The Silence Ends.

As many of you know, I will be in Italy from tomorrow until July 20th. (I'm leaving today for Dallas, plane tomorrow to Italy.) You can keep up with my adventures (Italy and, later, France) at msblackandwhiteeurope.blogspot.com.

I look forward to hearing from all of you at that spot.

Vous comprenez?

If you didn't get the last post, click here.

Bonjour, Tout Le Monde!

Je n'écrivais pas souvent et je suis désolée. Je pensais d'étudier en Europe et je ne pensais pas de vivre ici. J'ai créé un blog pour mes voyages étrangers. C'est msblackandwhiteeurope.blogspot.com. S'il vous plaît, allez-là. Parfois, j'écrirai en français et en italien, mais, pour les premiers mois, j'écrirai en anglais. Maintenant, mon français n'est pas très bien, mais ce sera mieux après j'aurai étudié pour un mois ou deux en France.

Souhaitez-moi la bonne chance!

Happy Four Twenty

May you enjoy it more than my homework will allow me to.

The Dark Legacy of the Bible in Africa.

I'm reading the book "The Construction of Nationhood" by Adrian Hastings. This week I'm reading about the influence of evangelism on the creation of ethnic identities in Africa. It's really interesting.

Before colonization, there were many places in Africa that did not have a written language. When language is no written, there are no standard rules and so the "language" varies considerably more than what we think of as languages. In Africa, an oral language would have many dialects and would vary from location to location. The economic and cultural situation did not necessitate a written language, so they didn't have one. But then came the missionaries, and how are they supposed to convert these people if they can't give them a Bible? So, these dedicated missionaries begin trying to learn the languages. They record the grammar structures, and create dictionaries. When they think they've got a grasp of it, they make a Bible. The only problem was that they were usually learning the language from a limited number of people and so when the final copy was written, the language might make sense in that specific area, but walk 30 minutes away and it's no longer useful. So, the missionaries would use the language as long as they could and when it no longer made sense, they'd start the whole process over again. But many of these languages were closely connected and the people who spoke them closely connected. By making their specific dialect a language, though, the missionaries inadvertently created an identity. Now two groups of people, who might belong to a similar identity, were now two separate groups.

"What's the big deal?" I hear you thinking. Well, language is something that is closely associated with national identity. Think about it. We're furious because there are so many people in the U.S. that don't speak English well if they speak it at all. The French are furious because American globalization is englishifying the French language.

Well, a very long time ago Europe went through a period of time where it published texts and oral languages gave way to written languages. However, it was a very long process. Centuries went by as different groups of people clustered towards French or Italian or whatever. In Africa, however, the process was rushed because the eternal souls of these people depended on it. So, rather than a slow evolution of eliminating dialects and flocking to a central tongue, missionaries recognized every single dialect. The result was an overabundance of languages, and therefore an overabundance of national and ethnic identities. One of the greatest complaints about Africa is that there are so many different kinds of people there, how can we possibly have them get along? Well, that's the fault of the missionaries and other groups like them who created identities from a sense of urgency and convenience rather than allowing Africa to develop identities and nations on its own.

Now, however, it's too late. These new identities are so ingrained into the way of life there that the old identities, loose as they were, no longer exist. The great challenge of Africa will be to shrug off the identities given to them by the missionaries and begin merging together with some of the other nation groups around them. Imagine, though, for a moment how difficult that is. Think if someone told you that you had to shrug off your American identity and try to become Mexican because some people messed up a few hundred years ago and made you separate when you shouldn't have been.

Madness.

Lend the Chick Your Thoughts.

My mother has been diligently blogging and has been having some slow responses. I'm going to remind you all that you should take a look at her blog and jump in every once and a while. She would dearly appreciate it.

winetravelandmusings.blogspot.com

Today she's discussing the guest worker debate of Mexicans in the U.S. Hmmm....

All the hope in my life has been sucked away.

You have no idea how difficult this semester has been for me. I've spent the semester studying the hopelessness of the human situation, and I can hardly stand it. I began the semester by studying the Bosnian War and the War against Kosovo. At the same time, I was learning how democracy is failing across the world for the opportunity of intolerant religious groups to obtain dominant political structures. I've learned that the colonization of Africa, the Middle East and Asia has left these countries with a model political structure of violence and intolerance. I've discovered that the U.S. has made foreign affairs decisions that effectively destroys any opportunity of aiding instable countries to obtain stability. I've learned that children today are being forced to fight in civil wars, women are risking rape on a daily basis to secure food for their family, and if the U.S., Europe or the UN attempted to do something about it, we would be killed.

I need some chocolate.

My professors criticize their students when we try to hope that there are solutions, we just have to keep fighting for them. They laugh and say snidely, "Well, that's optimistic!" I know they do it because they don't want us to underestimate the complexity of these issues, but sometimes I wish they would give us hope that by studying these issues and being open-minded, we will be rewarded with the solutions.

The Despair After the Wait.

I remember learning that someone was going to make a live action version of the Lord of the Rings several year before the movies came out. It was one of the films that I would check up on every couple of weeks to see if this film could possibly be a fraction of the greatness of the books. I remember my excitement when I discovered it was going to be three films released once a year. I remember my distrust when I heard they cast Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins. I watched and waited with such intense anticipation for so long, I don't think I can adequately express it. Those last few minutes before seeing The Fellowship of the Ring were brutal. My fears seemed to be confirmed when someone sitting next to us said, "They cut of Tom Bombadil." All hope is lost.

Then the movie started. When I watched the first 10 minutes, a lovely monologue by Cate Blanchett as Galadriel, covering briefly the history of the ring, I was consumed. Never again would I simply be a fan of Tolkien. I was now a Tolkien/Jackson fan.

The two years that followed were no less stressful than the years before. Could the next two be as good as the first? What academy awards were waiting for these excellent films. What of the storyline would be added in the additional footage of the DVDs? The thrill of the wait had been extended and I was completely engrossed in the whole process.

It ended so abruptly. I watched "The Return of the King" extended edition, and that was it. There was no more waiting. There was a sudden dissappointment that there was no other film that could possibly fill that need for a sense of anticipation.

I had almost forgotten this process until I watched "The Mummy" this weekend on TBS. It's not an exceptionally great movie, but at 9:00 on Saturday morning, there are worse things to watch. Then, to my horror, an outline of Galndalf appears on the screen, dancing around to a weird musical theme of "The white, white wizard." It was a commercial for The Fellowship of the Rings, which would be playing at 6:00, I believe, Saturday night. That's it. For all the beauty of these films, that was all that was left. Now, they will be corrupted by the advertising whims of cable networks.

I have other issues of cable television to address, but not today. Today is reserved for the memory of greatness that was those three movies, and the anticipation they gave, which was justly deserved.

OIL and a Sinus Infection.

Forgive my absense. I've been sick and I've been at Oklahoma Intercollegiate Legislature. Quick rundown:

Senator [MsBlackandWhite] Cannot Read

Well, one of the bills that came up in session at OIL was the bill prohibiting home schooling in Oklahoma. The poor girl who wrote it had no idea of the trouble she was getting herself into. I was serving as the President's clerk at the time, but the moment I knew that bill was going to be up on the floor, I got down as quickly as possible. I and another girl who was home schooled offered our perspectives of the bill. Needless to say, by the end of questions and debate, there was only one person (the author) who voted "yes." Even the people arguing in proponency of the bill turned their arguments into a joke, holding me as example, "Look at Senator [MsBlackandWhite]! Clearly she cannot read or function in society, so vote yes to prohibit homeschooling!"

