't think that I would be able to hang out with her because I had a lot of schoolwork I needed to get done. She giggled and when I asked her what was funny, she replied, "I've noticed that home schoolers always call homework 'schoolwork.'" I did think it was funny how home schoolers do not differentiate between doing school at home and doing school at school. It's all schoolwork for us.

It's All Oklahoma's Fault.

2005-07-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

I have CNN set as my homepage. It's exactly the right amount of media that I desire. I see it for maybe 10 seconds everytime I pull up Safari (internet browser) and if anything is interesting, I will linger on it for a couple of minutes. Today I saw that some areas of the country are dealing with excessive heat waves and I wonder if they have stepped outside in Oklahoma today. It is heavenly outside here. In fact, I walked a little in the rain last night and was a little chilled from it. So, maybe in order to have good weather in Oklahoma, the rest of the world must go through hell. I find that prospect acceptable from my perspective.

A couple of nights...

2005-07-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

One night on the rooftops of downtown Norman, camera in hand. Stop in the middle of the street for a long conversation under a Harvest moon.

One night watching fireworks explode in the water, Star Wars on my mind. Convince the park rangers of honest intentions before a bowl of posole.

One night standing outside the door of a party, smile on my face. Choose to linger on the phone instead of going inside to get drunk.

One night at the heights of campus, bracelet clinking on the desk. Drink a glass of Hibiscus tea over a bicycle and scribbles of poetry.

One night lingering in the park, symbols of old affections lost. Swing until the sun comes up and breakfast of fried eggs and apple sauce oatmeal awaits.

One night watching a movie that must be loved, the glory of the 90s. Laying on the grass until my brother arrive, my head on your shoulder.

Tonight Lance Armstrong and 10 miles. What else will it bring?

I need one additional natural disaster to quell my curiousity.

2005-07-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Jordan called me today to say, "Hi" and inform me that he had seen some new interesting pictures of me on Cassidy's Xanga. While we were talking, he mentioned that he was annoyed with rain in Vancouver. Unlike Oklahoma where rain comes in sudden bursts of violence where people die and wind destroys property, in Vancouver it is apparently just gray and water falls from the sky days on end. But, he added that it was interesting to see that most places had an "In the even of an earthquake..." sign and how strange it was, but yet somehow familiar since we have tornadoes in Oklahoma which warrant similiar warnings. It occured to me that I am absolutely fascinated with the concept of earthquakes and I am determined to live through one before I die. I have no similiar interest in any other natural disaster other than tornadoes and earthquakes. As I have already seen a tornado, all I have left it the earthquake. So, if I near my life, and I have not lived through one, I'm planning to move to California for no other reason than to wait for this event. And, in case of my death in the disaster, it will be fine because I will have quelled my curiousity on that subject.

Random Commenters

2005-07-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

'Tis a strange thing to have a public post. I have been vastly busy these past couple of weeks and every moment I sit down to write my blog, I think of ten other things I must do instantly or I will lose one of three things; a friend, some money, or good academic standing. In my absense, people have been leaving comments on my last post. It was not a significant post. Three people, whose identity I do not know, left me comments: Loxley, John Galt, and Pooh. The occassional visit by Mr. Galt is still something that vexes me greatly. However, I have to say that I agreed with the vast majority of his last comment that he left under my creepy guy post. Despite any disagreements I might have with these random commenters, I greatly appreciate hearing these notes from people I don't know. I just wonder how they come across my blog. I wish that, like company sites, I could add to my comment boxes the "How did you find out about us?" question before one could add a comment.

I have a number of things I wish to discuss, but I have found that short posts are much better for readers. They tend to actually read them and then leave comments. But, if you get the chance, do tell me what you think about Europe. I'm taking a course called "Superpower Europe?" and I should like to know what people think about Europe--even if they don't think about Europe at all.

::shivers:: Creepy, weird, old guys!

2005-06-27T11:37:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I am not sure what it is about men that truly believes that a 21 year old girl would be interest in someone ten or fifteen years their senior. There are only two exceptions, naturally: 1) You must look like a greek god, or 2) You must have enough money to buy anything I ask for. If you are over 30, and you do not fit into either catagory, then please don't hit on me! And especially don't hit on waitresses! It's hard enough that we have to give you all the queso you would ever want. Why do you force us to keep coming back to the table while you make pseudo-sexual comments and watch your eyes roll on down our bodies! You put us in the awkward position of finding some fine line between protecting ourselves and protecting our tip. Bastards!

One Day I'll Get Raped by a Tree.

2005-06-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

*Right now I'm sipping my coffee (that my mother bought me for my birthday) that was ground fresh this morning with the coffee grinder (she also bought for my birthday) and all I can say is, "Who wants alcohol for their 21st when they can have fresh ground coffee?"*

My friends have frequently expressed concern about my lack of fear about being broken into, raped, and possibly murdered. Several months ago, Sarah and Cassidy walked right into my apartment and stood behind me as I was bent over drying my hair upside down. I saw them out of the corner of my eye and thought it was my brother and so I didn't respond at all. When I finally flipped my head upright, I saw it was them and was taken aback. They laughed at me, but at the same time they were like, "If we were some freak trying to rape you, you know you'd totally be getting raped right now." Since this day, there has been more evidence that the safety procedures in my apartment are not up to par.

First, I'm sort of weirded out when people knock on my door. We normally leave the apartment unlocked when we are at home and our friends just walk in. My parents came over a couple of times this week, and each time Nick and I looked at the door slightly puzzled when we heard knocking sounds. I think we're the only children in the world disconcerted by the fact that our parents knock on our doors.

