Today is a Good Day.
I am going to post a warning here. Many of you have already found that there are things on this site that express parts of me that you do not enjoy. I understand that, but at the same time this is a place for me to express myself in a way I do not feel I can in person. These postings liberate my mind. Somehow sharing my thoughts, even the ones I sometimes am nervous to share, gives me a sense of peace. In the following paragraphs I am going to outline some of my sexual experiences and substance experiences. If you are going to be offended, don't read on.
I know you are going to anyway, so when you do, don't be upset that it is what I told you it was going to be.
In the Fall of 2004, I attend OU for the first time. I took Botany that semester, and the seating was set so that everyone would have the same lab partners every class. I was assigned to a wonderful person, a very attractive young man from Maryland. He was shy, but so was I, and I was almost instantaneously attracted to him. I had been determined for a long time that I was not going to date as a means of finding my husband. However, I moved away from that position when I was in Missouri. There was a young man at College of the Ozarks who I was also attracted to, but he made his move the day before I was returning the Oklahoma. So, I had never been on a date, and I was extremely inexperience on how to get a boy to ask me out. Here I am in Botany every day wishing that he would talk to me, wondering why it was that I was unsuccessful in my endeavor. I finished my class, gave my lab partner my phone number and said, "We should hang out sometime next semester." He replied that that sounded great and he'd give me a call. I never heard from him.
I began hanging out with my brother and some of his friends that next semester. They were everything that I promised myself I would never get involved with during high school. These people were sexually active, physically involved with each other, drinkers, smokers, etc. But something had changed in my life and I began to believe that experience was not a sin if I did not do it for the wrong reasons. I did not think that all of my brother's friends were making their choices for such careful though processes as I was, but there were a way of finding the experiences that I wanted to have. I went to a few of there parties and it was from my select social experiences in early 2005 that lead me to have my first party at my apartment.
It was the night of March 5th that we held my party. My friends brought great music, lots of alcohol, and a determination to remove the stick I had up my ass for a little too long. I drank a lot that night. It was the first time I was ever drunk. My friend brought a Hookah to my apartment, which I had smoked once before. It was the first thing I had ever smoked. I had my first cigarette and cigar that night. I flirted and flirted some more and by the end of the evening, one guy asked me out. I was getting somewhere. I was so happy in my success of widening my realm of social experience.
It was the following Monday that I was waiting in line for pizza that I met my first boyfriend. There is something about success with one guy that leads to sexual confidence that exudes and creates sexual success with a lot of people. I flirted and set up what would become my first date.
It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. We talked about books, movies, personal histories, and so one. We kept dating from walking dogs to playing racquetball, and I did everything in my power to hide my inexperience. I am not sure to what point this young man knew how inexperienced I was, but if he knew, he did not speak of it much.
Then it happened, the next major step, the first kiss. I have to say it was not lightening or fireworks. He was a little drunk and we had been talking on his bed when he said, "I want to do this before my buzz wears off." Then he kissed me. It turned into a rather long make out session, in which the entire time I was completely terrified. I had no idea what was going on, and I don't remember it that pleasantly. But, I remember thinking, "Hm, I could see how this could be fun if I developed some skill at it." So I did. I made out with him again a few days later. Shirts came off the next time and then I asked him if he would consider becoming exclusive with me. He agreed and I enjoyed practicing with him as frequently as possible, and I a found as time went on that I enjoyed myself thoroughly.
What I did not realize was the degree to which I attached myself to him. After a month of being with my first boyfriend, he broke up with me. I was stunned. I did not understand why it was that he had been interested in me and then he was suddenly not interested in me. I was devastated. I tortured myself thinking about it for the next couple of weeks. I got blackout drunk for the first time the weekend after we broke up. I was so sick that I sat in my French class the following day while the room spun around me incessantly. I returned home and crashed on the floor without moving for hours. The girl who is now my roommate was there at the time and she found it funny. That weekend was without a doubt the darkest in my life. Not only was I frustrated by my circumstances, but I allowed my circumstances to manipulate my ability to make good decisions. I have never done that since.
After the breakup, my first though was, "Well, dating sucks ass, I'm never doing that again," but that was short lived. Something had changed that could not be undone. I had not had sex, but I had certainly gone quite far sexually. It leaves an imprint on you, and, well, damn it, one will certainly want more after a time. I kissed a few guys here and there, and then it happened. I made out with a friend of mine one night while we were both pretty drunk. He thought we were going to go much farther than I thought we were going to go. However, I remembered the "next morning feeling" from my blackout night, and I was not going to make the same mistake twice. I stopped myself, and therefore him as well, and called it a night. I am pretty certain that he was unhappy about this, but it was not his right to have me if I did not want to give it.
My memory of this time frame is somewhat muddled. First off, let me state that I began partying since the party I first held. I would meet up with friends, drink a little and hang out. Now that I worked with people my own age, I would hang out and get drunk pretty frequently. I smoked cigarettes and cigars often then and had no qualms any longer about kissing people for the hell of it. I know I made out more innocently with several other guys after then. I also kissed a couple of girls, not to discover any sexual capacity within me, but because girls’ lips are not that different from guys, and hey, it's fun!
At some point, I began to believe that dating was a good idea again and started going out with some different men. I went out with several very amiable guys, but it was my co-worker that would sweep me off my feet. It all began with the question, "Do you like swinging?"
I wrote first dating Andey in the post "a couple of nights". Dating Andey was wonderful. I do not think he'll ever know that our relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to me for romance. It started off slowly, because I did not think it would go anywhere. He was a liberal, a Mormon, bicycle riding, hippyish sort of a guy without a lot of clear ambition in his life. He was focused on his mission for his church, but not really about a future career or intellectual achievements like I was. This is the last person in the world that I would ever consider having a long term relationship with. But he could date. And he was amazing at it.
He asked me out by walking up to me at one point and saying, "Do you like swinging?" I had no idea what that question entailed. It could mean a lot of things, but he meant it quite simply as going to a park and swinging. I agreed, and then I stood him up. I don't think I ever told him that I stood him up so I could smoke with my friends. Regardless, he was persistent and I entertained his persistence until we went out the first time.
He picked me up from my apartment with a new plan: He was going to take me to downtown Norman and we'd walk from building to building climbing the ladders to the roofs. I took my camera with me and we talked while I took pictures. Then we saw there was a Harvest moon and so we parked in the parking lot of the Norman Transcript and talked late into the night. It was so much fun! The next time we went out, he took me to Lake Thunderbird where we set off waterproof fireworks in the lake. Every time I was with him, we’d do something unique and exciting, and there was nothing physical about it. Finally, I realized our relationship was going to become something different when one night he told me how much he thought I was amazing and that he knew I was seeing other people, but that he just appreciated the time that he had with me. Andey had a way with words that made me feel as if I were the only thing he cared about in the world. Here’s some concept of what he would say to me. He posted this on his blog about me before we became official, before we had even been dating for some time:
“Hilarious, Sensitive, Adventurous. She knows I have a blog now, but she doesn't know where, So I'm going to post with continuing impunity. This woman is amazing. She's smart, confident, smart, fun, adventurous, smart, joyful, and gorgeous. I deserve someone like this, I really do. She probably deserves someone way better. I mean I'm a very strange mess.