My conservative side

Another bill up for consideration was to force large corporations to pay a month of maternity leave for every mother. I did not argue strongly, because again I was working as the President's clerk, but I voted "No" on the bill. I saw eyes of hate meet me when I made my vote coming from the women in the Senate, but I was unmoved. Somehow Americans feel that by the pure quantity of business that corporations produce that they do not pay a proportional level of costs. So, we pass laws to pile on all these benefits for the employees of these corporations, and then we wonder why companies like GM are stuggling with the possibility of bankruptcy. Could it be they are spending more money on health care of their workers than they spend on steel? Hm.

My liberal side

Miss Black and White arguing for abortion? Surely not! I could hardly believe the words coming out of my mouth, too! Yet, I did. The bill was to require that women receive permission from the fathers before having an abortion. If the fathers refused to allow them, the women would carry the child, deliver it, and immediately turn the child over after birth. I have no problem with this in theory, but there is one problem: Rape. A very simple event can make the whole thing impossible to deal with. A woman is raped. She doesn't know the attacker and doesn't report it for one reason or another. Trauma can affect people's rationalities negatively, and I don't think a woman should suffer for something that is not her fault. A month or so later, the woman discovers she's pregnant. She goes to an abortion clinic, but they demand proof that the father has been notified. Since she has never filed a report, how can she prove that she was raped? Will the clinic go off her word alone? In that case, any woman who does not wish to tell the father can claim they were raped and didn't file a report. If not, then every women who fails to file a report must carry through with the pregnancy. I do not think it is fair of the State to demand a woman carry a rape child to term. I would do so if it were me, but I don't demand it of everyone else.

That was OIL in a nutshell. ::shrugs:: I was also give the title of one of the three most fabulous babes, which amuses me greatly. However, I a much more impressed with my intellectual achievements: I had two bills (one on Genocide in Darfur and another on Torture) given the recommendation of Do Pass, essentially give immediate passage. Unfortunately, though, neither of those bills made it to the floor. Oh well.

What is the reasonable temperature?

It is 75 outside right now with a slight breeze. My thermostat in my apartment reads 75 degrees.

My roommate got up and turned on the air conditioner.

I'm puzzled.

I turned it off.

Open the windows, turn on the fans, throw off the thick winter blankets, absolutely, but turn on the air conditioner to lower the temperature by 3 degrees?

She turned it on again.

I turned it off again and told her that when she pays for half the electricity, we can negotiate the temperature settings. She pays a fixed rate on the rent, and any cost over that my brother pays part of and I pay part of. We offered her a place to live after she pissed off her last roommate, which allowed my brother to jump out of the lease before May 31st, when our lease is up.

So, until she pays more, I decide the temperature, and unless the thermostat reads 80, take a cool shower, because I'm not turning on the air conditioner.

At what temperature do you turn on the air conditioner?

Do you support safety, education, and a good economy?

I am on the list of the Republican National Party because of my relationship with the OU College Republicans. I receive mailings pretty frequently asking for donations and encouraging me to be a good Republican. I will clarify my political affiliation:

I have Republican printed on my voter's registration card. In the state of Oklahoma, our primaries are closed. So, if you want to vote in the primaries, you have to vote for a particular party. Rarely in Oklahoma does anyone run outside of the two major parties. So, am I a Republican or a Democrat? Well, I think the lottery is stupid. I support more fiscal responsibility and less government involvement in individual's lives, and I believe that the Republicans are more that way than the Democrats. In Oklahoma, Republicans have been very smart in working to protect the rights of Home Schoolers, while Democrats are still trying to understand why anyone wouldn't want to give more money to Public Schools. I've volunteered for the Republican Party in many elections, even if the candidate does not perfectly match my views because I like volunteering. As long as I keep my views about homosexuality, the war on terrorism, Republicans' actual record of fiscal responsibility, and the No Child Left Behind act to myself, I'm good to go. I think Democrats are just as flawed in their positions on the above issues (save, maybe, for gay marriage), but then I disagree with them on Abortion, on Iraq, on taxes, and many other things. Without a doubt, this is a "lesser of two evils" situation, but I'm not even sure I'd call it evils. I believe that both sides are guinuinely interested in protecting the American way of life, but have different ways of policy-making on how to do so.

Anyway, I received a "Republican Party Census" with 18 questions about major political issues. Of course, on must fill out the form and return it with your donation or with $11 "to cover the cost of tabulating" the survey. Well, I start to read some of the questions, and I begin laughing. Are people really paying $11 to let the Republican party know their opinions on these "issues"?

Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all Americans? Yes or No or Undecided. You've got to be kidding me. No, I only like initiatives that promote the saftety and security of some Americans. Or, heck, let's eliminate safety and security altogether. How about a real question like "Do you support the PATRIOT Act?" or "Do you support the right of the U.S. Government to indefinitely detain and/or to torture prisoners who are believed to be terrorists or associated with terrorists?"

Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations and all government buildings including monuments and museums? Yes or No or Undecided. Damn it, do they not understand that some people just like that terrorists have easy access to killing large numbers of people all at once? I mean, seriously, who is really going to say "No" to this question unless that have some concept of what kind of increased security we're talking about here. Even then, you'd have to come up with a really stupid suggestion to make this sound like a bad idea.

Do you support President Bush's pro-growth policies to create more jobs and improve the economy? Yes or No or Undecided. lol! No! If we don't have poor people and unemployment, what the hell else can we argue about? Improving the economy... who would think of such an absurd idea?

Do you think Congress should focus on cutting the federal budget deficit by reducing wasteful government spending? What?!? The government has wasteful spending!?! My God, this changes everything!

Do you support President Bush's plan to make our schools more accountable to parents and restore local control of education? No, as we've seen with the CIA and Guantanamo Bay , accountability is a bad idea. I mean, the truth might come out and that's just not good for anyone. And, wait a second, the President of the federal government is going to give education back to local control? What, by federalizing a system of accountability? This is so much more confusing than I anticipated.

Should students, teachers, principals and administrators be held to higher standards? Higher standards? And then our children might actually be expected to learn something! Heavan forbid! They might go out and get jobs and improve the economy!

Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority? Oh my God, I can almost not joke about this anymore... Is there a single person in the world that disagrees with the above statement?

Do you support President Bush's initiatives to allow private religious and charitable groups to do more to help those in need? No... Charitable groups should be kept from being charitable, or at least under some circumstances.

Do you support the President's effort to save Social Security for future generations? I thought we covered the economic security thing? I mean, if old people aren't dieing because they can't afford to buy food, then really, what else can fill in the gap on slow news days? And wasteful spending, too! There's nothing like knowing that all those taxes we paid for so many years could just waste away to nothing.

Do you think U.S. troops should have to serve under United Nations' commanders? I'm not entirely sure I understand this question: Do you mean that in times where the UN and the U.S. are working militarily in the same area that under no circumstances should an American soldier serve under a UN commander? That the US will make it a policy to never have cooperation with this international organization militarily because we make it policy to never have our troops under UN commanders? Or that every U.S. troop should be obligated to follow the orders primarily of the UN commanders? That UN military policy dictates U.S. military policy? There is no "Yes" or "No" answer to this question, but I am definitely not "undecided" about my opinion on this issue.