Finally, I iron my clothes for work everyday at my sliding glass door in my living room overlooking the little open space next to my apartment. It's a lovely spot and it makes me happy. Just this last Thursday, I was looking out my window when I noticed the leaves that were hanging close to my balcony had writing on them. One said, "Jesi I'm watching U!" and another "Jesi I'm watching you." I was terribly amused and spent the day investigating who had done this. (Not that it took much effort to know who likes writing on things with Sharpies.) After confirming the offender, I wrote him that I was concerned that my powers of observation were weak. I mean, seriously, this tree was stalking me for a week outside the window I look out of everyday and I never noticed. What will I do when another tree starts stalking me more discreetly? I'll never notice! Then it'll walk right through my door while I'm drying my hair upside down and then I'll be screwed. ::sighs:: I definitely need to step up protective measures a notch.

Of Communists and Wife Swapping.

2005-06-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

So, I read The Communist Manifesto for the first time this evening. I'm not sure how I managed not to read it for so long, but I've known so much about it through other people, I just never took the time to read it myself. It is entirely as I expected, but I did find several parts of it were quite amusing. I found this section particularly funny:

"For the rest, nothing is more ridiculous than the virtuous indignation of our bourgeois at the community of women which, they pretend, is to be openly and officially established by the Communists. The Communists have no need to introduce free love; it has existed almost from time immemorial.

"Our bourgeois, not content with having wives and daughters of their proletarians at their disposal, not to speak of common prostitutes, take the greatest pleasure in seducing each other's wives. (Ah, those were the days!)

"Bourgeois marriage is, in reality, a system of wives in common and thus, at the most, what the Communists might possibly be reproached with is that they desire to introduce, in substitution for a hypocritically concealed, an openly legalized system of free love."

I love it: Bourgeois Marriage - a system of wives in common. I even love the "Ah, those were the days!" To think, I only have to marry one Bourgeois and then I get the hook up to a whole range of men! Man, we capitalists sure know how to have fun.

21st Birthday.

2005-06-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

So, in less than 12 hours, I will be able to legally consume alcohol. It's a very strange idea to me. My parents would allow me to drink with them when I turned 18 and they would offer me a beer or a glass of wine. I was always very careful never to get drunk. This semester, however, my friends deviously schemed to get me wasted. I threw my very first party at my apartment and I was too distracted by hosting and meeting new people that I didn't notice everyone kept giving me drinks. Since then I have been drunk 2 or 3 more times, and found it to not be fun, really. So here it is, just before my birthday, and all my friends want to through a party for me. Here are my birthday presents:

Cassidy, David, and Caleb: Rum, Whiskey, and Vodka with a collection of mixers for the party.
Sarah: Hookah Tobacco.
Kelly: Flavored Cigarettes.
Andrew: Blush White Zin.
Evan: Champagne.
Josh: Chocolate Cigar.

Seriously, what a collection of adult substances. They want to buy me condoms, to complete the collection, but I informed them that would just be a waste of money. But, I feel horrible, because within the last couple of weeks I've decided to return to my old days of moderation. I'm slowing down the drinking to made one or two drinks a night. I only smoke once every few weeks, and when I do smoke, I try to choose only one smoking option (Hookah or Cigarettes or Cigars or Pipe) and now I have enough tobacco to last me until Christmas at least! So, last night at the 21st birthday party I was neither drunk nor buzzed. I had so much fun and was happy to wake up this morning feeling tired, but not hung over. I was so glad so many people were able to make it (like 20 to 25 people!) and we all just hung out, while I remained quite sober.

What will I do on my actual 21 birthday (the 10th)? I will go out with my parents (they're going to buy me an Italian Margarita), maybe watch a movie, and then I'm going to sleep. And somehow, that sounds like the best way to celebrate my birthday.

One Dark Film and One Light Film.

2005-06-06T20:37:00.000-07:00

A dear friend of mine left a comment asking me to give 3 reasons to see "Requiem for a Dream." I loved this movie and so I decided to leave an entire post on this subject. These are the three reasons I give anyone so see good films:

1. A good point.
2. Strong characters and plot.
3. Complementary images and sound.

"Requiem for a Dream" not only slides through on these three points, it masters them. It starts with a excellent point: drugs destroy lives. The plot moves smoothly draws this point out in the lives of four central characters, all very believable and interesting. The sound and images match the story flawlessly. I think this film is probably one the best examples of correctly matching images and sound to the story. I really believe that I could watch this film with on the music and the images and still think that it was excellent.

Without a doubt, it is an extremely powerfully movie and one you are not likely to forget. It is definitely in my Top 10 Most Depressing Films, but I will defer to my good friend James, who said the movie made him happy. When I asked him why, he said, "Because I choose not to do drugs." So, there you go. I think everyone should see this movie once. It is a movie for adults: extreme sexual content, rampant drug use, and frightening images. However, if you are in the mood for a challenging film, you should absolutely take the time to watch "Requiem."

On a side note, I just watched the movie "Goodbye Lenin!" and it was a wonderful movie. It was considerably lighter and happier than "Requiem." If you dig foreign films, this is a good one to pick up. Not nearly as great as "Requiem," but well worth the time watching it.

My Summer - Fiction, fiction, fiction. (And a little Queso.)

2005-05-30T09:40:00.000-07:00

::crinkles nose:: I don't think the "Save as Draft" button works in blogger... I totally wrote this whole post, but decided to publish the thing about lemons, first. I go to my drafts, and it's gone. This has happened before and that was the only other time I tried to save a post. Anyhow, I just scanned some of my friend Xangas after (ironically... I probably should've gone and deleted my account right then and there, but alas, Xanga has cast its spell and there is no recovering me) reading Kurt's comments (kurtmckee.org - "Sorry Frederick") about how horrible it is that Xanga makes you join to post comments. Now, I'm feeling rather Xanagish, (So, I like went to the store today and it was fun. I wish I was cooler. I need some new stuff for my apartment. etc, etc, etc) but I'm going to attempt to recover and try to write something siginificant.