I'm definetly taken back by her, you can tell you're taken back by a woman when the idea of her smiling or speaking seems like a glorious tribute to beauty and all poetry. The funny thing is, I don't feel exclusive. I'm spending time with someone I like a whole lot, but I don't see us going anywhere, and for the first time ever I prefer it that way. It's just a lot of fun without fear....”
I loved that feeling. And I agreed on the point on non-exclusivity and the notion that it wasn’t going anywhere, but it was great! It was poetry and adventure and romance and great kissing and everything else you want with a romantic partner.
I enjoyed it while I could, but eventually those differences that made a long term relationship impossible became illuminated each day we were together. Among many other things, his commitment to his religion, which is nothing to be ashamed of, limited our physical relationship. I became frustrated by this and longed to be with someone different. At first I thought I could just ignore it. But he would never go out with me when I continued my Norman social activities. Being drunk and unable to be with the guy you are dating is a dangerous thing. When I briefly made out with someone else while I was still with Andey, I knew it had to end. He deserved someone who treasured his lifestyle and the choices he made. I could not give that to him.
We broke up, rather gently, and that was the end of it. I have hardly spoke to him since, but his memory has shaped my romantic experience since then. How could it not? Any time someone says, “Hey, so do you want to, like, hang out some time or something?” my initial thought is, “It’s not ‘Do you like swinging?’” Since Andey, I have sort of seen this one person on and off. My relationship with this person, however, has been extremely limited by the fact that his style of dating does not have the same romance, passion, and excitement that I became so adjusted to.
Regardless of my success in finding a boyfriend, I have adopted this new strategy of finding an occasional make out partner. This is something that is still in the experimental stages, but it’s not doing too badly for me. The first person I made out with after Andey, absolutely no one in the world except for him knows about it. (Well, this guy may have told his current girlfriend.) I had to hang out with my friends the next day, and they did not even notice that I wore a scarf around my neck the whole day. I had a hickey and I did not want anyone to know lest they guess who it was. It was the farthest I had ever been with anyone before. We did not have sex, although it was certainly an option, and we did about everything else except for sex. It was strange, though, and I wouldn’t want to be in that same situation again. But it is done and I certainly gained a great deal of experience from it.
Since then, it seemed my romantic life had come to a stand still. I just sort of accepted that I was not going to date before I went to Italy and France. I am now working both Friday and Saturday nights and that has significantly affected my ability to hook up with anyone.
And then the strangest thing happened. I went to an event at OU about American culture and religion when one of my classmates came around to sit with me. As he approached me, I saw his friend; it was my Botany lab partner. Almost immediately, I thought, “You know, I wonder what would happen now that I have gotten some grip on this whole dating thing?” As it happens, he apparently regretted having never called me and wanted to date me now. How convenient. As soon as I agreed, though, he said something I did not expect, “I am not very experienced with dating.”
It’s almost comical, I think, the way this has worked out. I started dating because I believed (and still do believe) that I was not enjoying all the pleasurable experiences available to a person making rational and correct decisions in there life. I no longer believe that physical relations outside of marriage are sinful and they are fun to have, so I have them. My lab partner was one of the relationships I thought I had missed out on because of my inexperience at reeling men in, but as it turns out he was just as inexperienced as me. I had been attracted to him at the time when I was inexperienced, but now that I am experienced and he is not, I am no longer attracted to him. We dated a few times the last couple of weeks, and it was fun on some level. But I had to explain everything to him! He did not know what questions to ask to get to know me that would not imply that he was thinking about marriage. He did not know when was the right time to kiss me. He did not know that a couple of dates and some very basic physical contact such as holding hands and laying side by side does not mean that you are boyfriend and girlfriend. He dropped me off at my apartment while I was drunk and clearly eager to make out with anyone in sight without even walking me to my door. I wonder if he’ll ever know that after he dropped me off, I spent the next few hours flirting with one of my other friends in person, and two other friends over the phone!
A couple of nights back I ended up messing around with another one of my friends and it was a blast. At the end, I asked him, “Any complaints or suggestions?” I know this sounds like a horrible thing, but I usually ask because these are my friends and they always have constructive criticisms that make me better at what I do such as, “Don’t open your mouth so wide” or “Be louder” and so on and so forth. This time, though, my friend replied, “Hell no.” I was so proud.
On the note of thoughts after my activity with this person, things are very much in the air. It was so enjoyable that I want to do it again. At the same time, going back might suggest the beginning of a relationship and I am not certain that I want to begin a relationship with him.
I received an e-mail from my Botany lab partner. I broke the news to him a few days ago that things are not going to work out between us. I told him it was because we have a lack of common interests, which is true. I do not think that we share enough in common outside of just thinking that dating each other would be fun to justify me taking the time to teach him the ropes about relationships. He thinks he’s done something to offend me. He wants to know why things ended so quickly, and I don’t know what to tell him. Truth is that when I look at him I see the same person I was last year. I was eager to break with my rather sober activities, but I was a little late getting started as compared to my peers. It is definitely difficult breaking into the game, but if one is a quick learner, you can pull it off. I think I am going to tell him that it’s not going to work because he’s too inexperienced, but that he should keep at it. Learn from what I’ve told him so far and keep at it; it’s worth it! At the same time, I don’t want to make him feel that he is ill qualified to recommend himself to girls because he failed with me. I’m still trying to figure out what I am going to do and it is not easy.
So, why am I writing this? Because it’s March of 2006 and I can’t help thinking about March 2005 and everything that has happened since then. I have started dating, started smoking, start partying, started making out, started drinking, and so on. Somehow I am trying to process who I’ve become. This is a tribute to my victories and a study of my failures. It is a recognition of the things that I have learned and of the fact that there are still so many things to learn. Every once and a while, people need to take a step back from their lives and realize what is going on. If it’s not what they want it to be, then they should change their actions. If it is what they want it to be, then they should definitely pause before changing their actions.
So, I’ve taken my step back and let’s just say I think my actions are working quite well for me.
Hm, but that’s just with romance and sociability.
Now I need to think about politics, religion, school, and much more.
Those are other days.
I know you are going to anyway, so when you do, don't be upset that it is what I told you it was going to be.
In the Fall of 2004, I attend OU for the first time. I took Botany that semester, and the seating was set so that everyone would have the same lab partners every class. I was assigned to a wonderful person, a very attractive young man from Maryland. He was shy, but so was I, and I was almost instantaneously attracted to him. I had been determined for a long time that I was not going to date as a means of finding my husband. However, I moved away from that position when I was in Missouri. There was a young man at College of the Ozarks who I was also attracted to, but he made his move the day before I was returning the Oklahoma. So, I had never been on a date, and I was extremely inexperience on how to get a boy to ask me out. Here I am in Botany every day wishing that he would talk to me, wondering why it was that I was unsuccessful in my endeavor. I finished my class, gave my lab partner my phone number and said, "We should hang out sometime next semester." He replied that that sounded great and he'd give me a call. I never heard from him.