Should the U.S. continue work on building a defense shield against nuclear missile attack? No! I like waking up every day and thinking, "Ah, today could be the day the world comes to an end." I mean, it takes away the suspense. Seriously, though, apparently this is a trickier issue than we thought. I had someone tell me we were under a treaty that disallows any nation to build a nuclear defense shield. The idea is that no single nation should have a defense against nuclear weapons over other nations. I just don't get it... The idea is that nuclear weapons are bad, right? If we build a nuclear defense shield, then we are removing the affectivity of nuclear weapons, right? So, wouldn't be a better deal to say, "If you make one, you have to share it." Then, rather than simply disarming with an uncertainty whether or not there is another nuclear missile floating around somewhere, we would have a defense system that could protect any population on earth from the possibility of a nuclear missile attack.

But, like I said, it removes the suspense. ::rolls eyes::

Final question:

Do you support the election of Republican candidates across the country and rebuilding our majorities over the next ten years? After questions like these? Oh, geez, it's a good thing I'm moving to France.

Beth

Recently I've been having a bout of reminiscence. You see it's been playing out in all sorts of peculiar ways such as my last post. Last week I drove to my parents' house by going down Morgan Road to Wilsure to Piedmont Road to Cornwell. There is never anyone on Morgan and on Wilsure at 12:30 a.m. So many times I'd return down that road from OKC to Yukon and collect my thoughts. Such places become holy to an individual because they represent so many ideas that you developed in your life. Driving is a place to think and, therefore, where you drive is where you think.

"Well, one time Beth and I," my mother would always begin and then start giggling. She'd laugh for another five minutes before she could finally get the story out. Beth was my mother's childhood friend. Neither of them were highly responsible in their youth and so the stories they created are legendary. The most famous is the hitchhiking story. I think my mom said they were fifteen when they decided to go from Denver, Colorado to Amarillo, Texas. So, like any reckless pair of youth, they decided to hitchhike there. From seeing the severed thumb of a truck driver to spending a period of time in jail, the story carries a mythic quality to it. Nobody really does that, do they?

Apparently they do.

It's been over a decade since I last saw Beth. She never really seemed like a real person to me because her presence in my life was only brought through my mother's stories. She was in Norman tonight and my family met up with her. It was bizarre sitting there and realizing that she looked like an average human being. I could have seen her at Wal-mart and I would have never known the difference. But in my mind Beth represented courage, recklessness, adventure, mischievousness, laughter mixed in with a little stupidity. She wasn't a person, she was a lifestyle that for so long I had never engaged in.

Before we left to meet up with them tonight, my mom said, "Watch her. This is what Cassidy will be like when she's 40." Cassidy, of course, is my hippie, free-spirited roommate who stands in stark contradiction to my more conservative and intellectual way of living. She has also been the sort of influence to encourage me to be a little more free-spirited. I watched Beth, and my mother was absolutely right. I watched my mom and Beth laugh about things they had done. I realized that that was what I wanted. I want to remember things about my life that make me laugh. I realized that I have been creating that with my friend Cassidy and other people I've begun knowing throughout college in much the same way my mother has done with Beth. The Beth ideal, which had for so long been incubating and festering in my realm of desire, has finally broke loose in my life. It's broken loose in a slightly more intelligent and responsible way, but nevertheless, it is very much here and in action on a day to day basis.

So, thank you, Beth, for the spirit that you bequeathed to my existence. It will always be remembered with smile.

Today is a Good Day.

I am going to post a warning here. Many of you have already found that there are things on this site that express parts of me that you do not enjoy. I understand that, but at the same time this is a place for me to express myself in a way I do not feel I can in person. These postings liberate my mind. Somehow sharing my thoughts, even the ones I sometimes am nervous to share, gives me a sense of peace. In the following paragraphs I am going to outline some of my sexual experiences and substance experiences. If you are going to be offended, don't read on.

I know you are going to anyway, so when you do, don't be upset that it is what I told you it was going to be.

In the Fall of 2004, I attend OU for the first time. I took Botany that semester, and the seating was set so that everyone would have the same lab partners every class. I was assigned to a wonderful person, a very attractive young man from Maryland. He was shy, but so was I, and I was almost instantaneously attracted to him. I had been determined for a long time that I was not going to date as a means of finding my husband. However, I moved away from that position when I was in Missouri. There was a young man at College of the Ozarks who I was also attracted to, but he made his move the day before I was returning the Oklahoma. So, I had never been on a date, and I was extremely inexperience on how to get a boy to ask me out. Here I am in Botany every day wishing that he would talk to me, wondering why it was that I was unsuccessful in my endeavor. I finished my class, gave my lab partner my phone number and said, "We should hang out sometime next semester." He replied that that sounded great and he'd give me a call. I never heard from him.

I began hanging out with my brother and some of his friends that next semester. They were everything that I promised myself I would never get involved with during high school. These people were sexually active, physically involved with each other, drinkers, smokers, etc. But something had changed in my life and I began to believe that experience was not a sin if I did not do it for the wrong reasons. I did not think that all of my brother's friends were making their choices for such careful though processes as I was, but there were a way of finding the experiences that I wanted to have. I went to a few of there parties and it was from my select social experiences in early 2005 that lead me to have my first party at my apartment.

It was the night of March 5th that we held my party. My friends brought great music, lots of alcohol, and a determination to remove the stick I had up my ass for a little too long. I drank a lot that night. It was the first time I was ever drunk. My friend brought a Hookah to my apartment, which I had smoked once before. It was the first thing I had ever smoked. I had my first cigarette and cigar that night. I flirted and flirted some more and by the end of the evening, one guy asked me out. I was getting somewhere. I was so happy in my success of widening my realm of social experience.

It was the following Monday that I was waiting in line for pizza that I met my first boyfriend. There is something about success with one guy that leads to sexual confidence that exudes and creates sexual success with a lot of people. I flirted and set up what would become my first date.

It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. We talked about books, movies, personal histories, and so one. We kept dating from walking dogs to playing racquetball, and I did everything in my power to hide my inexperience. I am not sure to what point this young man knew how inexperienced I was, but if he knew, he did not speak of it much.

Then it happened, the next major step, the first kiss. I have to say it was not lightening or fireworks. He was a little drunk and we had been talking on his bed when he said, "I want to do this before my buzz wears off." Then he kissed me. It turned into a rather long make out session, in which the entire time I was completely terrified. I had no idea what was going on, and I don't remember it that pleasantly. But, I remember thinking, "Hm, I could see how this could be fun if I developed some skill at it." So I did. I made out with him again a few days later. Shirts came off the next time and then I asked him if he would consider becoming exclusive with me. He agreed and I enjoyed practicing with him as frequently as possible, and I a found as time went on that I enjoyed myself thoroughly.

What I did not realize was the degree to which I attached myself to him. After a month of being with my first boyfriend, he broke up with me. I was stunned. I did not understand why it was that he had been interested in me and then he was suddenly not interested in me. I was devastated. I tortured myself thinking about it for the next couple of weeks. I got blackout drunk for the first time the weekend after we broke up. I was so sick that I sat in my French class the following day while the room spun around me incessantly. I returned home and crashed on the floor without moving for hours. The girl who is now my roommate was there at the time and she found it funny. That weekend was without a doubt the darkest in my life. Not only was I frustrated by my circumstances, but I allowed my circumstances to manipulate my ability to make good decisions. I have never done that since.

After the breakup, my first though was, "Well, dating sucks ass, I'm never doing that again," but that was short lived. Something had changed that could not be undone. I had not had sex, but I had certainly gone quite far sexually. It leaves an imprint on you, and, well, damn it, one will certainly want more after a time. I kissed a few guys here and there, and then it happened. I made out with a friend of mine one night while we were both pretty drunk. He thought we were going to go much farther than I thought we were going to go. However, I remembered the "next morning feeling" from my blackout night, and I was not going to make the same mistake twice. I stopped myself, and therefore him as well, and called it a night. I am pretty certain that he was unhappy about this, but it was not his right to have me if I did not want to give it.