I have found that when I am given free time in my life, I surround myself in fiction. Books, movies, writing, TV (occassionally), etc. Look at my summer so far:

I've been spending some time with Josh getting Star Trek cultured. I've watched all of the movies (several I had not seen before) except for "First Contact" and "Insurrection," both of which I have seen before. He's even written some fanfiction and I've read one of his stories and started reading his book. I really enjoy Star Trek. However, I can't wait to watch episodes from the actual TV series. I did watch some of "Voyager" and "Deep Space Nine" and enjoyed them a great deal. It reminds me of Star Gate, which is one of my favorite television shows.

Josh has never seen the original Star Gate movie. I know! If you haven't seen it, go out and rent it. One of my favorite Sci Fi films ever. I am planning on spending the summer culturing Josh in Star Gate SG-1. I just found out that he has cable with access to the Sci Fi channel. This means I'm might exploit him to catch episodes from the eighth season which I have almost entirely missed. (Save for Jacob telling me a key point to the story line, which miffed me considerably.)

But my influence on Josh will not be limited to Star Gate. I absolutely intend on having him read some of Stephen Lawhead, Timothy Zahn, and Orson Scott Card. It's a heavy reading list, but well worth the effort. I just spoke to Elizabeth yesterday, I also plan on having her read Stephen Lawhead. Fortunately, the influence goes both ways, and Elizabeth will also be giving me some books to read.

She already exposed me to Garth Nix's "Sabriel," "Lirael," and "Abhorsen." Fantastic novels. And I just found out that Nix will be publishing an additional book to this series this summer. Rockin'. So, now I can wait for that as well as waiting for "Half-blooded Prince." Yes, all you Harry Potter fans out there just gasped slightly in anticipation and joy.

I actually just gave my mother those three books as well as "Shadow of the Giant" by Mr. Orson Scott Card. I'm absolutely stunned by his capacity to keep putting out books and books that I love. I've read like 15 of his books and they're all fantastic. He also has a really interesting website (ornery.org) where he states his opinions about current events. I don't always agree, but it is interesting to note his perspective after reading some of his books. Anyway, I just finished reading "Shadow of the Giant" and it was fantastic. Actually, I cried a little at the end of it. One of the few books I actually cried while reading. If you haven't read "Ender's Game," please step away from the computer and read it right now. Without a doubt, one of the best novels ever.

I actually just read a review by Orson Scott Card about "Revenge of the Sith" (http://www.hatrack.com/revengeofthesith.shtml) and I have to say I do agree. The story is so good, but it is a pity George Lucas can't write! But, no matter how bad the writing was, I still loved it. I waited eleven hours in line opening day for a movie I expected would only be mediocre. I was uniquely satisfied, though, seeing the end and I would probably see it again if someone invited me.

I love stories. If you know of a good story (TV, movie, books, or otherwise) let me know, 'cause that's what I'm going to be doing this summer when I'm not waitressing at El Chico.

Lemons Lining the Wall

2005-05-25T10:31:00.000-07:00

I had a random memory today and I am determined not to forget it again. When I attend College of the Ozarks, I worked in the school cafeteria. It was extremely demanding work and in no way pleasant. I worked every weeknight from 4:00 to 8:30 (sometimes later) keeping the dining area clean. I also had to work a nine-hour shift every other Saturday morning. On Saturdays, though, I had to work in the dish room. I'm sure you have been in a cafeteria before and left your tray on one of those little conveyor belt things. In the room that the conveyor belt leads to is a series of washers: one who dumps the cup and flips it, another who throws away trash and extra food, one who washes of the plates, and another who loads everything into the machines. At the other end of the machine are a couple of people who stack the dishes and return them to the serving area.

It's absolutely disgusting work. They give you a plastic smock and plastic gloves, but you usually end up with food particles up and down your arms and on your face. And then your shoes and bottom part of your pants end up soaked from dishwater that has flooded over onto the floor. Also, the dish room reeks of rotting food in unknown locations. You learn to hate people who waste their food or leave messy trays. I worked the morning shift on Saturdays, so I had to be at work before 5:00 a.m. Because it was Saturday mornings, very few people actually went to the caf, so I was the only one they scheduled to be there until 11:00 a.m. Those six hours were painful. I was tired, because no one on God's green earth should have to wake up that early. And I was alone. A tray might come through every thirty minutes. I would quickly go through each process and then wait in exhausted silence until another tray came through. It was quite natural that I searched for ways to amuse myself. That's where the lemons came in.

Beside the drink machine (is there an actual title for that machine?) there was a bowl of lemons, sliced fresh every day to add to your drink. Most people would toss them into their drink and let it sit there until they set their tray on the dish line. As I dumped the drink into the dish line, there would be chunks of clear ice and a bright little slice of yellow. I had told people that lemons made me happy, but one day I decided that sending them down the garbage disposal immediately was a bad idea. So, I began lining them up on the edge of the dish line against the wall. My best friend was one of the two dish room employees to come in at 11:00 a.m. for lunch and every time she came in, we'd count the lemons from the morning. Of course, we'd continue to collect them during lunch until they completely lined the dish wall. It was great, too, because we had to clean the dish room after lunch, and so we'd clean everything but the lemons first. Then, we'd toss the lemons into the garbage disposal and so the stink of the food that had been washed down was replaced by the scent of lemons. It was happy to watch while we were washing and it left a pleasant smell for the people who came in for the dinner shift.

I remember talking to my manager at the end of the semester, and he thanked me for being so committed to my work. He said that the person who worked the opposite Saturday showed up late, never actually did the work, and then complained about having to do it. My manager was so appreciative that I not only did the work, but I chose to be happy doing it. Of course, for me, this gave me an intense sense of pride.