I began hanging out with my brother and some of his friends that next semester. They were everything that I promised myself I would never get involved with during high school. These people were sexually active, physically involved with each other, drinkers, smokers, etc. But something had changed in my life and I began to believe that experience was not a sin if I did not do it for the wrong reasons. I did not think that all of my brother's friends were making their choices for such careful though processes as I was, but there were a way of finding the experiences that I wanted to have. I went to a few of there parties and it was from my select social experiences in early 2005 that lead me to have my first party at my apartment.
It was the night of March 5th that we held my party. My friends brought great music, lots of alcohol, and a determination to remove the stick I had up my ass for a little too long. I drank a lot that night. It was the first time I was ever drunk. My friend brought a Hookah to my apartment, which I had smoked once before. It was the first thing I had ever smoked. I had my first cigarette and cigar that night. I flirted and flirted some more and by the end of the evening, one guy asked me out. I was getting somewhere. I was so happy in my success of widening my realm of social experience.
It was the following Monday that I was waiting in line for pizza that I met my first boyfriend. There is something about success with one guy that leads to sexual confidence that exudes and creates sexual success with a lot of people. I flirted and set up what would become my first date.
It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. We talked about books, movies, personal histories, and so one. We kept dating from walking dogs to playing racquetball, and I did everything in my power to hide my inexperience. I am not sure to what point this young man knew how inexperienced I was, but if he knew, he did not speak of it much.
Then it happened, the next major step, the first kiss. I have to say it was not lightening or fireworks. He was a little drunk and we had been talking on his bed when he said, "I want to do this before my buzz wears off." Then he kissed me. It turned into a rather long make out session, in which the entire time I was completely terrified. I had no idea what was going on, and I don't remember it that pleasantly. But, I remember thinking, "Hm, I could see how this could be fun if I developed some skill at it." So I did. I made out with him again a few days later. Shirts came off the next time and then I asked him if he would consider becoming exclusive with me. He agreed and I enjoyed practicing with him as frequently as possible, and I a found as time went on that I enjoyed myself thoroughly.
What I did not realize was the degree to which I attached myself to him. After a month of being with my first boyfriend, he broke up with me. I was stunned. I did not understand why it was that he had been interested in me and then he was suddenly not interested in me. I was devastated. I tortured myself thinking about it for the next couple of weeks. I got blackout drunk for the first time the weekend after we broke up. I was so sick that I sat in my French class the following day while the room spun around me incessantly. I returned home and crashed on the floor without moving for hours. The girl who is now my roommate was there at the time and she found it funny. That weekend was without a doubt the darkest in my life. Not only was I frustrated by my circumstances, but I allowed my circumstances to manipulate my ability to make good decisions. I have never done that since.
After the breakup, my first though was, "Well, dating sucks ass, I'm never doing that again," but that was short lived. Something had changed that could not be undone. I had not had sex, but I had certainly gone quite far sexually. It leaves an imprint on you, and, well, damn it, one will certainly want more after a time. I kissed a few guys here and there, and then it happened. I made out with a friend of mine one night while we were both pretty drunk. He thought we were going to go much farther than I thought we were going to go. However, I remembered the "next morning feeling" from my blackout night, and I was not going to make the same mistake twice. I stopped myself, and therefore him as well, and called it a night. I am pretty certain that he was unhappy about this, but it was not his right to have me if I did not want to give it.
My memory of this time frame is somewhat muddled. First off, let me state that I began partying since the party I first held. I would meet up with friends, drink a little and hang out. Now that I worked with people my own age, I would hang out and get drunk pretty frequently. I smoked cigarettes and cigars often then and had no qualms any longer about kissing people for the hell of it. I know I made out more innocently with several other guys after then. I also kissed a couple of girls, not to discover any sexual capacity within me, but because girls’ lips are not that different from guys, and hey, it's fun!
At some point, I began to believe that dating was a good idea again and started going out with some different men. I went out with several very amiable guys, but it was my co-worker that would sweep me off my feet. It all began with the question, "Do you like swinging?"
I wrote first dating Andey in the post "a couple of nights". Dating Andey was wonderful. I do not think he'll ever know that our relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to me for romance. It started off slowly, because I did not think it would go anywhere. He was a liberal, a Mormon, bicycle riding, hippyish sort of a guy without a lot of clear ambition in his life. He was focused on his mission for his church, but not really about a future career or intellectual achievements like I was. This is the last person in the world that I would ever consider having a long term relationship with. But he could date. And he was amazing at it.
He asked me out by walking up to me at one point and saying, "Do you like swinging?" I had no idea what that question entailed. It could mean a lot of things, but he meant it quite simply as going to a park and swinging. I agreed, and then I stood him up. I don't think I ever told him that I stood him up so I could smoke with my friends. Regardless, he was persistent and I entertained his persistence until we went out the first time.
He picked me up from my apartment with a new plan: He was going to take me to downtown Norman and we'd walk from building to building climbing the ladders to the roofs. I took my camera with me and we talked while I took pictures. Then we saw there was a Harvest moon and so we parked in the parking lot of the Norman Transcript and talked late into the night. It was so much fun! The next time we went out, he took me to Lake Thunderbird where we set off waterproof fireworks in the lake. Every time I was with him, we’d do something unique and exciting, and there was nothing physical about it. Finally, I realized our relationship was going to become something different when one night he told me how much he thought I was amazing and that he knew I was seeing other people, but that he just appreciated the time that he had with me. Andey had a way with words that made me feel as if I were the only thing he cared about in the world. Here’s some concept of what he would say to me. He posted this on his blog about me before we became official, before we had even been dating for some time:
“Hilarious, Sensitive, Adventurous. She knows I have a blog now, but she doesn't know where, So I'm going to post with continuing impunity. This woman is amazing. She's smart, confident, smart, fun, adventurous, smart, joyful, and gorgeous. I deserve someone like this, I really do. She probably deserves someone way better. I mean I'm a very strange mess.
I'm definetly taken back by her, you can tell you're taken back by a woman when the idea of her smiling or speaking seems like a glorious tribute to beauty and all poetry. The funny thing is, I don't feel exclusive. I'm spending time with someone I like a whole lot, but I don't see us going anywhere, and for the first time ever I prefer it that way. It's just a lot of fun without fear....”
I loved that feeling. And I agreed on the point on non-exclusivity and the notion that it wasn’t going anywhere, but it was great! It was poetry and adventure and romance and great kissing and everything else you want with a romantic partner.
I enjoyed it while I could, but eventually those differences that made a long term relationship impossible became illuminated each day we were together. Among many other things, his commitment to his religion, which is nothing to be ashamed of, limited our physical relationship. I became frustrated by this and longed to be with someone different. At first I thought I could just ignore it. But he would never go out with me when I continued my Norman social activities. Being drunk and unable to be with the guy you are dating is a dangerous thing. When I briefly made out with someone else while I was still with Andey, I knew it had to end. He deserved someone who treasured his lifestyle and the choices he made. I could not give that to him.