My memory of this time frame is somewhat muddled. First off, let me state that I began partying since the party I first held. I would meet up with friends, drink a little and hang out. Now that I worked with people my own age, I would hang out and get drunk pretty frequently. I smoked cigarettes and cigars often then and had no qualms any longer about kissing people for the hell of it. I know I made out more innocently with several other guys after then. I also kissed a couple of girls, not to discover any sexual capacity within me, but because girls’ lips are not that different from guys, and hey, it's fun!

At some point, I began to believe that dating was a good idea again and started going out with some different men. I went out with several very amiable guys, but it was my co-worker that would sweep me off my feet. It all began with the question, "Do you like swinging?"

I wrote first dating Andey in the post "a couple of nights". Dating Andey was wonderful. I do not think he'll ever know that our relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to me for romance. It started off slowly, because I did not think it would go anywhere. He was a liberal, a Mormon, bicycle riding, hippyish sort of a guy without a lot of clear ambition in his life. He was focused on his mission for his church, but not really about a future career or intellectual achievements like I was. This is the last person in the world that I would ever consider having a long term relationship with. But he could date. And he was amazing at it.

He asked me out by walking up to me at one point and saying, "Do you like swinging?" I had no idea what that question entailed. It could mean a lot of things, but he meant it quite simply as going to a park and swinging. I agreed, and then I stood him up. I don't think I ever told him that I stood him up so I could smoke with my friends. Regardless, he was persistent and I entertained his persistence until we went out the first time.

He picked me up from my apartment with a new plan: He was going to take me to downtown Norman and we'd walk from building to building climbing the ladders to the roofs. I took my camera with me and we talked while I took pictures. Then we saw there was a Harvest moon and so we parked in the parking lot of the Norman Transcript and talked late into the night. It was so much fun! The next time we went out, he took me to Lake Thunderbird where we set off waterproof fireworks in the lake. Every time I was with him, we’d do something unique and exciting, and there was nothing physical about it. Finally, I realized our relationship was going to become something different when one night he told me how much he thought I was amazing and that he knew I was seeing other people, but that he just appreciated the time that he had with me. Andey had a way with words that made me feel as if I were the only thing he cared about in the world. Here’s some concept of what he would say to me. He posted this on his blog about me before we became official, before we had even been dating for some time:

“Hilarious, Sensitive, Adventurous. She knows I have a blog now, but she doesn't know where, So I'm going to post with continuing impunity. This woman is amazing. She's smart, confident, smart, fun, adventurous, smart, joyful, and gorgeous. I deserve someone like this, I really do. She probably deserves someone way better. I mean I'm a very strange mess.

I'm definetly taken back by her, you can tell you're taken back by a woman when the idea of her smiling or speaking seems like a glorious tribute to beauty and all poetry. The funny thing is, I don't feel exclusive. I'm spending time with someone I like a whole lot, but I don't see us going anywhere, and for the first time ever I prefer it that way. It's just a lot of fun without fear....”

I loved that feeling. And I agreed on the point on non-exclusivity and the notion that it wasn’t going anywhere, but it was great! It was poetry and adventure and romance and great kissing and everything else you want with a romantic partner.

I enjoyed it while I could, but eventually those differences that made a long term relationship impossible became illuminated each day we were together. Among many other things, his commitment to his religion, which is nothing to be ashamed of, limited our physical relationship. I became frustrated by this and longed to be with someone different. At first I thought I could just ignore it. But he would never go out with me when I continued my Norman social activities. Being drunk and unable to be with the guy you are dating is a dangerous thing. When I briefly made out with someone else while I was still with Andey, I knew it had to end. He deserved someone who treasured his lifestyle and the choices he made. I could not give that to him.

We broke up, rather gently, and that was the end of it. I have hardly spoke to him since, but his memory has shaped my romantic experience since then. How could it not? Any time someone says, “Hey, so do you want to, like, hang out some time or something?” my initial thought is, “It’s not ‘Do you like swinging?’” Since Andey, I have sort of seen this one person on and off. My relationship with this person, however, has been extremely limited by the fact that his style of dating does not have the same romance, passion, and excitement that I became so adjusted to.

Regardless of my success in finding a boyfriend, I have adopted this new strategy of finding an occasional make out partner. This is something that is still in the experimental stages, but it’s not doing too badly for me. The first person I made out with after Andey, absolutely no one in the world except for him knows about it. (Well, this guy may have told his current girlfriend.) I had to hang out with my friends the next day, and they did not even notice that I wore a scarf around my neck the whole day. I had a hickey and I did not want anyone to know lest they guess who it was. It was the farthest I had ever been with anyone before. We did not have sex, although it was certainly an option, and we did about everything else except for sex. It was strange, though, and I wouldn’t want to be in that same situation again. But it is done and I certainly gained a great deal of experience from it.

Since then, it seemed my romantic life had come to a stand still. I just sort of accepted that I was not going to date before I went to Italy and France. I am now working both Friday and Saturday nights and that has significantly affected my ability to hook up with anyone.

And then the strangest thing happened. I went to an event at OU about American culture and religion when one of my classmates came around to sit with me. As he approached me, I saw his friend; it was my Botany lab partner. Almost immediately, I thought, “You know, I wonder what would happen now that I have gotten some grip on this whole dating thing?” As it happens, he apparently regretted having never called me and wanted to date me now. How convenient. As soon as I agreed, though, he said something I did not expect, “I am not very experienced with dating.”

It’s almost comical, I think, the way this has worked out. I started dating because I believed (and still do believe) that I was not enjoying all the pleasurable experiences available to a person making rational and correct decisions in there life. I no longer believe that physical relations outside of marriage are sinful and they are fun to have, so I have them. My lab partner was one of the relationships I thought I had missed out on because of my inexperience at reeling men in, but as it turns out he was just as inexperienced as me. I had been attracted to him at the time when I was inexperienced, but now that I am experienced and he is not, I am no longer attracted to him. We dated a few times the last couple of weeks, and it was fun on some level. But I had to explain everything to him! He did not know what questions to ask to get to know me that would not imply that he was thinking about marriage. He did not know when was the right time to kiss me. He did not know that a couple of dates and some very basic physical contact such as holding hands and laying side by side does not mean that you are boyfriend and girlfriend. He dropped me off at my apartment while I was drunk and clearly eager to make out with anyone in sight without even walking me to my door. I wonder if he’ll ever know that after he dropped me off, I spent the next few hours flirting with one of my other friends in person, and two other friends over the phone!

A couple of nights back I ended up messing around with another one of my friends and it was a blast. At the end, I asked him, “Any complaints or suggestions?” I know this sounds like a horrible thing, but I usually ask because these are my friends and they always have constructive criticisms that make me better at what I do such as, “Don’t open your mouth so wide” or “Be louder” and so on and so forth. This time, though, my friend replied, “Hell no.” I was so proud.

On the note of thoughts after my activity with this person, things are very much in the air. It was so enjoyable that I want to do it again. At the same time, going back might suggest the beginning of a relationship and I am not certain that I want to begin a relationship with him.