I promised myself I'd try to remember that, but it has faded with time. I think I remembered it because I'm trying to get a job at a restaurant and it made me thinking of my last position in food service. I am determined not to forget it again. It's a really fantastic lesson, I think. You've been waiting for the line, I'm sure: If life gives you lemons, line them up on the dish wall.

Spotted Landscape

2005-05-19T17:28:00.000-07:00

I love driving the back way from Yukon to Norman. Fifty cents is a reasonable fee for the peace of mind that comes with avoiding I-40, I-44, I-240 and I-35. I was very happy to notice that most of my skin was no longer spotted. God bless steroids used in the correct fashion. When it is partly cloudy outside, the vast stretches of Oklahoma land is a mix of dark and light spots. Just looking at the growth that costs the state too much to mow down made me very happy. I have a sense of pride from the slight sun burn I bore from sitting in the sun for several hours waiting for Star Wars, which turned out to be a very fine end to that trilogy. I hope that my summer is filled with such simple joys.

There is nothing to do but be happy...

2005-05-17T14:13:00.000-07:00

I bound into the urgent care center and giggle as I approach the counter. The nurse smiles and says, "Just fill out this form and--" she pauses and looks at my brother, "Oh, are you the one who's here to get treated?" The nurse behind her smiles and says, "Of course she's not sick. She's too happy to be sick." My head feels like my brain is about to burst out my ears, my throat feels like I swallowed a cheese-grater, and I itch from head to toe. How do I respond? I laugh.

April 21st is when I first started feeling sick. I think I must have just eaten something bad. My stomach hurt and I spent much of the night on the floor desperately trying to read my Astronomy textbook while my friends partied in the living room. The following Monday, my throat began hurting. Soon it was full on sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes, and coughing with a fever. The sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes, and fever went away after a few days, but the cough lingered well into the next week. My boyfriend broke up with me, which merely confused the matter. Was I not feeling well because I was actually sick or am I responding physically to the surprise of the break up? I waited as my cough continued to linger, but after a week I begin getting piercing headaches that make me so dizzy that I was forced to sit down in the middle of my shower. I go to the doctor and he tells me I have a sinus infection. He prescribes an antibiotic and tells me to take 4 Ibuprofen not to exceed 12 in a day. Well, I've been taking my antibiotic, and nothing has gotten better. I've been taking 12 Ibuprofen a day until Sunday. I stopped because I know that much medicine is bad for me, but the headaches return. I had planned on scheduling an appointment with my doctor, but on Monday night I noticed that I had been scratching my ankles frequently. I look down to find little red bumps all over my ankles. I walk into my brother's room and point at my ankles and ask, "What's that?" I then notice the bumps are all over my hands. I was hot, so I pulled my shirt up off my stomach for a moment while we were discussing possible problems and Nick says, "Uh, Jess, they're all over your stomach." Sure enough, the red bumps are spreading quickly up my arms, legs, and torso. I call my mom and she tells me to go to the urgent care center.

Which leaves me laughing at the nurse who believed I was too happy to be sick. I simply respond, "I have been sick for close to a month straight and when you've felt this way for that long, there is nothing to do but be happy." She smiled nervously at me and returned to her work while the other nurse continued to help me. Turns out I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic. The new doctor prescribed a simple decongestant for my sinuses, and now my headaches are gone. I'm still covered in little red bumps that are very itchy, but the steroid he prescribed is making that situation better.

This has physically been one of the worst months in my life. Please pray that this is the end of my misery. I am in desperate need of healthy body.

What Kind of Influence are You on Jesi?

2005-05-14T09:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, I woke up at 7:00 this morning with a piercing headache, sore throat, and body aches. Clearly sick and clearly not going back to sleep, I browsed the internet bored as hell. Then I came across this quiz site and saw I could create my own quiz. In my egoism, I wrote a quiz about how you influence me: http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=35300. Let me know how you score.

Yeah, I'm hot!

2005-05-13T15:54:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking towards the Jenkin's Parking Lot when I passed by a group of construction workers and they whistled at me! One of them yelled out something like, "Hot as July!" I know that for the sake of respect to all women everywhere, I should be so mad and talk about the injustices of women only being seen as sex objects. But I'm kinda proud.

Do You Realize?

2005-05-10T10:33:00.000-07:00

I was reading on of my brother's musical lyric away messages the other day. It was the song "Do You Realize?" by The Flaming Lips, which is without a doubt one of my favorite songs of all time. I came to my favorite part of the song, "You realize the sun doesn't go down/It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round." I like this line so much because I think that it communicates a desperately important part of life: don't be afraid of something simply because you don't understand it. The sun setting should be a terribly tragic part of life. Every night, the sun leaves us and we have no idea where it goes. The thing that gives life to the world, gives light that we can see, food to the plants that feed us, and warmth in the day goes away for hours. There is no guarantee it will return. Our expanding knowledge of the sun realizes that the sun never leaves us. It never goes away. The setting sun is just a part of the natural flow of the universe. It's an illusion caused by the rotation of earth. What a wonderfully hopeful idea! Even in the darkness, we have hope that light is waiting for us on the other side. It's only hidden from us temporarily because that is the movement of life.

Anyhow, I just found that the PEZ my friend left here still has candy in it. I'm going to eat that and go to my Geography final.

Queso for the Children.

2005-05-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm devestated! My friend from Kansas just IMed me today and our conversation is as follows:

"Josh: yo..."queso" means cheese doesnt it?"
"Jesi: Oui."
"Josh: So you guys were driving around looking for "free cheese?""