We broke up, rather gently, and that was the end of it. I have hardly spoke to him since, but his memory has shaped my romantic experience since then. How could it not? Any time someone says, “Hey, so do you want to, like, hang out some time or something?” my initial thought is, “It’s not ‘Do you like swinging?’” Since Andey, I have sort of seen this one person on and off. My relationship with this person, however, has been extremely limited by the fact that his style of dating does not have the same romance, passion, and excitement that I became so adjusted to.
Regardless of my success in finding a boyfriend, I have adopted this new strategy of finding an occasional make out partner. This is something that is still in the experimental stages, but it’s not doing too badly for me. The first person I made out with after Andey, absolutely no one in the world except for him knows about it. (Well, this guy may have told his current girlfriend.) I had to hang out with my friends the next day, and they did not even notice that I wore a scarf around my neck the whole day. I had a hickey and I did not want anyone to know lest they guess who it was. It was the farthest I had ever been with anyone before. We did not have sex, although it was certainly an option, and we did about everything else except for sex. It was strange, though, and I wouldn’t want to be in that same situation again. But it is done and I certainly gained a great deal of experience from it.
Since then, it seemed my romantic life had come to a stand still. I just sort of accepted that I was not going to date before I went to Italy and France. I am now working both Friday and Saturday nights and that has significantly affected my ability to hook up with anyone.
And then the strangest thing happened. I went to an event at OU about American culture and religion when one of my classmates came around to sit with me. As he approached me, I saw his friend; it was my Botany lab partner. Almost immediately, I thought, “You know, I wonder what would happen now that I have gotten some grip on this whole dating thing?” As it happens, he apparently regretted having never called me and wanted to date me now. How convenient. As soon as I agreed, though, he said something I did not expect, “I am not very experienced with dating.”
It’s almost comical, I think, the way this has worked out. I started dating because I believed (and still do believe) that I was not enjoying all the pleasurable experiences available to a person making rational and correct decisions in there life. I no longer believe that physical relations outside of marriage are sinful and they are fun to have, so I have them. My lab partner was one of the relationships I thought I had missed out on because of my inexperience at reeling men in, but as it turns out he was just as inexperienced as me. I had been attracted to him at the time when I was inexperienced, but now that I am experienced and he is not, I am no longer attracted to him. We dated a few times the last couple of weeks, and it was fun on some level. But I had to explain everything to him! He did not know what questions to ask to get to know me that would not imply that he was thinking about marriage. He did not know when was the right time to kiss me. He did not know that a couple of dates and some very basic physical contact such as holding hands and laying side by side does not mean that you are boyfriend and girlfriend. He dropped me off at my apartment while I was drunk and clearly eager to make out with anyone in sight without even walking me to my door. I wonder if he’ll ever know that after he dropped me off, I spent the next few hours flirting with one of my other friends in person, and two other friends over the phone!
A couple of nights back I ended up messing around with another one of my friends and it was a blast. At the end, I asked him, “Any complaints or suggestions?” I know this sounds like a horrible thing, but I usually ask because these are my friends and they always have constructive criticisms that make me better at what I do such as, “Don’t open your mouth so wide” or “Be louder” and so on and so forth. This time, though, my friend replied, “Hell no.” I was so proud.
On the note of thoughts after my activity with this person, things are very much in the air. It was so enjoyable that I want to do it again. At the same time, going back might suggest the beginning of a relationship and I am not certain that I want to begin a relationship with him.
I received an e-mail from my Botany lab partner. I broke the news to him a few days ago that things are not going to work out between us. I told him it was because we have a lack of common interests, which is true. I do not think that we share enough in common outside of just thinking that dating each other would be fun to justify me taking the time to teach him the ropes about relationships. He thinks he’s done something to offend me. He wants to know why things ended so quickly, and I don’t know what to tell him. Truth is that when I look at him I see the same person I was last year. I was eager to break with my rather sober activities, but I was a little late getting started as compared to my peers. It is definitely difficult breaking into the game, but if one is a quick learner, you can pull it off. I think I am going to tell him that it’s not going to work because he’s too inexperienced, but that he should keep at it. Learn from what I’ve told him so far and keep at it; it’s worth it! At the same time, I don’t want to make him feel that he is ill qualified to recommend himself to girls because he failed with me. I’m still trying to figure out what I am going to do and it is not easy.
So, why am I writing this? Because it’s March of 2006 and I can’t help thinking about March 2005 and everything that has happened since then. I have started dating, started smoking, start partying, started making out, started drinking, and so on. Somehow I am trying to process who I’ve become. This is a tribute to my victories and a study of my failures. It is a recognition of the things that I have learned and of the fact that there are still so many things to learn. Every once and a while, people need to take a step back from their lives and realize what is going on. If it’s not what they want it to be, then they should change their actions. If it is what they want it to be, then they should definitely pause before changing their actions.
So, I’ve taken my step back and let’s just say I think my actions are working quite well for me.
Hm, but that’s just with romance and sociability.
Now I need to think about politics, religion, school, and much more.
Those are other days.
posted by Jesi E. at 3/13/2006 01:20:00 AM
11 Comments:
There are so many wonderful things about the human experience. We have no claim on future moments, only the present. The hardest part about life, is learning to live for the moment (not wrecklessly)in spite of those who would limit, and in light of experience taken for granted in the past.
Love each moment as if it's your last; always maintain control over yourself, understand the source of your thoughts and actions.
"This is a tribute to my victories and a study of my failures. "
Just letting you know, I think you have the titles (Victories & Failures) over the wrong columns.
Just a little background, I became a Christian in college, and what I'm going to tell you is from my experience in high school, before I had a Christian worldview.
I didn't date hardly at all in high school, but I stood on the side and watched. I saw people that were inexperienced in dating get involved in 'almost sex' with those that were much more experienced and ending up with their hearts trashed by folks that just wanted to have some physical fun. I saw people that bounced around from thing to person to thing to person like they were looking for something, the next high, the next buzz, the next experience. What were they looking for? More than likely Acceptance. And they usually got it for a while.
I watched as girls got pregnant and went away, because it was a shameful thing back in the late 70's. I saw kids with promising futures toss it all away medicating their fears or washing it away with alcohol. I saw about half dozen of my classmates not live to celebrate the first anniversary of our graduation. One died when he passed out drunk driving, went off a bridge and was decapitated in the crash. 4 others, higher than kites, tried to outrun a train at a crossing. The one that lived, was barely pieced back together. So, yeah, getting drunk until you barf, pass out, or want to hump a lamp-post, may be fun for a while, but what does it REALLY get you?
My dad was a very moral man and one thing I learned was I was free to do whatever I wanted when I became an adult, but in that freedom I had a responsibility to myself and everyone that knew me. What we do does influence others. There was a ton of stuff I never did, either out of fear of getting caught or it wasn't enjoyable or whatever. There are also things that I have done that I am not proud of now, but at the time seemed right. I could rationalize it away because that is what we do, we rationalize to get what we want. Years later, I can't even begin to support that rationalization. Some of what I did impacted other people's lives. I may or may not have known it was sin in my life, but it also may or may not have been sin in their life. How much of a moral crime is it to lead another astray?