I received an e-mail from my Botany lab partner. I broke the news to him a few days ago that things are not going to work out between us. I told him it was because we have a lack of common interests, which is true. I do not think that we share enough in common outside of just thinking that dating each other would be fun to justify me taking the time to teach him the ropes about relationships. He thinks he’s done something to offend me. He wants to know why things ended so quickly, and I don’t know what to tell him. Truth is that when I look at him I see the same person I was last year. I was eager to break with my rather sober activities, but I was a little late getting started as compared to my peers. It is definitely difficult breaking into the game, but if one is a quick learner, you can pull it off. I think I am going to tell him that it’s not going to work because he’s too inexperienced, but that he should keep at it. Learn from what I’ve told him so far and keep at it; it’s worth it! At the same time, I don’t want to make him feel that he is ill qualified to recommend himself to girls because he failed with me. I’m still trying to figure out what I am going to do and it is not easy.

So, why am I writing this? Because it’s March of 2006 and I can’t help thinking about March 2005 and everything that has happened since then. I have started dating, started smoking, start partying, started making out, started drinking, and so on. Somehow I am trying to process who I’ve become. This is a tribute to my victories and a study of my failures. It is a recognition of the things that I have learned and of the fact that there are still so many things to learn. Every once and a while, people need to take a step back from their lives and realize what is going on. If it’s not what they want it to be, then they should change their actions. If it is what they want it to be, then they should definitely pause before changing their actions.

So, I’ve taken my step back and let’s just say I think my actions are working quite well for me.

Hm, but that’s just with romance and sociability.

Now I need to think about politics, religion, school, and much more.

Those are other days.

Shades of Purple, Blue, and Green.

I went to the doctor today. I hate going to the doctor, but there are a few occassions that I find this task useful. Well, I went hiking in the Wichita Mountains this last Monday. I was over-ambitious with my rock hopping, and I hurt my ankle. My first thought was, "Blast, I'm not going to be able to hike anymore today with a twisted ankle." Well, that didn't happen. I wanted to watch the sunset from Mount Scott from a lovely position, so I hiked down a little ways. It hurt, but it was worth it as you can see.



However, this was Sunday. Today is Thursday. When I examined my ankle this morning, you should have seen it. Yesterday it was so swollen that I couldn't fit into my shoes. (Hence I called a doctor.) This morning, much of the swelling had gone down to be replace by horrible bruising all over my foot. You can see in the picture below the line of bruising where the tear is most apparent. What is difficult to see is that there is bruising up above the ankle, running down my ankle and then on top of my foot. Naturally, of course, it's still swollen to about twice the size of my other ankle. But, nothing is broken! I have yet to have a broken bone, and I do not intend to have one at any point in my life. Just a very serious sprain. The doctor issued me a rather medival looking ankle brace that I must wear for the next two weeks and then I must wear it any time I do any other intense physical activity for the next year!



In the past week, I have been accepted both to the study abroad program in Italy for the summer and then France for the next year. So, there you will see me, trapsing about Italy and France with my ankle wrapped up in some hideous black contraption. I should make up a story about why I have to wear it so I might make something useful out of my misfortune. Perhaps I'll say these ankle things are all the rage in the U.S. ::sighs::

Well, nothing says Spring Break like the lack of rapid mobility.

"Where Do Black People Go?"

I now work at a bar, which is a really interesting thing. It has brought me experience that I could not have obtained any other way. Last night, a couple approached me and asked me if I knew Norman well. I replied that I did and then the woman asked me, "Where do black people go?" You know, there are some things you don't hear very often, so you don't know how to respond to it at first; this is one of those questions. Instantly, I became very aware that they were black and I was not. I stood there silent for a moment, and as I processed the question, I grew a little disgusted by it. I stumbled over my words trying to communicate that we don't have segregated bars in Oklahoma. The woman responded, "Oh, so everyone sort of goes to the same places?" I nodded my head and she asked me, "Okay, so where do cool people go?" I made a recommendation and wished them a good night. However, this morning I was thinking about it and it really bothered me.

The thing was they just wanted to go to a cool bar. The bar where I work is definitely a mellow, older environment. That's fine. When I go out, I don't go to Othello's either. Yet somehow, this woman decided to make race the primary source of her inquiry. Why? If she wanted to hang out at a cool bar, why not just ask where the cool bars are? I work hard every day to give her and her boyfriend respect. I chastise my friends because they will occassionally make a racially inappropriate comment. I get into arguments all the time explaining that just because one says that they are not racist does not mean that they do not act racist. What we have in America is a nation full of people who say they are not racist and yet they let racism breed in their hearts with little snide comments and trivial actions. And here I am staring this woman in the face who is doing exactly this thing that I have worked so hard to stop specifically for the benefit of the people of her race! Does she want me to cease my efforts? Does she want me to ignore the walls that society has built up between races? Does she to insist that there is a difference and I should always remember that?

Well, I do not care what she thinks. I know what is right and I will keep doing it.

A Curse on Reepicheep and his Kind.

So, I was originally sad that I had to kill a mouse a couple of weeks back, but then I killed a second one. Then there were more. And now I'm just pissed. Why my apartment? The only one(s) left are terribly clever and they keep eating the peanut butter off the trap before it snaps. Bastards. So now all I'm doing is fattening it (them) up. The apartment office offered me mouse poison, but I'm afraid of it finding a nice little hiding spot before it dies. Suddenly my roommate and I will think, "Hm, what's that smell?" Rotting mouse, that's what it'll be. No other choice but more peanut butter.

Any other suggestions?

The Shortest Pilot in the World

This semester I decided to volunteer for a program here called "Conversation Café." It's a program that helps English as a Second Language students learn English by spending time with normal English speaking students. Today was my first day, and I can't believe I didn't hook up with this program earlier. I was assigned three women to speak with, but none of them came. Instead, these two men by the name of Habib, one from Saudi Arabia and the other from United Arab Emirates, spoke with me for a while.

The man from Saudi Arabia told his friend that he should tell me a story. After some persuasion, Habib from UAE began telling his story. He said that when he was younger his father wanted him to become a doctor. However, Habib wanted to become a pilot. Everyone he knew said that he couldn't become a pilot because he was so short. Eventually his father gave him a large some of money and said, "Well, take this and study whatever you want." So, he went to study to be a pilot.

When he went to apply for his pilot's license, the man in charge said that he was not sure that he could let him have the license because he was so short. After some convincing, the man finally said, "Fine, I'll let you pursue this if you answer this one question. I'll give you one hour to answer: You are flying a plane and you see another plan flying towards you. There is no radio contact, what do you do?" So, Habib went home, prayed to God to give him the answer, and after 25 minutes he returned. He gave his answer and he was right.

Since then, he has traveled all over the world watching airshows. He's moved here with his wife to practice his English. However, I wondered silently how difficult it was for him, of Arab descent, to move to Norman as a pilot. He told me that he had to argue with the American government that he was not a terrorist. He said, "I told them that I do not have enough to be a terrorist. It's very expensive to be a terrorist." I listened to him give his reasons for why he wasn't a terrorist, and held back my laughter.

Anyway, while he was visiting a airshow in France, he was stopped by security. He tried to explain that he was a pilot, but they didn't believe him because he was so short. He pulled out his license and answered all the appropriate questions. However, despite proving that he had done nothing wrong, the security officer insisted that he take all of his information. Habib provided him with all the questions the security officer asked, and then went on his way.

A few weeks later, he was contacted by someone stating, "We're with the Guinness Book of World Records, and we would like to add you to our list as the shortest pilot in the world." His response was, initially, "What's the Guinnes Book of World Records?"

That is what I did today was listen to a man tell me about his life. For a few moments there, I felt as if I had left the U.S. My feeling of confidence about my ability to coerce was dashed to pieces because these men clearly had very different cultural mannerisms and rules of politesse. However, both of them were extremely appreciative that I was so patient and kind. Thay both took pictures with me (when I get them, I'll post them on here) and the gentlemen from Saudi Arabia bought me a bag of M&Ms.