::points frantically at her stunned face:: I know! Apparently he is unfamiliar with the idea that every good Mexican restaurant gives this cheese sauce substance with salsa at the beginning of the meal. I guess here in OKC we have it everywhere: Chelinos, Casa Pericos, La Luna, Alfredos, Las Fajitas, Ted's Cafe Escondido, etc., (please forgive me if I spelled any of those wrong) that it had not occured to me that there might be places in the world where this does not exist. You go to Abuelo's or Don Pablos and they make you buy it seperately. Granted, it's thicker and arguably better, but it's not served with the meal automatically. There is a recognition that queso is not automatically served. I'm saddened and I now feel a new sense of responsibility to insist that we make Queso available to all of God's children, in Kansas or elsewhere.

Call the Search Off.

2005-05-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

It warmed up outside. But that sucker better not do that again or I will kill him myself! Drawned and quartered, quartered and drawn, drawned/quartered-whatever hurts, damn it!

Who Said This Was Okay?

2005-05-04T04:35:00.000-07:00

Another morning under 50 degrees. It is May. This is Oklahoma. There is something seriously wrong. I really despise cold weather, but I specifically abhor it when it comes in times where it does not belong. I'm a rather level-headed person, but if it snowed in Florida in July, I might murder someone with no reason. Oklahoma is pushing it's luck. It's pushing me to more minor offenses, like snarling at strangers. I have been suffering from sickness that I believe was exacerbated by the weather than can't seem to decide what season it is. In some ways it is a blessing, because I've been too busy thinking about how I sound like an 85 year old man when I cough rather than who should die for this horrid weather. The cough, though, is fading.

If you find out who agreed to this weather indecision, please have them quartered and drawn. They are really encouraging unnatural behavior in respectable Oklahomans. All we want is to leisurely bitch about how hot it is, but ultimately we know it is our own fault for living here. If we wanted cold, we'd move north. Anger cannot arise, because we control our location on the map. But this cold? This is truly unjust.

Is this a Mexican restaurant?

2005-05-03T07:00:00.000-07:00

So, I just had one of the worst weekends of my life. And the pain is dragging its way into this week, but I am determined to find joy in my hardship.

Sunday night, Cassidy drove me back to my apartment and said that she wanted to go eat Mexican food. We were both having boy issues and so we were going to try to sort out things together. I wanted Queso, and On the Border doesn't serve free Queso, so we want to go elsewhere. So, we hop in the car and head over to a Mexican restaurant I had heard of and it was closed. We then drive to another Mexican restaurant that we had been to before and climb out of car to go in.
"Is that a chain on the gate?" Cassidy asks. I nod my head. It was closed. We drive over to what I thought was a Mexican restaurant, and we run inside to find that they actually serve hamburgers, ribs, and the like. We cannot believe our luck and we just want to eat so we ask the waitress, "Where is the nearest Mexican restaurant." She names off the two we've already been to that were closed. She shrugged her shoulders and suggested we go to El Chico. I'm not a terribly big fan of El Chico, but I agree. As we are driving over there, we see Don Pablos.
"I think they have free queso," I say and so we drive on over. We sit down and I examine the other tables realizing that they do not have queso. I sigh and when the waiter asks us for our drink order I tell him, "Yes, and we also want an order of queso." The best queso I've ever paid for. But, seriously, what is wrong with Norman that it is so hard to find Mexican restaurants?

Ultimately it was just really awesome to hang out with Cassidy that evening and we have absolutely got to do that again.

Baby Squirrels

2005-04-21T12:26:00.000-07:00

Despite the cheer in that title, this post is actually a little dark. This kinda freaked me out.

This morning a woke up very tired. Andrew's show is on Wednesdays, and I usually meet up with him and a few of our freinds afterwards. So, I stayed up late last night, but bravely stumbled to my 8:30 French class this morning. I did, after all, have a vocabulary quiz. I have to walk a small distance from the bus to my class, and on the way I notice three objects moving on the ground. As I get closer, I realize they were baby squirrel who must have fallen out of the above tree and received some kind of head wound. Their lower bodies and legs were squirming, but their upper bodies and legs wouldn't move. I didn't know what to do! It's 8:30 in the morning and I have a quiz. I keep walking, but I've been uniquely disturbed for the rest of the day. My French classmates were concerned about me. I had another class this afternoon, but I decided to go home and sleep. I feel horrible!

Significant Stuff from the Last Two Weeks

2005-04-19T17:19:00.000-07:00

Good Lord Almighty, it's been a while since I've posted... So much to say!

OIL -

Wow, what a fantastic experience. It was very strange for me because I came in as a freshman, but came very attatched to Andrew Heaton. Andrew was elected Lt. Governor and is very well known throughout the entire organization. (I'm almost convinced it's throughout the world, but that hypothesis has yet to be tested.) Most freshman hang out with other freshman. Because of Andrew, though, I ended up spending a lot of time with the leadership. The leadership is composed of some of the most admirable college students of my acquaintance. Not only were they extremely intelligent and very capable of leading such an organization, but they were friendly and enjoyable to be around. I was particularly stunned with their capacity to relax about leadership issues when they hung out. At the end of session, the leadership resigning from the organization gave retirement speeches, which were moving. The friendships in OIL run deep and are without a doubt the sort of relationships I hope to leave college with.

Party at Jesi's Apartment Every (!) Night -

I've noticed that my apartment has become the social meeting place of the vast majority of my friends. People now just leave their Hookah's and alcohol at my apartment because they know they'll be back soon. I enjoy it, but good heavens I spend so much time just cleaning my apartment from the night before. Who has time to write a blog when you need to mop the floor?

Who took that? -

One thing about having people over is a lot of people ask me about the photography on the walls. I happily inform them that it is my work, but Saturday night I actually had two people ask for copies of the photo hanging behind the couch. Cool. I've taken some more stuff lately, but I have yet to go through and make some substantial additions to my collection on the walls. Other than the picture behind my couch, most of the stuff on my walls is several years old. I've improved a great deal since then, so I'm hoping to receive more acclaim for my work when I update.