You talked about Andey and this really jumped out at me "Andey had a way with words that made me feel as if I were the only thing he cared about in the world.". Compare that to "I also kissed a couple of girls, not to discover any sexual capacity within me, but because girls’ lips are not that different from guys, and hey, it's fun!" I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "My relationship with this person[not Andey], however, has been extremely limited by the fact that his style of dating does not have the same romance, passion, and excitement that I became so adjusted to." It appears that you have traded in romance for sex, excuse me, 'almost sex'. You have traded in a guy that writes wonderful things about you for the type of guy that wants to kiss you "before my buzz wears off". And now, you are looking down your nose at those that are less experienced than you (now that I am experienced and he is not, I am no longer attracted to him). I guess that's better than viewing them as conquests and taking their innocence away.
And dear, dear Mr. Galt chimes in, patting you on the head, whispering the platitudes of 'having experience' into your ear. I don't know Galts gender/age/experience. I do know of his longwindedness (of which it appears that I have been storing up my own for this very moment) and I must say that the most high ex-Galted one is not speaking to you in your best interests. Ya know, Jes, we DO have a claim on future moments, they are called dreams and there are times when we can lose sight of those dreams, think that they are unattainable and we cash in the future for the present. Galt does toss in a caveat of learning to live for the moment (but not recklessly) in spite of limitations imposed by others, but isn't Galts own warning a limitation imposed by HIM? These Galt-isms are not unlike the dreaded Sphinx in Mystery Men where talking in circles was to be construed as wisdom. I will agree with John G. when he/she/it when they say "always maintain control over yourself.", but that's pretty hard to do when your main source of recreation consists of using artificial means to destroy any & all inhibitions, be they good or bad.
A heck of a lot has changed in 30 years since I left high school. Mostly the methods that people use to be exactly like people were 30 years ago. Folks want to be different and want to rebel. A lot of times this difference and rebellion is aimed at their parents, so people end up being different(just like everyone else) and they end up surrounding themselves with people that agree with them (but then again, who doesn't? It's always a feel-good safe spot). It takes a hell of a lot more courage to stand up to a culture than it does to a family. I hope that you can, I know that you used to.
I do know the mentality that can lead to trying the 'forbidden things'. I was there. I was scared I would never have sex and wondered how I could get a good hooker (but cheap, you know me). But I eventually realized that there are some things that are to be experienced to their own time, and other things are to never be experienced (at least willingly). You shouldn't get ahead of yourself and you should never again sell yourself short. It sounds like you have on both counts, but that doesn't mean you have to continue.
You know I love ya like a daughter and I hope that I haven't insulted you. Don't be insulted by the next line, it's given in love, it's short so it's not confusing.
Dry out,
wise up,
and
grow up.
PS. I never was offended by your post, just saddened. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know.
Mr. Canoe Guy...I think I will call you DCG. I hope you don't mind.
We are two up-right walking apes on a twirling ball of rock and gas, which circles a giant nuclear ball of gas, our world sliding in between other crags of rock on its elliptical solar path. Millions of men on our rock die every day, and eventually all that live today, will be dead a few tomorows away. Nothing is entirely certain, and neither are many tomorows we have. We live, we experience, we die, but if there is something beyond that we have no knowledge of it; only a hope that whatever religious document one has deemed to be the best mirror of a rational universe, portrays a true revelation from a higher being, and guarantees something beyond narcrosis of the flesh.
All we have, and all we will ever have is this very moment. Because the next moment is uncertain. The next moment might be death. Because our moments are numbered, because all we have is this human experience for a finite time, the best one can do is to live fully and consciously in every moment toward some state of perpetual happiness.
Dreams are not a claim on future moments. Dreams are mental concept of how to mold each current moment for a better eventual outcome. With dreams or not, no days are added to our number. We still die when we die.
You speak of the kids in highschool who drowned themselves in the tabooed...alchohol, sex, drugs, money. I also knew the ones who drowned themselves in puritanical guilt and confusion about living. Both classes of kids were taught basically the same christian dogma, the same culturally accepted window dressing. Instead of being taught that each of them deserved to live, and was capable of doing so, that happiness is a just purpose, and that one's judgement should always be the keeper of these things...the tool of survival as it has been for man for millenia...taught to live life...they were taught that man is naturally evil and sinful...that he should not sin, though he will always anyway, and that guilt is simply a necesary part of the attempted moral life....that faith and popular myth are the tools that should be used.
Some weren't taught anything, and had to figure things out entirely from experience. Most of those kids seemed to eventually become the most stable.
All men are different; some repelled to opposite poles of the spectrum of action, and others were so confused they stayed in the middle stepping a tip-toe out when they felt brave enough. This creates confused, and self-destructive people. Just as you said...you were scared to live...and it sounds as if you have regrets locked away.
As far as romance, love, sex and infatuation go: Man is physical and intellectual creature. No successful romantic relationship can exist without both. Physical expression and gratification are simply to necesary for self-esteem, for assurance of mutual affection, and as an outlet of happiness. I don't nearly have the time to elucidate on this. However, you can't honestly believe that two people who live by different value systems, unable to physically express themselves, could romantically succeed. I don't see that as likely.
A relationship I had with a beautiful young girl has ended recently. It didn't end well, though the ending isn't entirely written. I wouldn't give those three months up for anything. The ecstatic sense of life...the joy of unspeakable moments...never.
Looking into eyes, staring deep into your own...reflecting your smiles more clearly than mouths ever could...I wouldn't deny that to anyone.
I was accused of wrongly patting the author on the back, of approving of her lifestyle. I approve of her using her judgement to explore the possibilities of her own life...because any deviation from puritanical doctrine will lead to horrible things in life, and afterward.
I believe those who refuse to live for themselves, on their own terms, by their own judgement, vicariously through a contorted religious doctrine, will generally fail at living. I look around and thats what I see with my eyes. I had to teach myself to trust them because no one else knew how.
When I advocate living for the experience of the moment...when I advocate happiness as a purpose...I do so knowing the author and I both understand, that such a life is to be guided by reason and logic, with emotion telling you about yourself...not hedonistic pursuit of the next chemical buzz. Feeling good is not the measure of life. Man is the measure of his own.
If it seems that I have any type of affinity for the author, it's due to the fact that we are not so disimilar people from what I can tell. If I seem long-winded...then I suppose I will go find a blog to post on. If the things I say seem like platitudes whispered from the serpents mouth to the woman's ear...then prayer would be your best tool...not this.
You seem to care about the author a great deal...you stated some things that most would not prefer to do. That at least is commendable in some way.
Mr. Galt, I figure the best way to respond is to reply paragraph by paragraph. That way I won't get lost & confused.
Paragraph 1: You can call me DCG, or even DtCG, I don't mind
Paragraph 2: As the esteemed Jethro Bodine once said "Thet's sum purty writin'". No disrespect intended, no reponse needed.
Paragraph 3: All we ever will have is this very moment? John, I have sympathy for your (even though I would bet you neither want it nor value it). I'm not talking about any spiritual matters here, nothing outside this realm of Earth. This second is all you have? True, the next moment might be death. But if the best we can do is obtain some state of perpetual happiness, I want to let you know that it cannot be done. Not perpetual, no way. Since happiness is the goal and we know that we will fall short, since we know that pain and suffering are to be avoided, and since we know that we will die, why not just pick a happy moment and kill ourselves? That way we will have achieved the happiness, bypassed the pain, and we will have fulfilled our moments.