It was a fine day.

Darfur.

I know that my posts keep getting darker and darker, but it is the way of being an International and Area Studies student. I went to a lecture today by Senator Tom Coburn and the head of the Religious Studies program at OU. I was stunned. Right now in Darfur, Sudan, genocide is happening. The UN is not acting quickly enough and the African Union is not strong enough to make anything happen. The U.S. on the other hand does have the power to assist this region and Sec. Rice has requested that the legislature give her the funding to do so. If this situation is severe enough that the fiscally conservative Tom Coburn says that we should help, then you know that this situation is something we need to help with. This is an issue that has bipartisan support, but citizens have not been vocal enough with their leaders to let make this issue a priority.

Right now the best thing you could do is call your Senator and/or representative and ask them right now to support acting to stop genocide in Darfur. If you are uncertain what to say, here's a script:

“Hi, this is ___ calling from ___. I’m calling to urge Representative/Senator ___ to do everything he/she can to make sure that the $123 million that the Administra-tion recently requested for African Union peacekeeping troops in Darfur is appropriated as soon as possible. Funding the African Union is critical to stopping what both the President and Congress have called genocide. Please tell the Congress(man/woman) /Senator that his/her constituents care about Darfur and expect Congress to fund the AU peacekeepers. Thank you.”

Also, please google "Darfur" and find a website that will send a postcard for you to the President that asks him to act to stop the genocide. Then, let your friends know about this. Talk about it at church. Talk about it at work. Tell your relatives. This really is something that we can help with. People always say if they knew, they would have helped. Well, now you know.

Now I Lucked Out Hard Core.

I received a letter from the Honor's College yesterday saying, "We want to congratulate you on maintaining a 4.0 last semester." I did not make a 4.0 last semester. It was my first semester not to make a 4.0. I read it out loud to my friends while I laughed. They thought that perhaps it was a jab. "Yeah, Jessica, way to screw up."

One of the reasons I did not make a 4.0 was Honors Micro Economics. That class completely mystified me. I was one of the most vocal persons in class. I knew all the answers to the questions that were asked in class. I explained production and cost theory to my mother at Chili's. I studied a lot. I still made a B.

Grrr...

So, I showed up for my first Macro Economics exam today a little confident. I've made every class and have studied extensively. And this is not Honors. One of my friends who took honors with me last semester was there and we were recapping. Remember there are 500 students in my class. This kid walks right up to me and says, "Hey, do you know what the Parity Price Ratio is?" It sounded familiar, but I had no idea. Then another kid walks up and says, "Yeah, it's the ratio of non-farming products to farming products. They multiple by 100 to get a number. They use it to determine if the government needs to subsidize farmers and by how much."

::smirks::

I get the test. I would have known every question. Except one. Sure enough, there it was, "What is the Parity Price Ratio?"

Hehe.

We Lucked Out Hard Core.

So, when the conflict in Bosnian happened, I was, what, like 6? So, yeah, I don't remember it so much. Now, I am paying for my ignorance because I am being forced to study to situation in Yugoslavia since essentially pre-Ottoman rule. It's horrible, and I'm not even to the 1990s yet! I'm curious, though, to what degree the media revealed to the public the events in that region during the second world war. To simplify the story, let me give you the low down:

The Croats have always been tight with Italy and so they ended up working with the Axis. The Serbs ended up working with the Allies. That, however, is really inconsequential. Neither group really cared that much about the war outside of that region. They were hell bent on killing each other. The Axis set into power a group called the Ustasas in Croatia. The Ustasas are like, "Hey, let's kill a third of the Serbs, export another third, and force the final third to convert to Catholicism." So, they'd just march into Serbian villages and kill all of them. The Serbs had their own little ethnic cleansing group, the Cetniks. The number of people die are in the hundreds of thousands if not millions. But what's important is not the number of people who died, but the way in which they were killed. The concentration camps in the Balkans make the German's look civilized. The slavs did not have the money to waste bullets or build gas chambers, so they had to be more creative with their forms of genocide. Both of these groups were sadistic in their brutality, rape, murder, and torture of children, men, women, and the elderly. One historian describes the massacres as "pornographic" to describe "the pathological nature of the hatred" (Perica 2002 23).

Seriously.

Every time I read about the conditions of World Wars in every other region of the world except for the Americas, I cannot help thinking how blessed we were to be the winners of the situation. The losers lost more than economic power and international political clout. These poor people, from the Germans to the Serbs to the Turks to the Iraqis and so on, have seen violence that we, as Americans, can only imagine.

1 glass of wine in me, an hour to kill, and well, damnit, this sounds like fun.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 8 o'frickin' clock in the morning
2. Diamonds or pearls? Pearls. This is my birthstone.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? At the cinema? Do people seriously use that phrase anymore? Munich.
4. What are your favorite TV shows? Lost and 24
5. What did you have for breakfast today? Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds.
6. What is your middle name? Lauren
7. Favorite food? Fajitas with chips and queso.
8. What foods do you dislike? Bell Peppers. They are horrible in every way.
9. Favorite drink? Hot Chocolate.
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? The Tain by The Decemberists
11. What kind of car do you drive? I don't drive a car! Look at me! I'm contributing to reduction of demand for gas and helping the environment. Why don't I join the Democratic Party now?
12. Favorite sandwich? Club anything.
13. What characteristics do you despise? Passivity.
14. Favorite item of clothing? High heals. It's a power thing.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? The French Riveria.
16. What color is your bathroom? Gray and white.
17. Favorite brand of clothing? Express.
18. Where would you retire to? New York or Pennsylvania.
19. Favorite time of the day? 7:00 p.m. It's the time I think, "Hm, I don't have to go to bed until after midnight and, hey, I am not at class! Let's have fun!"
20. What was your most memorable birthday? Eighteenth. My mom took me to the Philbrook museum and I took pictures. This is the day I got into photography.
21. Where were you born? Do I have to answer this question?
22. What's your favorite cartoon? Actually, I really dislike cartoons. Animaniacs? It's been years since I've watched it, but that was classic. That and The Tick.
23. Who do you least expect to send this back to you? For e-mails only.
24. Person you expect to send it back first? For e-mails only... But I think Jordan might fill it out.
25. What fabric detergent do you use? Gain.
27. Are you a morning person or a night person? Times of the day greet me different each day that I live. Sometimes the morning is my friend and sometimes the evening greets me better.
28. What is your shoe size? 8
29. Do you have any pets? Kenobi and Shadow are my aussie shephard puppies. Ahhhhh, they're so cute.
30. Any new or exciting news you want to share with friends and Family? I'm going to Italy for the summer!
31. What did you want to be when you were little? A nurse, and then I discovered I freaked out around blood.

Additions:

32. What word do you regularly misspell? Separate.
33. What was the favorite year of your life? 13.
34. What do you do when you're nervous? Talk really fast.
35. How many different hair colors have you tried? 3.

For warmth and a little peanut butter.

For this little fellow, his last days promised warmth. The winter here on the Oklahoma fields were warmer than normal. The past few days, though, were cold. In one night, the world around him became covered in ice and snow. He ran from place to place searching for a place to escape the weather. His fate was bound in a tiny hole that no one knows of except for him.