Oh, Eastern Orthodoxy... Really, that's interesting -

Well, I think it would be strange to date someone and not to attend the same church--especially since he is a Religious Studies major, so clearly his religious tendencies are significant in his life. However, I never expected God to bring me someone who was Eastern Orthodox. Ever seen video of robed guys in Turkey with the incense thing on a chain? Yup, that's them. I've been twice now and have been slowly picking up some of the practices at home (such as crossing myself before I pray). Josh Jennings (Andrew's friend who is also Eastern Orthodox) told me that he was surprised at how well I was responding to the liturgy practices. I thought about it for a moment and realized that I come from a rather non-traditional religious background anyway. I've seen people fall backwards being "slain in the spirit" and people yelling out jibberish (speaking in tongues) and it all seems quite normal to me. Different people worship in very different ways. My feelings is that as long as we are worshipping Jesus Christ, the Son of the living God, who was born of the Virgin, died and rose from the dead and believing in Him is the only way to receive forgiveness for your sins, I'm cool with it. Still, though, this change of religious tendencies is a little strange for me and I'm hoping to speak with the priest of the church I've been attending about it.

So much more to say, so little time.

Problems with Objectivism

2005-04-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

I have been adament about my support for objectivism, but perhaps I should make clear one of my objections to this philosophy as this mysterious John Galt begins leaving messages on my blog. The first is that Ayn Rand sets up a world where people tell the truth as they see it and harshly criticizes anyone who accepts lies instead. I have found this to deeply challenge me personally, but I've also found it deeply divisive to actually express this on someone else. I think people need to think for themselves and that means I need to not demand that people follow my ideology because I tell them so. My Christianity teaches me to be as Bold as Lions, but at the same time as Gentle as Doves; one must speak the truth in love. So, Mr. Galt, whoever you are, if you wish to speak the truth, fine, but do so in love. James is a dear friend of mine and I know him to be an excellent human being. Ayn Rand, for all her insight, died a very lonely death because she did not know how to address people with verying opinions. I have many friends who are not objectivists and some who are violently opposed to that philosophy, but they are all dear to me, including James. I understand the heart of his comment, and that is what's important. The only thing you achieved in your comment to him was pissing me off.

Boys.

2005-03-30T18:48:00.000-08:00

Many of you may be acutely aware of the fact that I was violently opposed to dating during high school. As I left the church, I realized that most of that particular viewpoint stemmed from my religious upbringing and I could find no logical reason to continue thinking that way as I entered into college. However, I have not been surrounded by a great male selection nor have I been in a situation where I thought it would be valuable. Moving to Norman has definitely changed that situation. So, here are some thoughts about dating:

1) It is absolutely horrible for my academics. Why worry about my class tomorrow when I can spend time giggling with a boy?
2) I end up doing things I regret later. Like allowing a boy to write comments in Sharpie on my midriff...
3) I begin thinking about doing things I would never think of doing. For example, I was absolutely sure that I would never attend church, But now I'm considering attending an Eastern Orthodox church. (Which is terribly ironic that the church made me not want to date, leaving the church made me want to date, and finally dating makes me want to go to church. Wow.)

Anyway, I do find it very enjoyable. It's so much fun. I'm really afraid that this anti-dating movement just creates tension between boys and girls. In my situation, I found it just scared every boy who ever asked me out when I explained, "I don't get into meaningless romantic relationships." Their eyes would get big and then I'd never hear from them again. It's not that I'm going out with every guy that comes along, but I don't ask them to put a ring on my finger before I give them my number.

Who is John Galt?

2005-03-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

No, seriously. Someone just left a couple of comments to my post and I am intrigued to know who this person is.

Thoughts As March Ends.

2005-03-24T13:05:00.000-08:00

I’m bitchy tonight, so buyer beware.

Easter Sunday is this Sunday for the majority of churchgoers. My views on religion have been shifting slight due to some large shifts in my personal philosophies across the board. I've spent the last two days trying to get some ideas on the screen, but without any success. Part of me wants to go back to church, and the other part says, "What the hell are you thinking?" My frustrations with the church remain:

* Leadership patterns that promote hypocrisy, backstabbing, and self-righteousness.
* Teaching/worship techniques that over emphasize the trivial, discourage thought, and uphold mediocrity.
* Social environment that is political, gossipy, and manipulative.

I will be the first to admit that these statements are highly summarized, but I am not here to argue those points. I’m here to argue how much I long to find a group of people who actually support my growth in God. The church has consistently failed to offer that for me, but I guess 3 years is long enough to not feel the sting so acutely. God forgive me, but I’m going to at least one church in the next few weeks. I’ll try to comment on this when my ideas reshape into something definable.

My friend Jacob last night pointed at my painted toe nails and commented, “Why would you ever spend time painting your toe nails? All feet are ugly. There is no purpose in painting them.” He had no idea he was triggering a private crusade of mine. I explained that I was just falling in line with a long history of dehumanizing women. My friends all agreed, but believed that women were being put under men. That is not my argument. I believe woman have always been treated as something divine. I read about this last semester (author Chris Cuomo?) that there are problems in feminism, because women have held onto some old models that we’ve assumed are good. Being divine is not derogatory, but it still serves to divide.

This first occurred to me with the poker game. Why don’t men want women around? Most who responded to me defined this behavior in terms of men being easily distracted, crass, sore losers, and prone to say things that are inappropriate. Women seem to still be viewed as good and if one were to invite women to a game, the game would cease to be manly and instead take the feminine attribute: good. This thought continued in my Perspectives course when my professor talked about the developing public and private spheres from the mid 1800s to the mid 1900s. The public sphere took the manly characteristics: crass, harsh, industrious, greasy, dirty, greedy, etc. The private sphere took the side of the gentler sex: religious, irrational, clean, peaceful, moral, center for child raising, etc. Some might see this as forcing women into inferiority, but not to my mind. There is a clear movement to make women so gloriously good, that it would be wrong to bring them back the world of men—the human world.