Paragraph 4: Dreams and ambitions ARE a claim on the future. They are not a guarantee. They are not unlike staking a claim in a gold rush or a landrun. It is a claim, but steps must be taken before that claim is fulfilled and the reward becomes yours. I think that even you believe in some sort of dream or ambition or a promise of fulfillment from the future, otherwise how do you trust your employer to give you a check two weeks from now for the work you do today? I do agree that dreams do not add any days to the number that we have. There is very little, if anything, that we can do to add to that number. However, there is quite an awful lot that we can do to cut short those days.
Paragraph 5: You mention kids that were taught the "same christian dogma, the same culturally accepted window dressing". Do you mean that the dogma and window dressing are one in the same, that they are equally interchangable? Back in the 70's there existed a gulf between these two and I feel that in parts of the US today, the gulf is even wider. I have a hard time completely accepting this concept that happiness is a just purpose. Maybe I should say I can't accept that happiness is the most just purpose.
There is nothing wrong with happiness, but there are other things that supercede that goal. Quite often when I hear folks defend their actions in the pursuit of happiness I think of small children that are unable to see beyond themselves and what they want to fulfill their needs. It takes a lot of maturity to get past that (please note that I said maturity, not age. The two are not mutually inclusive) and that level of maturity can actually flucuate from day to day (heck, minute to minute).
As for man being naturally evil? I don't see us agreeing here. I'm assuming that you do not hold to any religion that I am aware of, but you seem convinced you are thoroughly schooled in Christianity. I can't discuss your credentials. Also, for me, the concept of man is basically good/evil is usually answered by observing the survival instinct. People will sometimes do whatever they can to get whatever they want. Children, even babies, can be seen doing this (screaming "MIIIIIIINNNNEEE" is the first thing to come to mind). This selfishness can be viewed as good or bad, depending on if you are on the side of survival of the fittest/fulfillment of happiness or if you are on the side of providing for others/delayed gratification. I don't see that arguement being settled here.
Paragraph 6: "some weren't taught anything" I have yet to meet a person that was not taught anything. If you know of one, I'd like to meet them. I teach my children through my inactions as well as my actions. I teach through my silence as well as my verbal instruction.
Paragraph 7: The fear that I mentioned was the fear of getting caught, not the fear of living. Let me explain. I knew that if I came home drunk I would receive an "ass-whoopin'". Now I had never actually SEEN an ass-whoopin take place, but knowing my father, I could only assume that it was not something that I wished to be on the receiving end of. I was weighing the POSSIBILITY of enjoying being drunk against the PROBABILITY of not enjoying an ass-whoopin. The latter outweighed the former in my eyes. When I was on my own, the ass-whoopin was replaced by other things, the external control system that my father used kept me safe until I was able to determine my own control system. These things were results that I witnessed from my friends getting drunk. You see, I did believe in a future and quite often I bypassed the now for the future (there have been several times I have lived for the moment and not all of them have worked out for the best). Several of my friends took part in the happiness of the moment by getting roaring drunk. I did not. Do I have regrets?
Do I regret not getting so drunk the night before my wedding that two friends had to pull my head out of the toliet to keep me from drowning? Hmmm, no.
Do I regret not being so blind drunk that I spent my wedding day wondering if I had sex with that waitress, like my friends told me I had? no.
Do I regret not being drunk, having a bug land in my hair, freaking out and go running outside only to slam my face into a garage wall and pass out? no
Do I regret not getting drunk, getting mad in a Pizza Hut, getting into a fight and then having a full pitcher of beer smashed into my face and then being rushed to the hospital for several stitches? hmmmmmmmm, well, hmmm, no.
Do I regret not getting drunk and sitting in a college course with my head throbbing in pain with the whole world spinning around me? nope.
Do I regret not getting so drunk that I couldn't remember who I made out/had almost sex/sex with the night before? Let me think, I want to be sure. No, wait, no, it's still no.
The regrets I have locked away are about the lies that I told, the things that I stole, the trust that other people had in me which I destroyed seeking my own temporary happiness. I looked as far as my own enjoyment and did what I wanted. If I did look at the future possible impact I would find a way to rationalize it. They won't find out, who's it gonna hurt, I deserve some 'me' time, it's fun, I may be dead tomorrow.
Paragraph 8: We agree, man is physical & intellectual. We disgaree, a romantic relationship can exist without the physical. How do you explain people that are unable to perform sexually having a successful marriage? How about people that don't even kiss until their wedding day? Are they the exception? Most definately, and usually these people are admired for their devotion, commitment, and love. Of course I don't expect that it's easy, but to some people, their devotion to another is much greater than their own fulfillment of happiness. You said "you can't honestly believe that two people who live by different value systems, unable to physically express themselves, could romantically succeed." I have to agree, but with a stipulation. I don't honestly believe that two people with different value systems, no matter how earth-shattering the sex and physical expression is, could romantically succeed. The sex and the capacity for physical enjoyment will go away, then what are you left with? The only thing that sex has to do with romance is that it is an expression of romance. You can have romance without sex and the romance is still good, for a long long time. You can have sex without romance and the sex can be good, but not for very long.
Paragraph 9 & 10: You mention having the memories of this past relationship. Does this contradict your ealier statement of "All we have, and all we will ever have is this very moment."? If there is no future and all we have is now, why would you want to remember the past? I agree that the memories are a good valid thing to have. If having memories of the fun we have is good, why would you then advocate to Jes that it is desirable to get drunk and have fun to the point that you can't remember the fun you had?
Let's run a short scenario. I go to a party. I laugh, joke, have fun, play games. The next day I remember the fun I had and that brings me enjoyment. I've HAD the fun (the now) and I still HAVE the fun (the past)
OR I go to a party. I laugh, drink, joke, drink some more, have fun, drink, drink, ............The next day I wake up where I passed out. My jack-ass roommate thinks it's funny to laugh at my headache and they chortle when I realize I fell asleep in my own vomit. I've HAD the fun (the now) but I don't still have the fun (the past) because I can't remember it and on top of that I have the non-fun of the headsplitting vomit wallowing 'now' that I'm currently in. Monty, I think I'll stick with what's behind curtain number 1, thank you.
I know that is a drastic example, but even a toned down version makes my point. Why get drunk to where you can't remember shit?
Paragraph 11: I may have wrongly judged your intent on your original comment. Honestly, it's hard to tell just what you are saying half the time (kinda like reading Poe in Russian). A communcation skill I once learned was to rewrite what someone has written to see if you understand it. Let me try with this paragraph:
"DtCG, you were wrong to say that I approve of what Jes is doing. I approve of her using her wisdom to learn things for herself .. because she has been taught that if she does anything outside of what the Puritans deemed acceptable, such as; the basic sinfullness of man, God saves some people through the righteousness of His son Jesus Christ despite the sin of those people, the uncertainty of one's destiny, the belief of a democratic society, simplicity of worship, self-denial, the grace of God is freely given and cannot be earned or denied, the value of a strong education; will lead to horrible things happening to her in this life and in whatever afterlife she may or may not believe in. I think that these values that her parents have placed in her are silly and dangerous and she should shed herself of them." I should note that I did research what the basic Puritan beliefs were, I didn't want to assume that you had not done likewise and were using words like "puritanical" and "dogma" just for the impact of their current negative stigma.