He crawled and he crawled until at last he found himself standing on vinyl flooring. It was warm, he realized, but more than that. Scattered across the strange ground beneath him is enough food to survive the winter with joy. In fact, why leave? He moves around with caution, and at length his doom stepped into his view. Beasts that he had only seen from the distance lumbered across the vinyl flooring. He hid beneath that big machine that rumbled, and waited. Finally, the great beast settled in the distance. Time for this little guy to expand his horizons. He prides himself for remaining unseen for so long, and he confidently runs to the big black thing on the carpeted ground. He did not know it them, but that was the beginning of him doom.

The great beast grumbled and rose to its feet. After some time, it exited out of a bigger hole, back into the cold. Oh well, the little fellow thinks, their loss. Why go into the cold when their is warmth and food to be found here. But the beast returns. The little guy waits and hears a few clickings. He waits and bides his time. When the great beasts rests, then he will find tonight's feast.

When the quiet settles in his new domain, our little friend follows the smell of something that is fantastically unique. Here in a little contraption of plastic and metal was a meal that he could only imagine. It took some working, but he was able to get his mouth to the stuff that smelled so good. This, he did not know, was the stuff we call peanut butter. So rapt in this moment of ecstasy, he did not see it coming. The plastic was bound to a spring, and the spring to the peanut butter, and when he got his mouth around it, the plastic came down upon his neck. He struggled and fought, but this device is twice his size. It was designed so his tiny body could not escape.

I am sorry, my friend, that the world is so small that there cannot be warmth for both of us. The moment you braved the carpet, I saw your scramblings and I knew I would be your end. You see, with your species comes disease and a will to breed that is only encourage by the warmth of my apartment. You could have raised so many with the filth that is the kitchen cleaning battles between me and my roommate. She doesn't like to sweep after her own messes, and I don't like to sweep after messes I don't make. I could have caught and released you back into your natural home, but you would only have found an unbearable cold that would have killed you anyway. At least this death found you in a moment of happiness.

Too Many Frustrations.

I have been without my computer for essentially one month. I do not think I can communicate how frustrating this is. For French, there are online activities you have to download. For my Religious Studies class, I have to post comments three times a week online. And for my International and Area Studies class, most of the information we need is available online. I can get on a computer on campus, but I either have to already be on campus, or I have to take the bus to campus. In most of the labs they charge me for making prints. I called Comp USA to see if my computer is back in. They said it had just been shipped. I was dumbfounded.
"You mean," I said, "that my computer sat at Comp USA for a week before you shipped it to Apple?"
"Well," replied the manager, "yeah, we had some troubles."
"Well," I began cooly, "did you consider when you had 'troubles' that you should give me a call to let me know?"
"Oh, yeah," he responded quickly, "we should have called you."
"Uh huh," I ask, "so, why didn't you call me?"
"Oh." Long pause. "I don't know. I look into that for you."

Rage.

Some of you know that I have been attempting to study in Turkey over the summer. I received an e-mail from the professor heading the program saying we were short students and if we didn't recruit, the trip might not happen. I e-mailed the professor asking if I should be concerned about this enough to consider another program. He never e-mailed me back. I took that as a "Yes." Fortunatey, I still had time to look at other summer programs. Looks like I'm going to Italy instead. I'll just have to grin and bear it.

Good ending.

My friend has attempted to set me up three times and failed each time. It's really a pity, because I liked all three of the guys he's suggested. However, nothing is more disappointing then hearing, "I met your future husband" and then nothing happens. Remind me to not listen to his suggestions in the future unless the guy is holding an engagement ring.

Too bad, too, because I'm sure that there will be no moderately attractive men in Italy for me to hook up with. ::raises eyebrow::

Hope in future.

My French history class is one night a week. I went the first week and discovered that the bookstore messed up; apparently there were many books I needed to buy for the class. Considering the bookstore error, I assumed he'd push the reading back a week. Then, we had no class the next week, so I assumed we only needed to do the reading for that first week. I get to class, and not only did he expect us to reading from the first two weeks, but the next two weeks as well. When no one in class had done this he said, "Well, you better hurry up because we have our first test next week." So, I dropped the class. However, I may have to pay for it.

Despite this, it means that this will be my first semester only taking 12 hours. I do not think I can express how much better I feel as a result. I'm working again as a waitress on campus corner, I have developed a very large group of friends, and this is my last semester before I'll be abroad. I could use the break.

A little peace.

When I get my computer back, I'll do some more postings.

But what of the soul?

I received an e-mail from an old friend of mine just this morning, and I was very happy to hear from him again. In addition, it gives me the opportunity to clarify a theological point of my acceptance of evolution. He has been reading my blog and he believes that a large gap to the meshing of Christianity and evolution is the issue of the soul. Where did it come from and was there a fall?

This is actually quite appropriate, following my last post, because it was my science teacher at CofO that first introduced me to this concept. I think there are several extremely important points to the story of creation in the Bible. First, of course, I do not believe it is a literal representation of the creation of the universe. If you read it carefully, very little of it makes any sense. There was light on the first day, but we don't get the source of light until the fourth day. The earth was formless and empty, but there were "waters"? This is what I believe the story of creation was meant to tell:

1) The existence of the universe came about from the will of God, and that the product was something He believed was good.
2) Humans are a form that are in the image of God. I do not believe this implies a physical image, but rather elements of our nature. I believe it is represented in our ability to think independently, a desire to create, an ability to perceive the world abstractly and so on and so forth.
3) At some point, we became aware of God, and we became aware of good and evil.
4) Despite what we knew was right, humans chose to wrong. As a result, we began feeling shame, because we knew that we had no right to be in the presence of a perfect God.

What do I believe happened? I believe that God set the universe into motion, and that He had a very specific plan of creating a being that could think freely. Why? Well, I believe that He wanted to be in a relationship. There is more fulfillment to being loved by someone who chooses to love you rather than being loved by someone who has no choice or no knowledge of a choice. As evolution continued its process, a creature came about that began having abstract thought, and an intense capacity for rationality and choice making. This was the design of God, and I believe that He gave to these creatures the ability to perceive the unnatural or spiritual world. In fact, I believe this may be what "the breath of live" that made each man become "a living being." Our bodies and minds were dead to the spiritual world, and at a point God made us apart of it. Whether that meant that they gained a soul or that he had to give them souls in order to perceive it is irrelevant. I do not believe there was one Adam or Eve, but that they represent the first of Gods contacts with humans. However, because we existed with free will, every one of us made choices that were against the will of God.

Am I absolutely sure? Not really. I'm not exactly sure what God wants from us, or how He created the world, or how the soul came about. I do my best to understand the world given the information that I have available to me. I believe, though, the way I do because I do not believe that the evidence on earth is faulty or that God created a world meant to deceive us into believing the world is older or created differently than the way it really is. Yet, this is not what matters. What matters is that I see in myself a fall. I have chosen evil, I have sinned, and I understand that I do not deserve to be in the presence of such perfection. I believe that I obtain redemption by accepting the sacrifice of Christ as truth and by following the guidelines He has laid out for me.

Make sense?

Probably not, but I'm open for debate.

The Great Divide at OU.

I am filling out my applications for study abroad in the Fall, and I came across the forms for letters of recommendation from my professors. It occurred to me, for the first time since I left College of the Ozarks, how much I miss knowing my professors. Maybe it's my fault, or maybe it's just the way of going to such a large public university, but I'm now in my fourth semester of OU, and I only know one or two of my professors really well. At CofO, I knew 4 of my professors really well, and the only reason I didn't know the 5 was because that class was split into three parts. Each section was too short to really know your professors.