Though we have worked hard to encourage women can do anything men can do, we still cling to this denaturalization or dehumanization of women. Simply look at women: shaved of all hair except their head (which is colored, straightened, and styled until every hint of it’s natural appearance is completely removed), painted nails (frequently fake), make-up to hide natural blemishes, high heals to deceive the natural length of legs, control top panty hose to slim the natural shape of the stomach, bras that hold the breasts in an unnatural shaped, and so on and so forth. It is not a coincidence that a woman who does not participate in such primping is frequently thought to be a lesbian. A woman who sticks to her natural human form is almost a man. No, better to make women appear and act as angels. For women, we have been deceived that it is a compliment: who can complain about being said they are superiorly righteous? But men continue to use this as a means of division, as with the poker game. The poker game may seem like a small issue, but as long as men believe that it is acceptable to break off certain spheres for men only (such as the social public sphere, which is where some of the greatest advances intellectually, economically, and politically have been formed) women will never be equal. Well, damnit, I would much rather be a fallible human who bears some crass activity than an isolated angel who is denied access to the growth of humanity.

Men Only.

2005-03-19T20:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I was invited to go to a poker game tonight. I mentioned that I had heard of other poker games, but had not been invited because I am female. This did not bother me because I did not know these people that well. I tend not to argue with people I don't know. Anyway, it turns out that I was accidently invited to the all boy poker night and was subsequently uninvited when my gender was made known. As my friend (who is male) did go, I feel that I should comment on the situation. Why would women be prohibited from attending a poker game? Why do they not want us present? These are not rhetorical questions, I would like to hear some ideas and I will respond to those ideas accordingly. I don't want to hear, "Well, 'cause they're guys and sometimes guys just want to hang out with guys." I understand this, but why do guys just want to hang out with guys? What do females do or lack that makes them unappealing poker players? And if it's just "sometimes" why would they insist on the exclusion several weeks in a row?

Wedding Dresses.

2005-03-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

Hm, I have been told that it is fun to try on wedding dresses, but I find myself of the opposite persuasion. Sarah works at David's Bridal. So, while Sarah tried on prom dresses, Cassidy and I put on some wedding dresses. I didn't think any of them were that appealing. Their purpose seems merely to cover me in way too much fabric. And I don't think they're that attractive. I have worn three other formals and would eagerly wear any of those three over the dresses I tried on today.

What Occured to Me At 2:00 A.M.?

2005-03-14T08:43:00.000-08:00

Friday Afternoon: I realize that I had assumed that my brother had no class on Friday. I was wrong. He had Calculus at 12:30. I had agreed to meet someone in Oklahoma City at 3:00. Lose an hour for Nicks class. Lose an hour to travel into OKC. Lose 30 minutes to pack and get out of Norman. I was going to be cutting it close. Unfortunately, "Happenchance" needed to be returned to Blockbuster and I was 10 minutes late. I arrived flustered and towing my brother along. Fortunately Chris is a wonderfully patient individual and gave me a new CD with great music and a new book.

Friday Evening: I began reading "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy." The release of the trailer for the film has brought this interesting book back into the memories of all its fans. And all of its fans have been hounding me to read it as of late. I started it tonight and I'm enjoying it thoroughly. I let you know what I think in the end. Also on Friday, I received a call from a friend of mine.

Saturday Afternoon: "Do you want to walk dogs for the Animal Shelter tomorrow afternoon?" Alfredo asked me the night before. He also quipped, "I know Republicans hate puppies." I have been looking for some volunteer work and was enthused when I heard about this. And it's considerably more fun when you go with someone. I met Amelio, Queeny, Angel, and Pepper, all of them absolutely adorable puppies. Then Andrew (a.k.a. Alfredo) and I had Indian food, which I have decided is worth a second chance.

Saturday Evening: I'm staying at my parents house to have easy access to OKC. My parents came home and realized that that was going to be the nicest evening of the week. They love me, but they love their motorcycles more. So, the three of us took a motorcycle ride (My dad and I on his motorcycle and my mom on her scooter) around Lake Overholser. That was a lot of fun. We visited Paul, Almond, Eric, and Ian. The boys were having pipe cleaner art contests. I designed a flower, a hat, and a bowtie. I won first for the flower. The hat was a disappointing 4th. And 2nd for the bowtie.

Sunday Morning: My parents and I decided to take a trip to a winery. It was too cold for a motorcycle, so we drove in my mom's truck. I read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" for a while on the way down there. As we pull into the vineyard, it strikes us how very strange this place looks. Oklahoma Vineyards are not as snobby as California vineyards. This one in particular greeted its guests with a huge dog who is crippled. You walk into these people's house and they serve you wine from their kitchen counter. The man pulled out three glasses, but his wife interupted, "I think you only need two. By the looks of her daughter, I think she may be fifteen." ::sighs:: I explained I'd be 21 in three months and, being the friendly people they are, they said if my parents didn't mind, they didn't mind letting me taste. They had some very strange wines. But I was amused all the same.

Sunday Afternoon: As we made our way back to Oklahoma City, we took a different route. We pulled over to a small gas station in a nearly non-existant town. After tasting wine, I made my way to the restroom. I was amused to find a sign written in magic marker on a piece of cardboard taped to the mirror. It said, "Please keep it clean." It's amazing the differences between small towns and cities. In small towns, it is the duty of the consumer to keep the bathroom clean. Unfortunately, this bathroom was not clean.