I agree that Jes should use good judgement. I find it hard to understand how one is to use good judgement when one partakes of activities that impairs that judgement. How can you use the brains you have when being drunk disables (while drunk) a large portion of that brain? Please explain how getting drunk is good judgement. Drunk, not drinking, drunk. I have nothing against drinking, I have a lot against getting drunk.
Paragraph 12: I think I may have also missed the point here. Let me restate:
You believe that people that refuse to live for themselves, refuse to live on their own terms, refuse to live by their own judgement, but do live vicariously through a contorted religious doctrine, these people will fail at living. You look around and that what you see. You had to learn to trust them (??? your eyes?) because no one else knew how (to trust their eyes? to trust your eyes? to live for themselves? I'm not being mean, I'm trying to understand)
Paragraph 13: It is a rare person that can divorce hedonism, happiness, and emotion. Hedonism is the pursuit of pleasure, especially pleasure of the senses. This usually results in happiness, which is an emotion. You say feeling good is not the measure of life, but until now you have been telling me that the happiness of the moment is what is important. You say man is the measure of his own. If you mean that a person is the standard by which they measure themselves, then everyone will reach that standard. "I am what I am" worked for Popeye (of course, "I am" worked for God). I think more of myself than using myself as my own standard. I have the standard of my family, my community, my friends and God (since we don't agree on Him, feel free to leave Him out of your rebuttal)
Paragraph 14: Hey, birds of a feather flock together. As far as being longwinded, that's no crime. You just post about 3276% more than the normal comments on blogs. It's not bad, just different. Also, I don't remember comparing you to a serpent and I meant platitude in the sense of the triteness of "live for the moment". Also, why should I simply sit back on prayer and not voice my concerns to Jes? Since it appears that you place no value on prayer, I take that comment to the equal to "Sit down and shut up." That, John, would be a crime against humanity. Too often I have sat on my hands, embarrassed about what to say, feeling that I wasn't intelligent enough to offer anything of worth. I have watched women leave their husbands to fulfill their own happiness in the arms of another woman, I have seen men walk out on their children because of wanting their own happiness, I saw alcoholism kill person after person after person and destroy the families along with it. And I kept my mouth shut through it all.
Jesi is a wonderful young woman, one of the smartest, well-spoken people that I know. She has guts, determination and a strength of will that a lot of people will never have. When I think of her trading that in for the 'fun' of getting drunk (along with the visions of her having either killed someone in a car accident or being killed herself, hey, I'm a 44 year old parent, it comes with the territory) I am more than happy to stand up, get in her face with all the love I can muster, and look her, and anybody else that is siding with her in this destructive behavior, straight in the eye, and reason with her/them about this.
This is stupid self-destructive behavior, Jes. John talks about repression, but who is more repressed, the person that can be themselves and live with the acceptance or denial of those around them, or the person that conforms to the crowd that wishes to "get the stick out of my ass"? I've been around both, I've even been both.
I have been toying with the idea of responding to this series of posts for a few days. There are many reasons why I initially hesitated - as many of you know, I am Ms B&W's mom. My arguments have, in the past, been discounted b/c of my connection. I even uncovered some long repressed familial brouhaha...(::shot across the bow:: if you have something to say, some disagreement, say it!) But, I digress...
I ask those who read my comments to understand my connection but to take my comments at face value. Now, to the point.
Those who really know me know I am far from puritanical. I am a believer and follower of Jesus and am fairly well versed in His teachings. When I was a young girl of 14, a very good friend of mine spoke to me what I believe was a life-changing idea - God gave us a guide for living because He loves us. He's not some white-haired, old man sitting on some throne hurling lightning bolts our way. Sin is a clear way of defining that which is harmful - paraphrased scripture - to know what is right and to not do it is sin.
My husband and I discouraged dating while our children were children because dating, affairs of the heart, physical/emotional connections are all adult activities that require more maturity than a 16 year old possesses. Sex, and all that leads up to it, is a wonderful, miraculous gift of God that should be heartly enjoyed to the fullest. But, out of place, without the proper protections, it can kill you. and others.
Ms B&W told me just the other day that it is very difficult and extremely expensive to obtain a driver's license in Europe. One must be 18 and have gone through rigorous training. They understand that driving a 2000 pound vehicle is serious business - enjoyable, wonderful even, but definately not for kids. Relationships are the same way.
Now you are an adult. Your parents are extremely proud of you and, even in this process, we are impressed with your thoughtfulness and desire to explore life. Keep it up. Life is a wonder! There are some things, though, that must be said. Your sweet dad last night offered some words of caution. Remember, baby girl, some young men will think they can go farther than you'd like them to go.
You've told me you have no intention of going beyond having fun until you are ready. Fair enough - we all must set our own boundries. But, at the same time, you are talking about making-out while chemically altered. So, how will you know when you've reached those boundries? And, how far will things have progressed before you become aware? Back to my vehicle discussion - in the best of circumstance, it takes all one's concetration to drive and avoid crazy people who seem hell-bent on careening into your vehicle and those pesky brige abutments. Even the best drivers, when tested after drinking or doing drugs, think they are in control when they are not. They are going faster, and have gone much farther than they realize. One time, one mistake is all it takes. You could end up killing yourself and others.
Toggling back again, one time, one mistake of judgement and things could be out of your control. Unplanned pregnancy, STDs - profoundly life-altering consequences.
Besides the above, why is it that people will do things when they are drunk or high that they would never do sober? Because they are temporarily altered - that is the point of the activity. Follow me here - why is it that the same people will say being drunk or high would never lead to bad judgement? Maybe I need to be drunk or high to see the logic...
I cannot chose your path. I would not even try for I would be a hypocrite. I just think combining the desire to not be a 'stick/ass' kind of person (who defines stick/ass and why allow someone else to define you in any way?), chemicals, and hormones (we all have them!) could bring about some potentially destructive results.
If you are going to explore all the wonders of God's creation, why be fuzzy and out of focus? Why explore them with the next available guy? Why not thoughfully chose your companion, whether it is a long trip or a short excursion.
Jane has reawaked. Jane is my computer, whose wireless card does recently decided not to get along with my parents' wireless network. As I have been at my parents' house for most of this Spring Break, it has hampered my ability to respond to these comments as they have come out. But now Jane has returned to her Black Eyed Angel (my wireless network here at home) and I am going to respond.
**Bonus Points to anyone who can tell me why I would name my computer "Jane" and where "Black Eyed Angel" comes from**
As I type up my posts in a rush, I am always nervous to post on such senstive topics. Sometmes, however, I feel that I need to discuss these ideas and that, even if I can't spend days editing and redrafting my position, I should still post these ideas. I have argued with myself since January about this post. At length, and at the advice of my brother, I posted it. Later my brother withdrew his advice, but it was posted and now here we are.