I think this is something that needs to be improved in the academic world. This was part of the reason my mother home schooled me; she wanted the person who taught her kids to be personally involved in their lives. This not only meant her, but any other co-op teacher who taught Nick and me. Now, I go to class and leave, and I can't even remember what the names of my professors were. In addition, they certainly do not remember me. This lack of connection between the professors and the students is tragic. That rift will only weaken the intellectual strength of our youth, as well as discouraging professors from putting real effort into their classes.

I ran into the head the Expository Writing program at OU Wednesday, and he was meeting with a candidate for professorship in the program. He asked me why I loved the program so much, and I said, "You know, I still meet with Dr. Hawkins (my EXPO professor from my first semester at OU, Fall '04) and I think that says something. I hardly know any of my other professors. I think that speaks to the significance of the class to a student." If only all classes were as well run as that one.

King of the Obvious.

"I don't see how you can be a partner in peace if you advocate the destruction of a nation." - George W. Bush on the Hamas victory.

I'm not making a political statement by posting this or attempting to make fun of GW. I love the way the words very clearly convey a rather obvious dilemma.

Ghosts from the Past.

There have been precious few times in my life where I have said, "Goodbye" to someone and felt happy to believe it was unlikely I should meet them again. I knew someone once who took time out of his day to call me on the phone so that he could rub my face in my failures. I did not appreciate it then. When I finally quit the organization that we mutually attended, I felt this happiness I described above. I was certain I would not see him again. Somehow, it is like a fly to the zapper, this boy consistently finds his way back to me. It's infuriating. So many times I've met a person and longed to meet them again, but our relationship ends there.

When I desire it the most, coincidence seems set against me.

Fandom.

I attended my first OU football game this last semester. It was fascinating. I have grown up in the center of Oklahoma and have felt the pains of OU football obsession my entire life. I remember making my first trip to Norman on a Saturday during a game. My destination was not the game, but it did not matter; I was pulled into the madness without my consent. Norman is not a large town, and so when there is a game, the whole town is consumed by it. I was not wearing Crimson and Cream on this unfortunate first meeting, and I paid for it by the disgusted stares of the more knowledgeable fans. I can say that after this initial introduction to OU football, I wanted nothing to do with it.

Yet, I think that it is pointless to attend such a university and not attend at least one football game for the cultural value it provides. So, when I was given the opportunity to attend the OU vs. OSU game, I went. And, I loved it. There is a pattern to being a fan. You dress a certain way and throughout a game, you make certain chants and gestures. You know when to cheer and when to boo, and when you are cheering for such a good team with such a large group of people, it's uniquely fulfilling.

I was reminded of this feeling when I attended a Hornets game last night. This is even slightly more difficult, because the Hornets are not nearly as dominant a team as OU. (Or, at least, they did not play as dominantly against the Kings and OU played against OSU.) I had no attachment to this team, but yet by the end of the game, I am undeniably bound to their success or failure. If you go to a game and do not cheer, it is not half as fun. You cheer for you team as they enter the court, and you make the first connection. Then your enemy comes out, and suddenly the battle is yours. Every shot they make is an insult. And you are deeply elated every point that your team makes. You take confidence in the fact that you know when to cheer at the right time with the rest of the crowd to make the most noise.

The NBA is a clever beast. They have been forced to play some of the games at the Lloyd Noble Center in Norman, rather than the Ford Center in OKC. Norman, however, is not as passionate a fan base as OKC. So, someone dresses up a fake mascot for the other team and brings him out after the first quarter to say, "I had been told that OKC had the worst fans ever." Now it's personal. That bastard just said we can't cheer. He even had the audacity to mistake us as Oklahoma State University. Everyone starts getting louder, yelling at him to get off "our" court. Needless to say, we were loud the rest of the game and quite grateful when "our" mascot ran him out.

::raises an eyebrow:: The many faces of marketing.

But I like it. It makes my experience more enjoyable the more I am attached to the competition. Will I go back? Absolutely.

Go OU.

Ayn Galactica.

I have been hanging out with a good friend of mine throughout the break. He is intrigued with my connections to Objectivism, and he will occassionally delve into a conversation with me concerning it. However, they are short lived, because (In order to avoid the confusing terms "conservative" and "liberal") he is what you might call the "occassional looter." For those of you who are not familiar with the term "looter," I'll clarify with a loose definition: a person who seeks to take away the profit of people who actually work and give it to people who don't work and don't attempt to work. This is an unfortunate situation. I've found most looters have good intentions, but simply lack (or do not wish to posess) the rationality to examine the beneficiaries of their redistribution of wealth.

Anyway, this good friend of mine will then go talk to his brother about our conversations, which is also unfortunate, because I think his brother would probably kiss Marx, Lenin, and perhaps even Stalin on the cheek if he had the chance. So, our conversations never really go anywhere, because I do not have the opportunity to combat the arguments from the source. However, I have never selected friends based on their accordance to my personal philosophies. As long as they do not force me to compromise my moral positions, I feel no harm in enjoying their company. However, I am connected with his brother through this indirect debate.

Beyond this, my friend enjoys watching Sci-Fi shows. My interests in television is for one purpose only: it is light entertainment. I spend a great deal of time thinking, and so, on occassion, I will endulge in an amount of mindless activity. Stargate SG-1 has been a show that I could watch, and enjoy without thinking too much about it. My friend invited me over to watch it with him on the Sci-Fi channel with his roommate in their traditional Sci-Fi Friday get together. Needless to say, I was the only female. On Friday nights, there are three shows: Stargate SG-1 (which has been going downhill), Stargate Atlantis (which started downhill), and Battlestar Galactica. The latter show interests me a great deal, and I have a feeling I will rent a season when I get a chance.

The point here is that I have a new name because of this. Apparently my friend brother used to ask "How's the Objectivist?" but when my friend replied that I hung out with him to watch Battlestar Galactica, the brother was stunned. So now when he asks about me, he asks, "So, how's Ayn Galactica doing?"

Somehow, I delight in this name.

Is it abnormal, or are we bored?

I was amused to discover that Eastland County Texas had made national news. Fires, apparently, are rushing over this area of the country and the "government spokesmen" is hoping to evacuate the entire county. This is tragic, for all those who have houses there. I need to ask my mom if there are any insurance concerns, but if I remember correctly, fire is always covered. It's hurricanes that get complicated. If the storm destroys your house, no problem. If it was flooding, though, then you have to have separate insurance. So, as as unfortunate as it is, hopefully everyone who has home insurance in these counties scouraged by wildfires will find adequate reimbursement on their property if it is burned down.

However, this has been a rather strange year. We started it out donating huge sum of money to Tsunami relief effort. Then Katrina came and we donated more. Then Rita came and I am almost certain there were several other large hurricanes or storms outside of those two. Now we have wildfires and flooding in the west. Have natural disasters been springing up rapidly, or has there been a sudden interest in the news consumer market for stories about natural disasters? I suppose we could be wearying of politics, controversy, and war, and therefore what something else to be miserable about that can't be solved. You are supposed to keep up with politics, because you are responsible for who's in charge. When something goes wrong, it almost like it's the citizens fault for not paying close enough attention. Nature, however, is not elected. It is the ultimate us verses them. We humans have to stick together if we want to survive the cruelty of the universe, regardless of the internal conflicts of our species.

I don't remember another year where so much of this stuff happen and with such violent force. I remember Andrew, but did several other natural disasters happen that year at the same time? Or is there something about human memory that makes us want to believe that whatever misfortune that exists right now is the worst that has ever happened, regardless if it is or is not? If that's the case, I wonder what that says about our perception of the situation in Iraq.

Hm... Well, I'm going to go play some more Zelda.