Sunday Evening: I stayed up late reading a story that a friend had sent to me. Around 1:30, I finely shut down. (Yes, I know that's technically Monday, but for the sake of the story let's stretch the bounds a little.) Only a few minutes later, people start coming into my home. Someone came up to the couch I was sleeping on and said, "Guess who?" I thought it was James, but then again I wasn't sure if I was sleeping. Sure enough, Nick had brought over a few of his friends. They all came in and tumbled on the couch on top of me. Nick said he had come back to get the keys to our apartment because he had forgotton a few things for our trip to Lake Eufala (details of this trip will follow on this site... eventually.) But after all this, as I started to fall asleep, it occured to me that I have a very strange life.

Any Man I Want.

2005-03-11T15:10:00.000-08:00

I met with a friend yesterday. I enerally keep my Sci Fi obsessions concealed, but conversation somehow revealed Star Wars and it all came out. He was surprised and asked me if I knew what this meant. I shrugged. He said, "You know you can have any man you want. It would be like a guy who loves to go shoe shopping. There are three girls on the planet who truly enjoy Sci Fi stuff."

Another Environmentalist Fails.

2005-03-09T14:13:00.000-08:00

So, today in my honors class we have Ted Steinberg, the author of "Down to Earth: Nature's Role on American History" which I briefly covered in my last blog. I have a fluctuating opinion on environmentalism. I'm uniquely disturbed at how quickly we consume (purchase, use, and throw away) and I think many people are not aware that resources run out. But, I also think that environmentalist too quickly fail to give credit to the ingenuity of men. Isn't the quote, "Necessity is the mother of invention." When we begin to reach our resource limits, we are able to adapt. However, to continue my flip-flopping, it's very dangerous to say, "Oh, someone down the line will figure out how to fix all these problems." As I put in my latest essay, environmentalism is a strange creature.

Inevitably, our conversations with Steinberg lead to questions of how to solve environmental problems. And he was fantastically political about it: "Well, I don't really know much about it. Maybe this, maybe that, or maybe not at all." But, Honors students are persistent and his views came out, "Well, I'm all about regulation. I think Capitalism is horrible." Is it possible to feel a whole group of people cringe? I think young people are sick of hearing anti-Capitalistic drivel. Without a doubt, these honor students were not impressed with his criticism. We started asking him what he meant and he specifically pointed out the Health Care system. He complained that there is too big of a group of people without health care and said that there are too many people without it. He said that capitalistic societies have the worst health care systems, to which I asked him why the greatest health epidemics, such as AIDS in Africa, occur in countries that are not capitalistic. He said, "I don't really know about that." Exactly. Anyhow, another criticized me by saying that I should have compared the U.S. to the UK or Canada. But, I'm sorry, I think that the UK and Canada are extraordinarily Capitalistic. The number 1 import in Canada is the U.S. I'm sure the UK is very similar. People that dependant on our market cannot be that ant-Capitalistic.

I think Mr. Steinberg simply had a confusion of terms, but regardless I think that it is terribly ironic that he used Health Care as an example. One of the most wasteful industries in the world is the health industry. The correct operation of a health care facility is dependent on throwing this away: new latex gloves for every patient, a new cap for the thermometer, a new and wooden stick to hold down the tongue. When you are through with medication that is to be used "as needed," you are supposed to throw it away. Every prescription comes in an individual bottle with an individual label. And that’s just on a normal visit. Think of all the stuff they have to use and throw away in surgery! And Ted Steinberg supports providing this free of charge to every single human on Earth? When I didn't have health insurances, if I was sick, I went to bed. Now, I go to the Doctor and go through the whole use and waste routine before they say, "Oh, looks like you need to just go home and lay down." They have to do this, because more people would die if they did not. There needs to be a balance between making products available to save lives, but not make it so easily accessible that it feeds into this wasteful tradition. Let's keep a cost attached to health care, but not so high as to make it debilitating.

Though it discourages me greatly to discover that, though this man has extraordinary understanding of the history of ecology, not even he can predict consequences of human systems.

Balancing the Consumers and the Disconnected

2005-03-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

I am taking two very interesting courses right now. My Honor's Perspective course is called Buying and Selling in America. We are studying the consumer history of America. At this point, we've been required to read Ted Steinburg's "Down to Earth," which gives ecological background to America's history. At the same time, I'm studying Geograpy, which is constantly talking about human influence on the environment.

I am struggling with this issue for several reasons. First, I really do think that there are serious problems with human's consumptive nature. There is this assumption that there will always be resources and that we have no duty to consciously ensure returning resources back to the Earth that we do not use. However, I think that the vast majority of environmentalists are completely disconnected from any concept of reality. It is not likely that humans are going to cut the population in half, stop eating for fun, and toss their cars to recycling plants. Even if we did, I still don't think that would be enough to return the world to their idealist view of nature.

Ultimately, I have infinite faith in humanity. I believe that as we become more aware of problems, we will seek to find solutions. I believe, though, at some point we'll have to feel some pain before we really invest in this issue.

How will David Boren know me?

2005-02-22T10:32:00.000-08:00

I really do have a life outside of my Expository Writing course, but anytime I spend a lot of time related to it, I feel the urge to write.

So, we remember the situation from, "The Thought to Begin All Other Thoughts." Well, I won Sooner Stakes (and get $75 for my time... Rock on!) and that is going to be sent on to David Boren. One of the professors of the EXPO department is making a video about the program and he interviewed me for it. That will also be sent on to David Boren. During last semester when I was actually in the class, I wrote a letter to the EXPO head, to let him know how much I loved the program, and that was sent on to David Boren. I was talking with the professor after the interview and laughed, "Wow, David Boren is just going to know me as 'Little Miss Expos.'" But, hey, better 'Little Miss Expos' than 'Who?'