I am very happy with the three people who have chosen to respond. Dwayne, who himself and his wife have been a wonderful influence on my life. They represent the values I was raised in and the caution of the Christian culture that I identify myself with, and frequently disagree with.
John Galt, who represents the secular and scientific culture that I also identify with, and frequently disagree with. I find his identity to be in interesting factor in this whole debate. If he is who I think he is, I have no doubt that he cares very much for my personal safety and security. If I don't think he is who I think he is, I find his continual reappearance on my blog to be a representation of our affinity in thinking.
Finally, my mother, who has been without a doubt my greatest mentor and my best friend. I find her the most open minded of all the adults I know, but at the same time, I am not certain that she is as open minded as I would like to be myself.
Good news is I have found something about everything that everybody has said that I agree with. Bad news is I have found something about everything that everybody has said that I think is either wrong or is merely a misinterpretation of my statements. I wrote this post as a glipse of my last year of my life. What is important is that I framed it with my perspective and a point.
I am going to rediscuss Andey, because I think this is a point of a lot of confusion. I consider my relationship with Andey to be my greatest triumpth in romance. My kissing someone else when I was with him was on of my greatest failures. Dwayne, you said that I appear to have traded romance for "almost" sex. I did not break up with Andey because our physical relationship wasn't going anywhere. It was a problem "among other things". There were many, MANY, other issues that, like I said, became illuminated the longer we are together. His being Mormon was a big issue. It was difficult knowing that we did not worship God in the same way and form, and that I could never accept his form of religion.
However, notice that the guy who wrote poetry came after Mr. Let's-Do-This-Before-My-Buzz-Wears-Off. I have not had a boyfriend since Andey because of the fact that I know what I deserve now and I am not going to accept anything less. It's interesting, though, that I considered my first boyfriend someone I would marry, and Andey was someone I would never marry. It was my relationship with Andey, though, that set my expectations for what I actually expect in a long term relationship, specifically someone I would marry. That's my whole point is that when I was so certain that dating was a bad thing, I was sure that I was capable of know what I wanted in a partner. I found him, and he turned out to be a jackass. It's only through casual practice that I've learned how to distinguish between a good romancer and a bad one. The new relationship, which was with someone who agreed with me more in lifestyle (Christian, conservative) and life choices(school and career focused with social life important, but still very much on the side), ended because he did not make me feel treasured and desired the way that Andey did. So, it's exactly the opposite. I really have given up making out for the hope of a relationship that is intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually fulfilling.
Mr. Inexperienced I've turned down for his inexperience in more than simply the romantic category (though that's almost enough.) He is socially quite different from me, we have some similiar interests, but not enough to fill the time we have together, and he is quite a bit more quiet and subdued than is good for any man trying to get involved with me. I'm sure it is quite evident from this blog that I shy man is unlikely to keep me interested. That said, I think a lot of these problems stem from the fact that he is not very experienced socially.
That said, when you find a man who can give me those last three things, let me know. I haven't found him yet.
So, in the mean time, I'm enjoying finding intellectual, emotional, and spiritual fulfillment from my friends and family. But that leaves one area of my life rather lacking: physical relations. Here is the big question: is it wrong for me to get involved physically with someone who I'm not thinking long term with while I am waiting for the person who is my match? My answer is no. Here's how I go about it:
1) I think there is a great deal of experience that makes each later relationship easier to handle when you've already duked it out with someone else.
2) I am only getting involved with people who I am friend with, who I respect, but who have certain qualities that would not make it beneficial for us to make it a long term relationship. (Personality differences, interest differences, age differences, etc.)
3) The other person understands point #2 and reciprocates.
4) I know their character well enough to trust them not to push me any farther than I want to go, and to know how to tell me "no" if they do not wish to go any further.
I do it because it makes me feel happy and because without doing it I become frustrated on a lot of levels. I do it for the same reason I eat chocolate rather than carrots, wear satin rather than cotton, dye my hair brown rather than leaving it its natural color, invited my friends over to watch a movie rather than watching it by myself. I understand that the choice of sexual relations is much more weighted than coloring my hair, and so I give it much more consideration.
I think, Dwayne, that you are under the impression that my substance use is much worse than it is. I've only been black out drunk twice. Both times, I was in a protected situation where the people I was surrounded by would keep me in a safe place. I surround myself with buffers so that I cannot easily make choices that would be harmful for me. In the last 6 months, I've been vomiting drunk maybe twice. When I drink, I drink enough to have a change in my activity, but not enough to violently inhibit my inhibitions. That's the difference between drinking as an adult and drinking as a teenager.
I have also been offered the opportunity of doing everything from mushrooms to cocaine to ecstasy, and I have consistently turned them down. These are things that I have no idea how they will affect my body and I refuse to roll the dice and see if it comes out positive.
To believe, though, that the sort of relationship I've outlined above implies natural negative consequences and is stupid self-destructive behavior does not seem to be correct. I appreciate your concern, and I understand that it came from a misunderstanding of my statements and an uncertainty of my actual activity.
I know you feel that I am giving into culture, but I actually feel like I'm standing up to it. It really comes down to what culture we're referring to. Are we referring to the Southern Christian culture found here in Oklahoma that believes that sex should not be mentioned in public and that physical relations of any kind are outright wrong. Well, I am a modernized Christian, and I believe that the chaste outlines that are sometimes found in the Bible are practical for the natural world as it exists today. This is not to say the Bible is wrong, but the Bible should always be taken in context of the period it was written. Times have changed and I think this means more sexual freedom.
Or perhaps you are talking about the Hollywood popular culture that encourages men and woman to engage in sexual relations regardless of the people you are involved with. Well, if there is one thing I believe, it's that your sexual preference is a reflection of your esteem for yourself. If you don't mind banging everything in sight, regardless of how it reflects on you as an individual, so be it. But everyone knows exactly what that means about your character.
It's 5 o'clock and I've been writing for a while. I may come back to respond to more, but I think this should help considerably.
John Galt, please send me an e-mail letting me know who you are - msblackandwhite@sbcglobal.net. If I know you, I want to know that it's you who is writing this. If I don't know you, I want to get to know you. I am about two straws on the camels back from disallowing anonymous commenters on my site because it is so infuriating that you respond to almost every blog and I don't know who you are. You know who I am. Do me the favor of allowing me the same privaledge. I promise not to reveal any thing you tell me about yourself on this blog, but for myself this would be a great relief.
Jane and Black Eyed Angel?
I know that Black Eyed Angel is a goth-rock band...and Jane's Addiction is a band that has had connection to Flaming Lips...FLs being a band you've mentioned before.
Bzzz, wrong.
Hint: Jane is a character from a book. There is a reason it makes sense that I named a computer after her. What series does she come from?
Black Eyed Angel is from a song by one of my top five favorite bands of all time. The song is something you find in Egypt. What is the band?
Jane is Ender's virtual companion. The song is "The Pyramid Song" by Radiohead.
Very nice, anonymous. You win today.
Anonymous wins because I forgot to sign. That bastard.
(And yes, I really do have too much free time. You can only catch so many terrorists a day...and once you've seen a crappy version of every American movie ever made...)
Josh
Post a Comment
<< Home